Bang Goes the Theory!

When it comes to physics, there are quite a few laws and theories.

There are the obvious theories, such as Einstein’s Relativity or Newton’s Gravity. Now we have the Higgs Boson which always reminds me of the film, Back to the Future for some reason.

But there is a law of physics that applies to us all each and every day, a law which drives us all mad. This law is known by lots of names; some know it as ‘Murphy’s law’ but I know it as Sod’s Law’.

Sod’s law is the law that states when you drop your buttered toast, which is what happened to me this evening, it shall always land buttered side down!

Sod’s law does not only apply to buttered products, it is far more diverse than that! The law applies to every atom in the fabric of the universe.

When you are in a busy queue in the super market and you suddenly notice a till that has just one sweet little old lady waiting to be served, so you quickly gather all your things together and move, with the smug satisfaction that you shall soon be away with your bounty of products that you neither wanted or needed. But then for no other reason than pure spite, Sod’s Law decides to kick in. 

The old lady can’t decide what she wants to buy, and wants to change a few products. Then she has to count out all her payment in pennies which she has been saving for twelve years just for this moment. Meanwhile the queue you were in starts to go down faster than a Brazilian footballer in a penalty area!

Then the old lady decides that she can’t afford to pay for all her goods so she has to decide what to send back. By now your temper is starting to fray, as the people that are in the queue that you have just left start to snigger at you, because they all knew about the doddering old dear in front of you.

You are now so desperate to get through the checkout you offer to pay the difference in her shopping. She snaps back that she’s not a charity, and although it’s very kind of you, she couldn’t possibly take your money.

The people that were standing behind you in your previous queue are now walking down the aisle and home with all their products purchased, they are now grinning at you because they know that you have just entered into a conversation with the little old dear!

Now for no reason whatsoever, she feels the need to tell you about her Grandson who has just been circumcised, because his willy swelled like a sausage when he tried to have a pee!

You, on the other hand, are wondering what the law is against punching old women in the face!

Your heart stars to skip a beat, as she slowly gathers up her products to bag them; meanwhile, the people that were in your other queue are now at home, knocking up a bit of lunch.

Just when you think you are home and dry, rid of the old bat forever, she drops a jar of pickles on the floor. The mess scatters everywhere and she turns and smiles sweetly to you with a knowing look which says "Never leave the queue you are in!"

Another law of sod is the money trick. The money trick works like this. To prove I’m right, take a piece of small thin circular metal - any will do. Now take this piece of worthless metal and throw it around. Now pick it up and throw it over your head, now pick it up. Now shut your eyes and throw it in any direction you wish. Now go over to it and pick it up, no problems are there?

Now get a coin, one of quite a high value works best for this experiment. Now drop it gently on the floor in front of you. Now pick it up… that’s right, you can’t find it, can you?

It has rolled down a crack in the pavement which is only just big enough to fit the coin if it rolls in a certain way. In fact, I have doubts that the crack in the pavement even existed before you dropped the coin. This experiment works even better if it’s your last coin, or if it’s the only coin you have for a parking meter.

When you drop a coin, it makes a dash for freedom as if it’s following some invisible Pied Piper! You can see it rolling away at warp factor nine before going into hyperdrive and disappearing for good.

There are of course many laws of Sod, some of which are only just coming to light. I discovered a new one only last week. I need to get it verified by the institute of Sodology! It might even be the same law as "never leave the queue you are in".

I have spasmodically been having a go on the national lottery for the last year or so. I only do this because I have noticed just how many poor people there are in the world… and I don’t want to be one of them.

So I decided on a collection of numbers and used them faithfully every week. Of course I haven’t won anything: totally zilch!

A couple of weeks ago, I changed my losing numbers for some sure-fire winning numbers.

The week after, five of my previous losing numbers came up on the Wednesday draw!

Sod It!