Tuesday, 6 January 2015

The Parents' Handbook of Failure

I don't think there's a person alive who, when finding out the news that they are to be a parent, thinks “Good! I'm going to try to be the worst parent alive!” You may have doubts about your ability, but you will still want what's best for your new little bundle of problems.

Handbooks and celebrity parents are the worst form of information when it comes to being a parent. They make it all sound so easy and they seem to have everything all sewn up! But, in reality, books are written by people who glean information from government, and celebs usually don't write their own books, and if they do, they all usually have nannies. Trust me on this, everyone is clueless when they are faced with the prospect of parenthood for the first time.

It doesn't matter what a famous pop star says about how they feed their little mite, That is not your baby, and no two babies are the same. My son's feeding habits were totally different to his daughter's feeding habits. Her behaviour and likes and dislikes are completely different to what her father's were at her age! Think about it. You think you are unique and have your own likes and dislikes? Then why would you expect your child to be any different? The truth is that young babies take up a lot of time: they are very demanding. But as long as they are fed, loved, and kept warm, you are doing a good job. I don't care what the books say! And as for getting your figure back, remember if you can afford a nanny and a personal trainer, stylist, and holidays in warm foreign climes without your offspring, then the chances are you will look a lot better than a single mother trying to cope alone, in a bedsit, on benefits.

When they become toddlers, the golden rule is the same as with babies, but remember that at this age everything that can be found is tested with the mouth. So anything that is sharp or chemical should be out of their reach, also all ornaments should be nailed to the ceiling and all fires should be put under armed guard. If you do all this, you are doing all a parent should: it's not rocket science. Your toddlers will suddenly develop a diet that they prefer. Use this to experiment, and feed them as much fresh food as you can afford. It's usually cheaper than buying ready meals. You can have a toddler and still cook - your parents, their parents etc did, and so can you! No excuses! This is a great time as a parent because your little cherub is now developing their own personality. Give them as much encouragement as possible but remember you are the parent, not them. You are in charge and with lots of patience and love and stubbornness they will learn to accept your leadership. Remember they are not toys, accessories or belongings they are just little people: treat them with respect, but also expect the same respect back from them.

As they get older they will develop more personality, so just enjoy their difference, and talk. Communication is the greatest tool you will ever have as a parent. Keep them away from crap food though, I'm a firm believer that crap food causes lots of problems for a developing mind and body. Don't think they are clones of you and have all the same hopes, dreams and aspirations that you had. And don't try to live your failed dreams through them, they are not, never will be, you!

When it comes to the teenage years, good luck, you are on your own! You may think you are quite a reasonable, patient person - ha, you wish. You will be confused at how a loving, reasonable little adult can turn into a snarling, withdrawn, monosyllabic bundle of hormones. But the same applies as with all parenting: talking, consistency, love and time is all you have to give. In return you will receive love, and a lot of heartache.

Then they leave home. Now you worry if they are OK. What they are up to? Who they are with? Let go. If they have decided to go out into the world and find their own way without you funding their every move, then you have, my friend, succeeded as a parent! You can do no more: they are now fully-formed people with a mind of their own and dreams of their own. It's time for you to get out there and enjoy life. All the things that you put on hold are now there, waiting for you to come along and embrace them.

They might call back with the news that they themselves are about to be parents. I suppose it's down to the circumstances whether this is good news or bad news. All I can say is for my wife and myself our little granddaughter is the best present anyone could have given us. To say that she is loved is an understatement. Because we don't have the responsibility for her everyday needs, we only get the best bits. She has given us a new lease of life and brought us all even closer as a family. But remember it's not your child and you don't have a say in how things are run. But it's our job as grandparents to sneak in the odd forbidden treat, even though it means getting a telling off later.

So, remember; if you love your children and use common sense about things, then you are doing fine. It's OK to ask for a bit of advice and need a bit of assurance from time to time - this doesn't mean you are a failure, it means you are human. Enjoy the good bits and try to ride above the bad bits. Let me know how you did this if you are successful, I would love to know.

Your child is a unique human being with needs and wants of his/her own. Don't beat yourself up because others seem to have things more together than you. They, too, will have the same doubts and fears that you have. Of course, all I have written here is about my own experience, so you are free to scoff, and mock all that I have written. All I can say is that this worked for me.

Just remember that everyone's life is full of highs, lows, pitfalls and gains. No matter what the books and glossy magazines tell you!


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