Strictly No Dancing!

Britain seems to have gone dance crazy!

We have street dance, strictly, dancing on ice, Zumba and many more. I don’t get it! I really don’t see the point of dancing.

Now before I start, I must own up to having all the grace and skill of a Walrus on an assault course when it comes to dancing.

I start off moving my head to what ever music is playing, but end up looking like someone in the later stages of dementia by the end of the song.

When it comes to the faster more upbeat tunes I just look like someone having a grand mal seizure; it’s not pretty. I can clear a dance floor quicker than a vindaloo fart, when I get into full swing.

The most embarrassing thing is that it’s not genetic. My father was one mean jive dancer; my brother John was a brilliant Northern Soul dancer, and even my son Lee can cut some mean shapes on the dance floor, while I look like a special needs Christmas disco.

What makes dance worse for me is the clothes that they wear. On ‘Strictly’ they dress men up in clothes that make the most masculine of men look as butch as Priscilla Queen of the desert. Even Mike Tyson would look as camp as a row of pink tents in those clothes!

When I was much younger, my trainer thought that going to ballet lessons would make me more mobile in the boxing ring; he also thought it would help to build strength and stamina, he was right.The male ballet dancers are incredibly strong and very lithe and not in the least camp, as I thought they would be. But as soon as they put the tights and little jackets on they remind me of drag queens.

Street dance looks good for about 30 seconds, then it just looks like kids desperate for attention.

I know that I’m in the minority. When I organise festivals or theatre events, I get inundated with people wanting to be part of the dance troop.

So what is wrong with me? I love music probably more than most people. I have a radio show on radio Phoenixfm 96.7 (Wednesdays 2-4pm British time) and I play all different types of music including dance, but it doesn’t make me want to dance.

I’m quite fit, and when playing one of my favourite games, badminton, I’m quite agile (sometimes). But if you were to put music to it I would probably fall over.

I think that I should travel around the world experiencing different dances. I think I should start with Cossack dancing and end up with something really twatty, like Morris dancing.

Now I bet that would be fun, travelling the world, making a fool of myself.

Do you want to know the weirdest thing of all? I’m quite famous as a dancer, seriously!

I’m famous for dancing not only in Britain, but around the world; my most popular comedy routine ends with ‘The Chicken Dance’

You can read the dance in one of my children’s poetry books ‘The Return of The Spot’ it’s called ‘The Classic Dancer!’

Now that’s what I call dancing!