Inaccurate Histories!

It has been discovered by professor Noah Ideeas of North Dewsbury University that the reason for the expansion of the Roman Empire was not for reasons of colonialism, but because of fast food franchises.

This astonishing news has just come to light, when Professor Noah read about it on the internet!

It seems that the first of these was a general Dominus; he had worked his way up the ranks of the Roman army to become a feared General. But because of his humble beginnings his English was not that good.

Professor Noah explains, “Anyone who has seen the ‘Gladiator’ film knows that the Romans spoke perfect English. But Dominus put an ‘a’ on the end of each word which often confused people.

He invented a pie where the filling was on the top, and when he tried to sell the franchise he kept on asking who woulda likea pieca pie?!

Others would mock behind his back shouting, ’You wanna pizza pie?’ and the pies soon became known as pizzas.

The pizza phenomenon swept across Europe; even the British, who are slow to try new foods, embraced this new craze, because of the magic word, ’Pie’!

Dominus set up franchises all over Britain, which in turn anglicised his name to ‘Dominoes’.

Professor Noah explains that the Latin ‘Anno Domini’ literally means ‘after dominoes’ which became the bench mark for fast food franchises.

The next Roman who tried to conquer the fast food franchise in Europe was a young emperor called Caesar. He had an eye for the ladies and would tempt them back to his place to try a glass of Asti and his own salad bar.

Professor Noah said that Caesar soon had ideas to take his salad around the known world. It went down a storm in most of the garlic-eating countries, but ran into problems when he reached Britain.

A few of the southern counties who had pretensions of being Roman bought into it, but the further north he went, the more he was ridiculed.

When he reached Scotland the head of the chieftains, one Ronald McDonald, was horrified to think that salad and vegetables would be introduced into Scotland, so he asked his brother in law, Adrian McAlpine to build a wall around Scotland to keep salad and vegetables out of Scotland for good. This was so successful that, two thousand years later, you still cannot get salad or vegetables in Scotland.

“Anyway” said the professor, “McDonald had ideas of his own fast food outlets, but no one knows what happened to him.”

But the main reason he was unsuccessful was that in Yorkshire there were already two fast foods.

First, in Pontefract, there was a man named Kenneth Tucky, known as Ken Tucky to his friends. He was selling fried chicken to the locals, but had run out of chicken after a couple of days so he found another source of meat - rats! He found that if he put them in batter and deep fried them, no one could tell the difference.

This also proves the point that if you batter it and deep fry it, the British will eat it.

There was also a young entrepreneur from Leeds called Greg Pasty. He had taken Dominus’s idea of a pie with the filling on the top and folded it over; this became known as Greg’s pasty fold, later shortened to the pasty. This killed off the spread of Caesar’s salad in Yorkshire.

Professor Noah says he doesn’t know what happened to these entrepreneurs or their franchises. But a lot of the fast food merchants nowadays could learn a lot from them. He added, “If these fast food outlets were still around, I’m sure that we wouldn’t have the obesity epidemic that we now have.

Other historians have ridiculed the professor's findings, but he has the proof; “it’s all there on the internet,” he says!