Inaccurate Histories 3: Mythology

Once again, radical professor Noah Ideas from Dewsbury University has uncovered previously unknown startling evidence.

While reading about the one true god, Zeus, he was startled to find that Zeus had a brother! His brother was a god of cleanliness and frozen foods, and he was called Zanussi.

It is known that Zanussi’s followers wore white robes and were known to do good deeds; this is why he became known as the god of white goods.

Also uncovered were two gods who became lovers, and have given of themselves to lovers the world over ever since.

Herpes was the god of embarrassing conditions; he had thought that he could never find true love until one night out alone he caught Chlamydia. She was the Goddess of undetected illness and fell from a bridge but was caught by the passing Herpes. They made love that night, and it’s safe to say that they gave each other a night neither would ever forget! They wanted to pass on their happiness to the mortals, and it’s safe to say that, ever since, devotees who have embraced the gods Herpes and Chlamydia have all had nights they can’t forget.

Other gods were jealous of the young lovers and tried to split them up. Verruca, the goddess of bathing and her lover Viagra (who was a builder, and became famous for his unexpected erections) decided to do away with the young lovers. They hired the winged assassin Anitbioticos to kill them. He succeeded in killing Chlamydia, but his poison darts had no effect on Herpes. It is said that to get his revenge, Herpes now waits for Viagra’s erections to appear so he can strike and leave his mark.

Professor Noah has also uncovered evidence that the Norse god of thunder had a speech impediment and that his real name was Eric! But it has been proven that he was very clumsy with his mighty hammer and would often hit his thumb!  While wincing in pain after the event he would show the injured digit to people and say ‘It’s Thor’ and people would fall about laughing asking him to say `sore' again, until eventually, the name stuck.

Also the Norse God of unfathomable puzzles, Ikea, was discovered last week by the professor.

This god built useful objects. but then would torment mortals by taking them to pieces and asking mere men to rebuild them. It has been known for men to go insane while trying to perform what looked to be one of these simple tasks.

The god Ikea was so fond of puzzles and tormenting mankind that he would also send them meat balls then drive men crazy when they tried to work out just what animal they had been made from.

People have argued that Zeus was not the one true god and that their god was the one true god and they can prove it because they read it in a book!

But the professor disagrees, saying `I think Zeus was a powerful god, but in time more and more people have become devotees of the god Ikea and temples to him have been erected all around the world. Every Sunday, which was the day of worship for some of the lesser gods, has now become the day of worship for Ikea. People turn up to the temples and return home with some of his more cruel puzzles such as the twenty-eight piece wardrobe.

Professor Noah says that he knows that his findings will be very controversial and that people wont believe him but he claims he has proof, “It’s all there on the internet!” he said.