Doh!

Right. Before we start, I need to point something out; I’m Stupid! I know I’m stupid. Do you want me to prove it?

When I was just a young sprog, knee-high to a grasshopper, I saw the film Mary Poppins, followed a year or two later by Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang!

Can you imagine my shock when I found out that Dick Van Dyke was an American?! Honest, no joke, I really thought he was a regular Cockney Geezer! Doh!

When I was a young carefree teenager, I found myself a girlfriend who was obviously madly in love with me and totally devoted to me. She would spend most weekends away, staying with her Grandmother. Can you imagine my surprise when I found out that my devoted love was just using me as a front for her parents so she could spend the weekend with her hunky 24-year-old lover! Doh!

Once, while on holiday in Portugal, I  gave a parking attendant a 20 Euro note to change for my parking charge. Can you imagine my surprise when he ran off with it? I later found out he was just some homeless guy that happened to be passing, and the car park was free of charge! Doh!

I once whispered to a teacher in a school that I was visiting that a rather portly male teacher who walked around the place strutting like a rampant stag, was more than a bit lecherous and creepy.

She agreed with me, and added that, “He wasn’t like that when we got married though”. Doh!

There is a reason that I’m divulging my gross stupidity to you all, so you can laugh and sneer at me. No I don’t get any pleasure from being humiliated; I would like to come across as a suave debonair James Bond type.

The reason that I’m pointing out that I have the IQ of a grated carrot, is because of a trip to the supermarket today.

I saw a product which said, ’I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!’

Just how fucking stupid do they think I am?