But meanwhile,
professor Noah Ideas from North Dewsbury University has uncovered
ground-breaking evidence about Santa Claus.
Many people have
doubted that Santa was a real person. Some say he was a Turk who
saved children from death, while others think he was a composite of a
few eastern European saints. Some foolish people even think it's
their own fathers leaving the presents!
But professor Noah,
while doing extensive studies over a large latte and a dunking
doughnut, stumbled across the truth: Santa was actually a door-to-door
salesman from Chipping Sodbury!
He was called
Steve Nicholas, and it was just a quirk of fate and cheap ink that led
to the story that we now know about Santa.
It all started
when the sod-berry harvest of seventy-six failed. The professor
explains; the sod-berry, as the name suggests, was used as a powerful
suppository, and was harvested each September. But the harvest of
seventy-six suffered from the Haemorrhoidia blight, which wiped out
the crop. So, rather than starve, Steve Nicholas bought a few cheap
toys and sold them door to door.
This didn't go to
well at first, until by chance he met a man called Virgil Arkwright, who
owned a dog called Argos. Between them they came up with a new ground-breaking plan to sell toys by mail and have then delivered by Virgil's
dog, Argos. But they soon ran into problems, as Argos turned out to be
dyslexic and couldn't read the addresses. With lots of complaints
about undelivered toys. the authorities were soon after the couple of
entrepreneurs, so they fled to Poland. It was there that they met
what would eventually become the rest of their team.
While they were eating out
one night, a group of travelling performers entered the café looking
for work. They were a bunch of chorus boys, Dancer, Prancer and a
girl named Vixen, and were led by a husband and wife team. He was a
Viking known as Rudolph the Red and his wife was called, 'Shut up or
you'll get a slap!'
After they were
all introduced, they swapped stories and Rudolph thought he may be of
help to them. He explained that he had a friend called Randolph Scott
who was working on a teleporting machine powered by hamsters, and they
could send their toys to houses using this!
So they set up
shop and all went into business together, with Steve at the helm.
The chorus lads
would do the packing and Randolph, or Scottie as he was known, would to
the teleporting; Steve would do the marketing, and Rudolph would be
the PR man.
They built a
warehouse and soon found that Virgils dog, Argos, though it couldn't
read, recognised numbers. So using only little blue pens that they had
bought as a cheap batch they wrote out numbers for the orders and
Argos would go and fetch anything they wanted.
It wasn't long
before competitors such as Walter Mart (known to his friends as Wal Mart) wanted to
know the secret behind their success; they had to hide what they were
doing and it was a returned package that gave Rudolph the idea.
They couldn't give
away the secret of Scottie's teleporting machine and the Argos system,
otherwise they would be out of business. But when, one day, a parcel
had been returned, they noticed that the writing on the parcel with
the cheap ink from the blue pens had run.
What had originally
said;
Sent
a Class.
From
Steve Nicholas.
North
Poland.
Now actually
read;
Santa
Class
From
St Nicholas
North
Pole.
People
were baffled as to how the toys appeared and thought they were being
sent by a saint in the North Pole. But who was this Santa Class Or
Santa Claus as he was now being called? And how did he deliver the
toys?
It
was after an argument with his wife that Rudolph came up with his
plan. They were arguing about the weather; his wife was saying that it was
sleeting outside, while Rudolph argued that it was raining. This went
on for over an hour until Rudolph, trying to keep his temper, blurted
out , “It's not sleet trust me! Rudolph The Red knows rain
dear!”
It
was then he had a brain wave, they would tell people that they lived
in the north pole and have a team of elves working for them packing
and then the mysterious Santa Claus would deliver them on his sleigh
pulled by reindeer. Led by none other than Rudolph the Red !
The
plan worked so well that they soon found they could fulfil all their
orders in just one day.
Steve
later married Vixen, and still to this day their children carry on
the tradition, and no one has ever found out their head office or
the teleporting machine.
Some
people have mocked this theory saying that it's all just made up by a
cheap and puerile mind!
But
the professor responded that he would stake his doctorate, which he
bought on e bay, that it's true, saying, “The Argos system is still
the best; why there are no more shops using this is beyond me? If only
people knew about Argos, it would be the end of shopping as we know
it. He then added "The evidence is all there on the internet”.
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