Comb on Over to My Place!

There comes a time in most men’s lives when they are forced to make some difficult decisions.

When you go to the toilet, do you admit the dribbles are winning, and pee sitting down?

Should you go for the prostate test, and admit it’s not gay to let a doctor stick his finger up your bum?

But the big one is, should you comb over, or shave it off? I personally believe that it’s a crime against masculinity to comb over! Under no circumstances should you even contemplate this. Do you hear me, Terry Wogan? We all know!

But I have another dilemma. I have spoken before about how my hair has passed the go to grey section of life and arrived at the whiter than Hollywood teeth section of life. On the whole I’m not that bothered, but it does put ten years on me, no matter how I try to pretend it doesn’t (I look nearly forty some days!)

So do I go for it, and cut it all off? Or should I keep it and, as the kinder of my friends say, look distinguished?

I think "looking distinguished" is a euphemism for "creaky old git". People always try to do this to make you feel better, well some do. A woman once told me that I had an "interesting" face! What is she interested in?

Another woman (I meet lots of women in my job) told me that I had a face that had been lived in? By what, though; has my face been inhabited by two old tramps and a scabby dog?

I fully intend to grow old disgracefully; I’m not the type to have a pipe and slippers while reading the newspapers in the morning. I’m more of the "I hope I don’t get caught" type of person! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not up to no good (not been caught yet!) but I just like to live my life to my rules.

I once knew a seventy-year-old man who had eight kids to eight different women. His last girlfriend, who was very attractive, was only twenty six years of age. He drank and smoked, and lived life to the full; when he died I was shocked to find out he was only forty-three - having fun plays havoc with your looks! I thought he was at least in his seventies. But the women in his life only ever saw the fun-loving man who put them first; well he did until they got pregnant!

I hate the saying "why don’t you act your age"? I have a radio show, Phoenixfm 96.7, which is a mixture of comedy and…. Well it’s just comedy. It’s basically me ranting at poor Chantelle my co-op! Most of the people that listen to the show have no idea how old I am. I know this because they send in texts, emails etc saying remember when you were a kid, did you ever...? Then they reference something that would have been more appropriate for my son’s age! 

We all find it easy to put people in little pigeonholes, to make our assumptions easier for us. While I’m at it why isn’t pigeon spelt with a ’D’= ’Pidgeon’, that’s how most people pronounce it!  Sorry, I was distracted then.

So what should I do? Cut off my hair, or keep what I have left?

Pros

Less easy to identify my age.

Save on shampoo.

Save on barbers' bills.

Cons

I can’t see the back of my head to shave it!

Cuts owing to careless shaving of the head!

My head is peanut-shaped; shaving will make me look like a Doctor Who villain.

My skin is a light brown; if I shave my head it will be will make me looks like a pint of beer!

I think the best thing is to compromise. I’ll cut my hair down to a number two. I only hope the barber doesn’t point me to the toilet when I ask him if I can have a ‘number two?!’