What Is Love?

Since the dawn of civilisation it has been sung about, talked about, written about, practised and suffered, but just what is love?

Is it a definable entity? Is it an emotion, a state of mind or a physical affliction? All three can be applied. It can make you ecstatically happy, suicidally miserable and has even been known to render people physically incapable, so just what is it?

Many years ago I decided to tackle this question and write about it. I first decided to try the approach of one of my heroes, Socrates. No, not the Brazilian footballer, but the Greek philosopher. 

His approach to tackling conundrums was to stop people in the street and ask them the question; then he would mull over the many answers he received. He was probably the first market researcher.

Often, he would stand for hours talking over the subject with anyone and everyone, as he believed all opinions were valid, from the highest ranking official to the men who cleaned up the roads, (David Cameron, take note!). He would stop someone going about their business and ask the oddest of things, such as, “Why is the sky blue? Then he would cross-examine any responses. It’s the fact that blue light from the sun doesn’t penetrate the atmosphere and disperses, by the way, if you really want to know!

So I did just this. I asked everyone I knew the question, “what is love?” And guess what, I have never received a definite answer, only to say that it different for all of us.

While you are reading this, just think about your own situation. If you are in a long-term relationship, or if you are just starting out in a relationship (two different states) why did you choose that person? What is it about the person that you settled down with, that, for you, makes them stand out from the rest? This is of course presuming that you have had relationships with other people.

Other people could offer you all the things your partner does. Others might say that previous partners of yours were more attractive. So why have you settled with this person?

You often see people who, on the surface, seem to be total opposites, especially when it comes to physical attributes. The obvious ones are the seaside postcard types of the big dominating woman and the little skinny man. Or the supermodel type and the old millionaire… OK, we know about that attraction.

But think about how often you hear people say, “Have you seen her/his wife/husband, they weren’t what you thought they would settle with? This probably applies to my marriage. If you were to take a dating agency’s computer and type in all the information about both my wife and myself, it would melt in fear if our names were mentioned in the same sentence. Honest, we are total opposites. I would even go as far to say that when seeing the both of us together people would say, ”What the hell is she doing with him?” She is small, tolerant, gentle and very attractive. I’m none of these, though I do qualify for all their total opposites. But for whatever reason, for us, it works. We do drive each other mad, of that there’s no doubt, but it wouldn’t be love if we didn’t.

The very thing that you think is so cute about your partner when you first meet is the very thing that annoys you the most about them when you settle down. If you’re just starting out on a long-term relationship, trust me on this point!

The other thing about love is that it’s not one size fits all. I love my wife, I love my son, and I love my grand daughter, but none of them in the same way. I, of course, also love other members of my family, and I care deeply about my friends. But they are all different types of love and emotion.

For your family, it’s a love that starts with dependence, though often it ends in hatred for people. But it doesn’t ever really go away. Unfortunately, for lots of people, they don’t often realise just how much they love their parents and siblings until it’s much to late to tell them.

The love for your friends is another strange one, as I have written about it before; that even the most gregarious of people, no matter what they think ,will really only have four or five true friends, and if they have that many they are very lucky people. Most of your true life-long friendships start in childhood. But there is a limit to your love of friends, and they are easier to walk away from.

The love that you have for your partner is both the most rewarding and the most infuriating type of love. A true love affair, no matter how long it lasts, and releases in you a euphoria that is impossible to get elsewhere. It causes you to act and think in the most strangest of ways. It has given us the most beautiful poems and tales and music, it elevates you from the humdrum, and, when it ends, it leaves you with a sadness you think is incurable - as is often said, they take a little piece of you with them.

The love you have for your children is probably the truest of loves. It’s totally devotional, and unquestionable. When they are young, you suffer with them when they are ill, are happy when they laugh, you work for them, cry about them and would die for them. Often, you don’t receive anything back for all your emotional investment, but when they are young, a smile from them can spur you on; and when they are older, the unexpected, ‘Thank you’ can reduce you to tears; now that is love!

So whatever it is, whatever it does to us, I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you all get a chance to feel love sometime. 

As the Beatles said, ’All You Need is Love!’