Summer Breeze, Bad Fashions and Knobbly Knees!

We have had, here in Britain, just a few days of sunshine this year.

The British have a bad allergic reaction to sunlight, it makes us take our clothes off and get drunk. Not to mention the BBQ’s, where the man of the house who has never so much as boiled an egg for the rest of the year, decides that he should feed the whole neighbourhood, using nothing more than e-coli!

But the strangest thing is what the sun does to our dress sense.

Now, I have no right to lampoon people's dress sense, as the sun forces me to think that three quarter trousers and t-shirts are cool. But it has to be said that whenever I’m travelling abroad in a country of warmer climes you can always tell that someone is British, just by the clothes or lack of clothes they are wearing. Only the Germans can give us a run for our money in the fashion stakes.

First we have the skinny man who thinks he will enhance his chances with the opposite sex by wearing no shirt, baggy shorts and the biggest fashion crime known to man… sandals with diamond-patterned socks. Trust me, lads, you would have more chance of pulling a lady if you had a sign saying, ‘I have herpes’ than you would dressed like that!

Then there’s the bald-headed big-bellied beer-monster. They favour football shirts and shorts, or even a track suit. This, they think, gives the impression of athleticism. But what it really says is "Grow up, you knobhead!"

We do, of course, still have the stiff-upper-lip types who, if it’s called for, will take off their Pringle jumper and hang it around their neck if the temperature does exceed 35 degrees C.

But they are always in the shade and do not, if at all possible, mix with the other fashion offenders.

Then we have the females of the species. With the exception of America, no other country does `fat’ quite as well as us Brits.

Our fat girls think shame is for quitters, they try to enhance their fat, by having it coloured in at the tattooist’s parlour. They then think it’s best to share their fat with the rest of the nation, by wearing little or no clothes at all!

The slim athletic type girls wear long dresses that cover up their well-toned bodies.

But we still have the old dears who favour the tried and trusted flowery dress, cardigan, tights and sandals.

It’s a strange phenomenon, because for the rest of the year these people are quite respectable, well some of them are. They don’t wear outlandish costumes in spring autumn or winter. So why does the sun have such a strange effect?

I suppose Noel Coward summed it up with his song title, `Mad Dogs and Englishmen Go Out In the Midday Sun!’

We must all be suffering from sunstroke!