I get fed up of hearing the above accusations about men. Of course there’s
always going to be an element of truth in any stereotype, but the above could
just as well apply to women.
Let’s start with ‘porn’.
I can’t remember the exact statistic, but men are supposed to think about
sex every three seconds; whoever said that has never had to build a flat pack
wardrobe! I have, and for a whole two hours I thought about smashing up the
useless pieces of chip board they sent me, crying, going to the pub and just
sticking a hook on the wall! At no time did sex ever enter my mind.
I have, in the interests of research, been looking at certain porn sites.
(Honest, no lies!) It seems to me that most porn is designed for thirteen-year-old boys who
have never had sex or fifty-year-old men who can’t get sex.
Most of it seems to be about fitting big things into little holes! It’s
fast and brutal; is that really what men are supposed to find sexual?
I know we, unlike women, like things big. On the first night of sleeping
with a woman if a man were to remove his pants and the woman gasped, “Oh my god
it’s massive, it’s like a telegraph pole!” The man would be the happy little
bunny.
Where as if a woman was to remove her pants on the first night and the
man gasped, “Oh my god, it’s massive! You could plant a Redwood in that!” she
would, I’m sure, inflict serious damage on him.
And the amount of fetishes is amazing! If it’s between two consenting
adults I don’t have a problem with any fetish, what people do in their own
bedrooms (and others) is none of my business. But most of them would not appeal
to me, I don’t like being hurt or hurting anyone for sexual stimulation and as
for someone shitting on me, well I’ll leave that to the government.
But there are, of course, the usual perverts who prey on children, that I’m
afraid is where my liberal attitude ends. The people (if you can call them
that) who practice this perversion know what they are doing, it’s not about sex,
it’s about power and control!
But having said all this I know that lots of women love porn, I know a
few that openly admit to watching porn with their partners. And I know that it’s usually the women in the relationship that comes up
(forgive the pun) with some of the more risqué suggestions in the bedroom.
Next we have the posturing.
Now I’m the first to admit that nothing winds me up more than ‘macho’
men. You know the type; the snarling fuckwits who walk around like they have two
invisible rolled up carpets under their arms!
It’s usually young men that suffer from this; they want to prove just
how much of a man they are by acting like little boys.
I know some seriously tough men, I have been a fighter for a most of my
life, and some of the men I have trained and sparred with are more than capable
of dealing with any situation. But they are all happy, polite people. I know you
would expect fighters to be ill-educated idiots but this is far from the truth,
it’s just our sport.
The toughest man I have ever met (who shall remain nameless) is the
softest teddy bear, who has a constant smile on his face, just don’t try to hit
him!
I’m not in the first flush of youth anymore (or second, third or fourth).
It’s fair to say that I’ve been about a bit.
I now spar one day a week and because I prefer mixed martial arts; I’m
not interested in kicking and punching I would rather get my opponent down and
put them in a choke hold. I spar with guys that are half my age, big burly types. Most of these
guys are a good laugh and I’m able to pass on a bit of knowledge to them. One week a guy turned up with all the trendy fighting gear, he really
looked the part.
When I sparred with him, he threw a few fancy kicks and made some chicken-type noises, before I managed to throw him to the floor and put him in a choke.
When I released him he stood up with tears in his eyes and I swear this
is what he said, “That’s it! I’m off, and you are just showing off and trying to
hurt me!”
If you were to see him walking in or out of a gym you would give him a
wide berth he really looked the part of the menacing fighter.
But again having said all this, I know see groups of women out for a
night. They get pissed out of their trollies and start fighting. They swear at the top of their voices and intimidate people around them. I have witnessed a girl stick a glass into another girl’s face, and a
girl bite the nose of a doorman in a club. A good friend of mine was a doorman and he always claimed that women
were far more vicious than men when they were drunk. So it seems we are still on an even keel with women, so let's move on.
Paranoia.
All I have to say about paranoia is that I know a few blokes who, when
drunk, worry about certain things, usually who their other half is with. I must admit that in my circle of male friends I don’t really know any
that really suffer from this.
I’m trying to think of a way of writing about paranoia in women without
coming across as a sexist misogynist, but it’s difficult.
So here goes, I have been married for over thirty years. I have lots of
female friends and it could be said that living with men causes paranoia. But
when it comes who said what to who and when and why and because, sorry girls,
but us boys are just amateur compared to you!
No comments:
Post a Comment