Inaccurate Histories: Art!

Professor Noah Ideas of North Dewsbury university has just been working out in the field, but the community order has now expired, so he's back at his desk.

His new research has turned the whole of the art world on its head! The old ideas of genius painters have been blown out of the water.

“Take Leonardo for example,” the professor explains, “there was never a painter called Leonardo! There were two young painters called Lee and Ardo; they were spray painters spraying horse drawn carts. They worked for a firm called Dan Vinci, and used a donkey, a plate of beans, and paint-filled suppositories to achieve a fine finish on the carts. 

The two lads wanted to branch out on their own, so they set up a business sign-painting, and were commissioned to paint a local land owner's daughter, known locally as "moaning Lisa" because of her constant moaning. She complained time and time again that the lads couldn't capture her true inner beauty until Lee, remembering the trick with the donkey, fed her a plate of beans. The Mona Lisa enigmatic smile is nothing more than trapped wind!” explains the Professor. The lads finally became bored with the art world and devoted the rest of their lives trying to invent helicopters!

Meanwhile two of Lee and Ardo's competitors, Michael and Angelo were going from strength to strength. They were lovers, and Angelo had created a statue of Michael and named it after his lover. Michael, although flattered, was upset by the size of the penis on the bronze, saying that his lover could have been more generous with the size! Angelo thought that he had been more than generous already, so they changed the name of the bronze to that of a previous lover, David Ickle!

They were also famous for their spectacular graffiti, one night they sneaked into the local pubic toilets, known as the Cistern Chapels, and painted the ceiling!

“But”, the professor added with a note of caution, “There was never an Italian artist known as Botticelli. The myth about the tortured genius who murdered and cheated his way through life was created by the art industry to move on a few old paintings.” A man in a pub had explained to the professor that Botticelli is actually a mould that grows on jam and other preserves, either that or it's a chain of ice cream parlours, he couldn't remember which!

Meanwhile, over in France, there was a man who had set up a business selling a new concept known as 'painting by numbers', but all was not going well. One Maurice Net, known as Mo Net to his friends, had sold his idea to quite a few people, but, without training, the paintings didn't resemble the picture on the box that they were trying to imitate, so they sent the paintings back.

Mo was at first baffled by just what to do with all these daubings, but one day he noticed that from far away they could pass for some sort of art, so he sold them on, saying that they were an impression of a water lily etc., and not the real thing, and the idea caught on and became known as impressionism.

Even one of Britain's most famous artists comes under the scrutiny of the professor.

John Constable couldn't think up names for his art and his most famous piece was actually called, 'A cart stuck in some water by a mill' but at his first big showing when he was asked about the title of the piece he noticed his best friend Wayne Dodson chatting up a girl in the corner of the room. Constable shouted to his friend, “Hey, Wayne!” and people thought this was the title of the painting.

The professor said that Constable still thought that the original title of, 'A cart stuck in some water by a mill' was the better title right up until his death in 1973. (Constable died while eating a gob-stopper and watching Suzie Quattro singing 'Devil Gate Drive' - her gyrating caused him to choke! He was nearly two hundred years old at the time)

And finally the professor says that he is about to reveal some news about a current famous artist that will shatter the whole of the art world. He says, “I can't say much at this moment in time because, like all my work, I prefer to thoroughly check out the facts before I publish. But I will say that the news of the identity of a famous artist is drawn into dispute. All I'm saying for now is, has anyone ever seen Damien Hirst and the former racing driver Damien Hill in the same room? I think not, and don't you think it's more than strange that they have the same Christian name?”

Of course, as with all the professor's previous work, people will scoff, saying that this is just total nonsense and it is written by an imbecile desperate for attention, but the professor says he has proof, “It's all there on the internet” he adds.