Tits And Teeth!

When I was in my late teens, a friend and myself started to travel the entire coast of Britain in a little tiny minivan. We were in the Lancastrian seaside town of Morecambe, when we passed a municipal hall of some sort. Looking inside, we saw a dance troupe being put through their paces by a rather imposing woman with a large stick. She also had a cigarette sticking out of the corner of her mouth. Being like most eighteen year olds, when confronted with a group of attractive young girls we stood and watched, and tried to get their attention. Because we were two skinny, scruffy oiks, they chose not to be impressed (their loss). The teacher, or whatever she was, saw us, and announced to the girls, “For God's sake girls, smile, look at the lads, and give them what they want! Remember, tits and teeth!” She was nearly right, but I don't remember being impressed by their teeth!

The reason for me telling you this is because last night I watched a program on TV about cosmetic surgery that had gone wrong. What is up with these people? Why on earth did they feel so ugly that they had to mutilate their own bodies in such a way? And where did they get the surgeons from? Had they written their phone number on the back of a toilet cubicle door? I love to cook, and can carve up pieces of meat quite well, and I reckon I could have done a better job than these so-called surgeons. These people had industrial filler pumped into their faces, breast implants that looked like meringues and dental work that looked like it had been done by a blind javelin thrower. The reason they do this, is, of course, because of low self-worth and the media telling us what we should look like, and what we in turn should like. Just like the dance teacher thought that we were interested in the dance and not the dancers!

I have written before about what we find attractive and about love. There is no order to this subject, no rationale and no reason. The truth is, you can fall in love with anyone of any colour, creed, age or sex. Love and lust are indiscriminate they strike when you least expect it and sometimes in the most peculiar circumstances. I have known people who are straight, who have fallen in love with and had passionate affairs with people of the same sex. But they have no interest in any other person of the same sex except the one they are in the relationship with. And when the affair is over they they have gone back to being totally heterosexual.

Quite a few years ago, I worked on a project for a couple of weeks. I have to be careful here not to reveal people and places. But while working on the project I met a lady who, I would guess, was in her early sixties. She was intelligent, witty, full of life and quite attractive, but not in a "tits and teeth" sort of way. She worked alongside a young man who was in his early thirties. They obviously hit it off. It was plain to see the chemistry between them both. It was a meeting of minds and they obviously felt totally at ease in each other's company. One day the students had finished but were due back to give a performance later that evening. 

So this lady and myself went out together for a bite to eat. She wasn't her usual vibrant self and was quite withdrawn as we sat and ate. I asked her if everything was OK and not to worry about the evening, as everything would be fine. A little later she put down her knife and fork turned to me and said, “Gez (that's my name you know?) I have a friend..” We all have in our lives found it easier to discuss our thoughts by use of a third party.

“This friend seems to have got herself into a bit of a pickle. She seems to have fallen head over heels in love with a young man half her age.”

“It happens,” I think my glib response was. To be honest I just wanted to eat my food get on with the evening and go home.

“My friend is thinking of telling this young man just how she feels,what do you think, should she?”

I really didn't care either way, other peoples lives are their concerns, not mine.

“Is the 'friend' married with a family? Is the young man married with family?”

“She is married with grown-up kids and he has a partner and a small child” 

It's funny that, because this was the exact same circumstances of her and this young man.

I told her that, really, it's up to her friend to make her own decisions, but she must remember what she has to lose. Her husband, respect of her kids. And who says the young man has the same feelings? He might be horrified by your friend's advances, especially with the age difference. So she might even loose his friendship. I thought it would be best for her friend to keep quite and maybe try not to see this young man as much. She agreed with me and fell silent for the rest of the evening, She seemed to have taken my advice quite badly on her friend's behalf.

I worked again with this woman and the same young man a few years later. They were flirting with each other and laughing and were incredibly happy and this created an ambience of happiness for all involved. I later found myself again eating alone with this woman (I must stop doing this!). She started to tell me something that no one else should ever know. This is what she told me.

“I don't know if you remember the last time we met, but we had a conversation in the pub?” 

“About your friend?”

“That's correct, but I have a confession to make, it was really about me.”

No shit, Sherlock! She should have said something to me or at least given me a clue it was about her!

“The young man I spoke of was …. (no names). Well, two days later, one of the students had a fall and ….. and myself took her to the local hospital. While she was having her arm bandaged, a woman walked from a cubicle, crying uncontrollably, as her husband had just died in an accident. She kept on saying, how much she loved him and she should have told him this. Both … and myself were so moved. Then without warning he turned to me and said, “I love you!”.

By now I was losing the will to live, I really didn't want to know any of this.

“We have been having an affair ever since (Her and him, not me and her!) and we are deeply in love. We also love our partners and don't wish to hurt them, so you are now the only person who knows about this (and, now, the people who read this blog.)” I don't think she realised just how complicated her life had become, but she was incredibly happy, so who am I to pass judgement?

The point that I'm trying to make is that looks are not the most important thing about relationships. There is no one size fits all. Some people like big people, while others prefer the opposite. The thing is to be comfortable with who and what you are. Don't worry what others think about your choice of partner. The relationship between the couple I have just spoken about seems a little too complicated for me. They only see each other in works time and sneak kisses and cuddles, but this is enough for them. What they do give each other is peace and comfort: they feed each other intellectually and they are totally comfortable when they are with each other, which is something most people can't find.

So, it doesn't matter what the new vogue is, whether it be tattoos or big bums or large breasts. Just find someone who cares about you and makes you feel good about yourself. You do not need to mutilate yourself to find this, because your looks will be of no importance when you do find it. So like whatever you like, dress however you wish and stuff those who wish to criticize you for your life choices.

Now, a confession from me. I know that if you read this blog you will be thinking that I'm a young, incredibly good looking, witty man about town? Which of course is true, but others seem to see me as an ugly grumpy old git! I have decided that the grumpy old git bit can't be remedied I'm afraid - I'm stuck with that. But does anyone have a number for a cosmetic surgeon that could do me a face lift for thirty quid? I'm sure that it would improve my confidence no end!.