It's better to give than to receive!

It may sound strange, but I do agree with the above title; let me explain.

The month of April, due to my wife’s family having some unknown weird genetic mutation, is full of birthdays.

My wife is a twin so that’s two before we start. Her brother, nearly all their children, even my son Lee was born on the 30^th. To make things even worse, Lee’s partner Kim has her birthday a week before Lee!

So the whole month is taken up with parties and presents. I’m not that bothered really I like buying presents. I spend time looking for something that I know the recipient will like.

My wife is quite easy to buy for; clothes and perfume. A friend of mine thinks it’s a cop-out when men buy women perfume, but my wife loves the stuff.

But one thing that everyone who knows me says is “He’s a git!” No, besides that. They all claim that I’m very hard to buy a present for. I like books and music and I have a large collection of pens (sad I know!). Other than that, I’m not really bothered about anything else. I’m a lucky little bunny that has everything he needs.

Clothes are a necessity, so is my car, I don’t like perfumes, not keen on parties, or gadgets.  But I do like to travel, so we usually go away for a few days for my birthday and I regard that as the best present.

My friend claims that when I receive a present I look like someone’s just pissed on my chips! He says that I never look happy. I am very grateful for any present, but I don’t know how to react.

When I was a child it was so different. The week before Christmas I used to think that my head would explode with the anticipation of what I would receive. The problem was that my parents had so many kids they couldn’t afford any of the presents that we wanted, so they bought the cheaper versions, and when I say "cheaper", I mean it!

I once asked for a Dalek, one of the evil machines from Dr Who. In my mind I would, on Christmas morning, awake to a large silver machine which I would climb into and drive around the neighbourhood, scaring all the local kids. I got a piece of polythene with spots painted on it and a plastic helmet!

I put it on and went outside and lost my whole circle of friends who didn’t want to be associated with such a twat!

But my parents did get it right once, I asked for a ‘Johnny Seven’. No, it’s not a multi-tooled sexual aid, it’s a gun that could be made up in seven different ways. I received something called a ‘Martian Bazooka’ which was obviously a much cheaper version than the ’Johnny Seven’ but it was brilliant!

We are talking about a time way before health and safety here, this plastic piece of loveliness could be easily modified to maim and injure people; every eight-year-old's dream. For weeks, I was the envy of the neighbourhood, until one day my mate Mick received two air pistols as a present from his Dad (honest!).

Now I ask you, what sort of Father would give a young eight-year-old boy two guns that obviously the potential to cause great harm. Only the best Father in the world! I can’t begin to tell you how many times we had to go to hospital to have pellets removed from various parts of our bodies.They were only taken off him when he accidentally shot my brother John in the back of the head. Don’t worry it wasn’t as bad as it sounds… Well it was for my brother, but the pellet only stuck in his skin.

As an adult, the best present I have received was a sat nav; I don’t know how I used to travel to schools all over the country before I had this little piece of wizardry!

A friend of mine once received a washing-up bowl as her one and only Christmas present from her partner. She had mentioned weeks earlier that they needed a new washing-up bowl so he thought that he would surprise her. She later surprised him by dumping him!

My mate who shall remain nameless (Mick) once bought his then girlfriend a vibrator for Christmas, as a joke he said! She wasn’t very happy but strangely, one evening while the story was being told to a group of us, one of the group cheekily asked ,”Did you ever use it?” To which she replied, “Of course I did, it makes fantastic frothy coffee!” I don’t know if this is a euphemism for some sexual deviancy that I know nothing about, or if she really uses it to make cappuccinos.’

And finally, when talking to a friend about presents, and what’s the best and worst you have been given.

When asked what the worst thing he had ever been given, he replied, “Gonorrhoea!”