Don't Do That!

On a recent train journey to Leeds, I was sitting minding my own business in a practically empty carriage. The automatic doors opened and my nutter alarm went off! A lady of certain years looked around the empty carriage then noticed little old me sitting all on his lonesome, so she then waddled over and plonked her excessive bulk next to me!

I did what most people do in this situation I looked out of the window: if you can’t see them they’re not there.

“It’s cold today isn’t it?” she screeched, like a banshee with piles.

I nodded in agreement.

“I’m off to the hospital!” The pitch of her voice was making my left eye vibrate.

She then launched into her sizable list of medical complaints, most of them to do with her ‘nunny’ the thought of this was making my teeth itch.

It wasn’t until I was safely on my way after leaving the train that I thought how odd some people are. Why would you tell your personal details to a complete stranger?

Then I thought: just what is acceptable and unacceptable when you first meet people? I would have to do a bit of research. I would start by asking some of my friends what they think is the right etiquette on a first meeting. If you have read some of my previous blogs you will know that this wasn’t going to be straightforward. My friends are the stuff of a market researcher’s nightmares!

I turned up at Mick’s house. He was sitting eating a pork pie and noodles in the same bowl. (This is the guy who ate the slug).

I looked at his lunch as he ate with gusto, “Is that not a tad dry?”

“What’s it to do with you, I’m eating it!”

“Wouldn’t it be nicer with some mushy peas?”

“Don’t have any, I had sweet corn or noodles in the cupboard, sweet corn tastes like shit! What you up to?”

“I’m on research duties”.

“Who are you winding up this time?”

“No one, honest. I want to know what you think is acceptable to do or say the first time you meet someone?”

“Why?”

“Research duties.”

“Dunno You’re an adult, do what you want!”

“So you think if this was the first time I met you, I could do and say whatever I wanted?”

“I suppose so… You’re not going to do something weird now, like piss on me carpet are you?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because all this is strange and I’ve just legged meself up, by saying ‘do what you want, it’s fine by me’”

Mick wasn’t the best choice for this kind of research.

I called the next day at Dave’s house and asked him the same question. He gave it some thought for a few moments then said, “You should never fart without thinking!”

“What?”

“You should never fart without thinking.”

“What when you first meet someone for the first time?”

“Any time! I did once; I had to get undressed in the shower, took me completely by surprise it did.”

I left without asking any more questions. So I‘m no wiser, but any comments on what you should or should not do on a first meeting with anyone would be appreciated. They are bound to make more sense than my friends’ answers!