The Lion, The Witch, and the Flat Pack!

There comes a time in all young men’s lives when they must prove themselves as men, not only to the females of their particular tribe, but also to themselves.

This takes many forms in many countries around the world. In certain Amazonian tribes, young men go out into the jungle alone to hunt, some under ‘’Shamanistic’ influences; they are whacked out of their brains on drugs!

The Masai of Kenya send out their young men to kill a lion to prove their masculinity, here in the west it’s different.

When a young man has reached a certain age and has moved out of his parents' dwellings into the first step of a relationship with a female, he is wooed and seduced by the female. She offers him freedom and lets him have sex in the ’Birthday Position’. This is the height of lovemaking, but is offered only on birthdays and special occasions. This is enough to keep the young man interested in the female.

When ‘SHE’ decides that it’s time to take things to the next level, the young man must be prepared to be taken to a land  far, far away, known as ’IKEA’. When this happens the young man knows he must face his ultimate challenge, ’THE FLAT PACK!’ These very words are enough to strike fear into the strongest of men.

His journey starts when the female announces that they need to expand on their furnishings; the young man knows what the next steps are. The female then 'phones her Mother and auntie to accompany them on their ritual visit. The first task for the young man to prove his prowess is to fit the oversized aunt and mother into the back of his three door mini without the use of a crowbar and cattle prod. Once they are all fully squeezed in, he doesn’t know it yet, but he has already failed the first test: DON’T FILL YOUR CAR FULL OF PEOPLE WHEN YOU HAVE TO RETURN WITH A FLAT PACK! The women know this, and gloat between themselves, as the young man drives on nervously.

On reaching Ikea, they then have to choose what flat pack is to be used for the test. A lazy woman who doesn’t care about what type of man she wants will chose a coffee table, where only the screwing in of four legs is required. The average man can accomplish this in under five hours.

The clever women will go for the wardrobe, but there are some evil ice-queens out there who plump for the dreaded six drawer head board combo! This should only be undertaken by a group of older men over a two week period.

A clever young man will look at the wardrobe that has been erected by the Ikea fairies, to work out how to construct it. These little people work only on a night, when the store is empty, to build furniture, to dupe young men into thinking it’s easy. Once the wardrobe with the unpronounceable name has been purchased the next test starts; getting it home.

The young man will quickly discover, as the women already knew, the said wardrobe will not fit into the mini with the mother-aunt combo in the back, or even without them in the back!

The young man thinks of how this engineering feat could be completed as he is reminded on several occasions by the females that other men didn’t have this problem. Other young employees of the store will offer to help, but their offers must be spurned if the young man is to prove his worth.

He thinks about asking the aunt/mother combo to lie in the back in the ‘Birthday’ position, but it has been so long since they did this, they wouldn’t be able to achieve full bend. Their idea of carnal lust is to lie on their backs and inspect the ceiling for cracks and cobwebs once a month!

He thinks about removing seats and cutting the side of the car off! He finally opts for the women to go to the café for some meatballs and pasties with the same name as the wardrobe he has just purchased while he does a forty mile round trip, with seats and doors removed from his vehicle. As he drives away one of the females then points out that he could have bought a roof rack in store for only five pounds!

The next test comes when he then has to erect the said beast. He goes to his tool kit, which comprises a kitchen knife and a tape measure won from a Christmas cracker! Then, nervously, he sets about reading the instructions.

The young man could have a degree in Astro-Physics but, when confronted with the Ikea instructions, he turns into a special needs kid on their first day at school. Nothing makes sense so he decides to build it blind, so to speak.

Two days later the finished article does bear a passing resemblance to the wardrobe in the store, except his has a strange lilt to the left and the doors don’t shut. He is also very concerned that he has over twenty screws left over.

The females tut and remind him that other men don’t have this problem when putting up Swedish furniture.

This is the time when most young men decide that they can live without the ’Birthday’ position for a few more years and that living at home with Mum and Dad has lots of benefits and do what all self respecting men do when faced with such a problem, walk away and go to the pub with his mates, job done!