Dus Tha Speaky Da Lingo?

If you don't understand the above title, don't worry! I will explain in a moment.

While walking through my local town centre yesterday there was a group of devil-dodgers doing the usual shouting and praising. I noticed in the group a rather large lady, who by the sound of her accent was from the West Indies. There was a man who seemed to be the head of the group, reading from the only book in his library in a half-Shakespearian, half-trade-unionist style of voice. Every time he finished a sentence, he held his arms up to the sky (hoping a Lufthansa jet didn't fall into them). This was a sign for his devout followers to raise their Bibles high in the air and rejoice. What amused me the most was the large West Indian woman held up her Bible and shouted, “PRAISE DI LARD!” I couldn't help but think, looking at her, that maybe she should, “PRAISE DI OLIVE OIL” for a while and get a few of those pounds off!

But having thought this, I realised that here in Yorkshire where I live, we also have our own peculiar way of speaking. I have in the past while on holiday in Turkey reverted to speaking "broad Yorkshire" with a fellow traveller. Not only did the locals not have a clue what we were saying, but also most of the English people were baffled as well. So today I thought I would teach you a bit of our own strange language.

If you are thinking of visiting Yorkshire for a holiday you are in for a treat. Yorkshire is the biggest county in Britain, and very diverse. We have industrial cities, beautiful country villages, and a wonderful coastline. We have everything a traveller will need. But do be aware of our ways: we are known for our straight talking. There is no attempt to hide what we think about things. There's an old Yorkshire joke that goes like this.

Two young Yorkshire men were unfortunate enough to find themselves working down in London and were like fish out of water. They decided to go out for a night and see if they could strike lucky, with a couple of the local ladies. While in a night club they found that lots of the ladies couldn't understand the way they spoke, so one of the men asked a local man how to approach the ladies. The local told them that you should go up to a girl dance along side of them then pay them a compliment. Both Yorkies nodded in agreement. Seeing a large girl gyrating to the music on the dance floor, one of the lads thought he would go over and try his luck with her. He did a bit of "dad dancing" and slid up alongside of her, then turned and winked at his friend who was holding up two thumbs in encouragement. The other then took a deep breath and turned to the dancing queen. He had thought of a killer chat-up line that he thought couldn't fail. So in his poshest voice said, “Tha dunt sweat much for a fat lass dus tha?” Translated, “You don't sweat much for a fat girl, do you?” Unfortunately lots of Yorkshire men don't think that's a joke!

There are three "Ridings" to Yorkshire, North, West, and East. I have no idea what happened to the south riding. But South Yorkshire is where you will have the most problems understanding the locals. Try this one. "Aye up, 'ow's tha doin'?" That is a warm greeting: “Hello, how are you doing?” What about this - “Gis a sup o' that will yer?” That translates as, “Give me a drink of that will you?” The polite response here in Yorkshire when asked this question while drinking your pint of beer in a pub is, “Piss off and buy yer own, ya scrounging bastard!”

While dining out, you must remember that food without brown sauce or ketchup is known as a pile of shite! A sandwich is a butty, and when told to, “get yer laughing gear around it!” means to take a bite of your food.

When a Yorkshireman refers to your wife as "love" he is just being polite, he is not trying to smooth talk her. If he says to your wife, “Fancy a pint?” then he is trying to smooth talk her. We use the word "love" for everyone. If you are a man and a Yorkshire man calls you "love" it's not meant in a slushy sloppy way, he is being friendly. When he call you pal he is being unfriendly as in, “You got a problem wi' me, pal?”

So if you are visiting Yorkshire you will have a wonderful time. Call in on the Dales, then nip across to Whitby. Visit the ancient city of York, or go shopping in Leeds: you will have a warm and friendly welcome. But so you can understand the locals, I am setting you some homework. Look up the song, "On Ilkley Moor baht 'at!" and try to decipher the words. If you visit my home town of Huddersfield I might bump into you, so until then, "Si Thi!" (see you).