Separated By A Common Language.

I think that it's safe to say that, throughout the last three hundred years or so, America and Britain have had their ups and downs with each other. They are like an old married couple, they get on each other's nerves most of the time, but they wouldn't want to be without each other.

Like all marriages, they start off with the same likes and dislikes, then over time they drift apart. The problem with America and Britain is that it's a young bride married to an old, cantankerous git! 

Britain is growing old disgracefully,while America is still trying to keep up appearances.

They started off able to talk to each other, but, over time, they now find that they are both separated by a common language. You would think it was the youthful America, with its many immigrant influences, that has changed and, in the everyday slang, this would be true. But it is actually Britain which has altered. Lots of the words America uses are quite archaic to us here in Britain.

What the Americans would call 'Fall,' we call 'Autumn' They say 'Pantyhose,' we Say 'Tights' They say 'Heavily Built,' we say 'Fat Bastard!'

Americans are often shocked by the service that they receive when they first visit Britain. But we Brits can't do with the “have a nice day” culture. And we like to decide who to tip! I think the people of New York are probably the most like us Brits in their ways. But as with all married couples, one speaks their mind, while the other often apologises for their rudeness!

The reason that I'm telling you all this is because, if you haven't guessed by now from the the books down the right hand side of this page, I'm a writer. Being a writer isn't as straightforward as it seems. Let's not beat about the bush here, if you want to make it big, you have to break America! This means writing things that the American public will identify with and like. None of my books were written with this in mind. They were written for a British market in a style that is, I would say, typically British. I write mostly comedy, but the books in the Twisted Minds series are fast-paced, strange stories for young adults. They say that comedy doesn't travel, and I would agree with this. So can you imagine my surprise when I found that my books have gained a cult status in America?

I can understand the Twisted Minds and the Celtic Chronicles series going down well over there, as they deal with fantasy and friendships. But my children's poetry books have gained the most interest. Again we are separated by a common language and my most popular book is called The Spot On My Bum. Now, in America, a bum is what we would describe as a tramp. The Americans would have called the book The Spot On My Fanny. Any Americans reading this, don't even go there, it's not the same thing over here in Britain. School teachers would ask you to leave the building immediately if you said this. Having said that, my new poetry book is called Great Aunt Fanny's Moustache, but this is in a different context. And to any Americans who are soon to visit Britain, the bag you tie on to your waist like a utility belt, is not a 'Fanny Bag'!

When I first started writing, it was to encourage my then ten-year-old son to read. He's dyslexic and had no interest in books. I used to write him a poem each night, and he would write me one, and we would swap our poems with each other the next day. All the poems in the fist book, mentioned above, were the poems that I wrote for my son, Lee. All the poems are described as slightly rude but have a British rudeness about them, so why are they becoming popular in America? Well I suppose all children like a bit of rudeness, And Benny Hill and Monty Python went down well on the other side of the pond. I also visit schools all over the world, which is strange. The problem is that most people around the world think that us Brits all talk like the Queen! Trust me, only her and her offspring talk like that! We, like the Americans, have a very diverse range of accents in such a small country. I am the proud owner of a Yorkshire accent, which means most people in Britain don't have a clue what I'm saying, So how the hell do people in other countries understand me?!

I have found, over the years, on my travels that children are children the world over. They may all have different problems but they are all basically the same underneath. My school visits are about teachers and parents having fun as well as the students, its easier to learn if you're laughing. Although there will be people who won't agree with this sentiment but, hey, what the hell, I can't please everyone!

So, if you're a teacher in America and I'm due to visit your school, we may have more fun trying to understand the differences. And if I'm not due to visit your school, Why not?! Get in touch and book me now! I'm trying to keep this marriage together, damn you!