Uninteresting Times

The Chinese have a saying which is, 'May you live in interesting times'. But it depends on what you call interesting times. If your idea of interesting is being shot at, or running for your life, then I'm positively, blissfully happy being uninterested, thanks. I think that exploration into space is very interesting and love reading and listening about it, but I don't want to be the first man on Mars. It already has a bad atmosphere and I would only make it worse. So what exactly is 'interesting'?

People often tell me about their wonderful trekking holidays in some Godforsaken country whose name usually ends in 'Stan'. They tell me of the danger they encountered and the strange foods they ate, yawn, yawn. If you are in country whose name ends in 'Stan', there's a good chance that their human rights ideology ends in 'hanging'! And I don't care if you ate Camels' testicles: what's wrong with a meat pie, it probably has camels' testicles in too, but they are hidden and given a much more appetising name. Such as 'meat of the desert!' 

Someone once told me how they were lost in the desert and drank their own urine: I prefer a nice Merlot, myself. Though I would imagine at some times in my life my urine would have been 90% Merlot anyway! Why would you want to do such things? I love to travel, but I want a few bars and restaurants in the places that I end up.

I don't want to wake up in a wet, cold tent with the smell of unwashed undergarments and socks burning into the lining of my nostrils. And when you exit the tent, there's a beautiful view of a misty morning around a large expanse of water. You are cold and hungry, so you get a fire going and fetch some water. And set about cooking a sub-standard breakfast, mmm... sounds so appealing. There's probably a B&B on the other side of the river, with double glazing and central heating and a nice woman who cooks a lovely full English breakfast. But the best thing is that while you are sitting in this nice, warm, comfortable guest house, eating your lovely breakfast, you are looking at the same view, along with some ejits freezing their bollocks off, outside a tent!

I have also been shown the future of food today. I know what a drain on the world resources meat production has become. I know that in many third world countries insects are a valuable form of protein. But today someone on TV was making mince pies out of meal worms and locusts! It's strange that here in Britain, takeaways are closed down by health inspectors when insects are found in the food. What about the future? Will takeaways be closed down if meat is found in their food?

Can you imagine how the complaint will go? There will be a slim woman (all food will be fat-free) with tears in her eyes, complaining to the health and safety bods, “I took a bite of my meal worm burger and found a lump of sirloin steak in there. I could have thrown up thinking I had actually eaten beef!”

I have eaten insects in the past and I have to say that when they are fried or cooked with chillies, or both, they are quite tasty. But I don't want them in my mince pies! I don't want a cockroach roast for my dinner or moth pate on my toast: I want what I'm used to eating, thanks! I know this makes me sound like a petulant child and in some respects I am, when it comes to food. When you hear someone saying, “That's quite interesting?” when they have just sampled some strange delicacy such as 'Gonad Soup', what they are really saying is, “This tastes like shit but I don't want people to think I'm ill-educated!”

Have you ever thought why people who live out in the mountains drinking gonad soup or even worse their own urine, want to come to Britain? It's so they don't ever have to do it again! I will also add that the more idyllic the country, the more brutal the government seems to be. I'm not talking about the Costas here, although Spain has had its moments in the past, I'm talking about the far-flung white beach resorts.

I was at an event for Oxfam last night and was fortunate enough to talk to a really lovely woman from the Maldives. She was bright and intelligent and spoke eloquently about the plight of her friend who was a journalist who spoke out against the regime there. He has mysteriously disappeared. Even though the Maldives are a small group of islands where most people know each other. When you see the brochure images of the Maldives, or of any country with idyllic beaches for that matter, you don't ever think of the political situation there.

But having said all this I can't stand people who go abroad, then moan about everything. If you want fish and chips and kiss me quick hats, go to Blackpool, and leave me in peace, will you! Wherever I go in the world, I always seem to get stuck with some moaning Brit telling me just how crap the country we are in is. I don't know how the waiters and the hotel peeps abroad put up with this on a daily basis. When these people are back home in Blighty, they will happily put up with any shit that is thrown at them.

So for me, I want my holidays to be stress free, where the most difficult decision I have to make is what to choose for dinner. I don't want insect mince pies, I want mince pie mince pies, thanks.

Remember, when someone starts a sentence with the line, “I'll tell you what might be of interest to you..?” It won't be, so beat a quick retreat!