I'm Sexy And You Don't Know It!

I have just seen a piece about the actor Brad Pitt on the TV. He was described as a 'heart throb' and the female presenter blushed at the mention of his name. Either that, or she had run out of hormone tablets!

Now I'm sure that he's a nice guy and could have his pick of women to play 'hide the sausage 'with, but is he really any better looking than most Hollywood actors? This also goes for Tom Cruise and Johnny Depp. I know someone who really has the hots for the latter, and she should know better! But who said that that these guys are the hottest men around? Did they have to sit a test to get the position? I might apply if you do. I, like them, am not in the first flush of youth. I do resemble something you would flush, though. I was once told that I was cute by a girl back in 1979! I remember the night well, it cost me £20 and a course of antibiotics! Could I use this on my CV, to become Yorkshire's heart throb?

What does the job entail? Is it just appearing in crap films and looking gorgeous? I could easily appear in crap films. Who are the judges that I would have to bribe, sorry, please, to get the position? When I became the poet Laureate for Calderdale, a title I've not had chance to abuse yet. I received a lovely glass trophy: would I get something like this to say that I'm an official heart throb?

Have you noticed that when the title 'heart throb' is mentioned, girls no longer are said to 'swoon' - they now get the 'hots'. Most women of my age get the 'hots', but there are patches they can wear to cure this. This is my check list to see if I'm eligible for the post.

All my own hair, just about, tick.

All my own teeth, except one, tick.

Six Pack, chilling nicely in the fridge, tick

Not yet incontinent, tick.

Don't wear jeans with elasticated waists, tick.

Know more than two words with more than two syllables, tick.

Doesn't get drunk and make a fool of himself, X. Fail!

I wonder what score you need to pass?

If you are serious about your profession, I'm sure no matter what sex you are, it must be quite annoying if people just go on about how you look all the time. People do this with me, but for all the wrong reasons! But when you see young women going on about being taken seriously, when they have two bouncy castles implanted in their chest, and enough Botox to paralyse a hippo in their face, you don't immediately feel much sympathy. They have to remember that looks do fade in time. I can testify to that! You have to have more if you are to survive in such a shark-infested industry as the films and TV.

I have to admit that I don't think that I have ever watched a film featuring any of the above actors. I'm not being a smartarse about them or their work, it's just that I don't watch films. The last film I went to the movies to watch was Men in Black 1. I only went to watch that because I was working (not one of my harder jobs admittedly).

I had a chat with a friend recently about heroes and villains and we both agreed that it's quite boring just having the good looking peeps as the lead in films and literature (although she's got the 'hots' for Johnny Depp!)

Take Quasimodo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Victor Hugo could have easily had him as the romantic lead, which he was, in effect. But they wouldn't let him get the girl. Why? Imperfections can be sexy - I tell myself this each day. If Quasi had a slight hump, a muscular body and a scarred face, he could have been seen as a heart throb. Remember the phantom in The Phantom of the Opera was supposed to be a villain, but now he's regarded as sexy (he's not my type, though!)

So I would like to put myself forward as a heart throb. It will make a change from my heart throbbing due to over-indulgence. I'm willing to appear in crap films and have women have hot flushes over me. I'm more Quasimodo than Tom Cruise though, but I can ring quite a mean bell! So, can you send me the registration form so that I can sign up for the post? And don't worry, I wont be the aloof type of heart throb that gives the impression that you can look but not touch, I'm far too needy for all that!