The Dark Web

We have seen in the news of late the man who had become radicalised by right wing extremists. This is quite frightening, as it apparently happened over the course of three weeks.

I work with lots of men who live in isolation: lots of them are quite vulnerable, and the thought of them coming into contact with these puppet-masters is quite frightening. But this is not an isolated incident, of course; it happens in all communities, targeting the vulnerable, the disenfranchised and the lonely. Give them something to rally around such as nationalism, or religion and make them feel wanted, part of something, needed.

I have heard in the past about something called the dark web. This, I have been told, is where anything is available and anything goes. I thought that was just the web? I'm starting to loathe the internet, even though it is a fantastic tool.

The use of cookies by fraudsters leaves certain members of our community open to all sorts of exploitation. My wife likes to look up clothing items on the net and the amount of emails she receives telling her of the next best deal and exclusive offer is frightening. I, too, have recently received a couple of emails which were not only pathetic but also quite scary. I received emails from some dubious dating agency, which looked more like an exploitation agency I found it quite difficult to get these emails stopped. How they got my details is annoying to say the least, but I have a website and a blog, so I suppose it's not that difficult.

But what if someone had received these emails and had contacted them. I'm sure they are just some sort of scam, but a lonely person might think it was a way to find love. I'm sure they would soon find their bank balance disappear.

It has now become a bit of a minefield when it comes to booking a holiday, as the fraudsters have also moved in there too. There have been a string of sites set up, looking like the real McCoy, only to be offering non-existent deals. These sites are very difficult to spot, as you do receive confirmation emails and vouchers from them when you book with them, only finding out the fraud when you arrive at your destination!

My granddaughter likes to watch certain programmes on Youtube when she sleeps over at our house. One of then is quite good in one sense as it openly encourages play. Except for the grating American accents it is quite a good idea, until you realise that they are promoting the latest toys of one of the major corporations. She also watches channels where young girls try out products that they have been given for free and promote them to the poor unsuspecting children. I have great problems with these things but my wife claims they are just harmless. I disagree.

My Granddaughter is only five years old and these videos are often made by the fathers of these children and again, it all smacks again of exploitation. I know that there is lots of money to be made in this industry and some of these children have become stars in their own right, with millions of children following them.

So whatever the dark web is, it must be where people think they can't be caught, because I think you could already buy whatever you wanted on the internet. We are now so dependent on this monster that I don't think the world could work without it at this moment. Now that really is frightening!

Viewing

A short while ago a gentleman called to the sheds where I work to have a look around and for a chat. I must point out that this is not unusual, as we are a charity designed for men living in isolation.

This gentleman was, in fact, married, and just wanted to see what we did. He was in his mid-seventies and was a very witty raconteur, and while we sat in my office chatting away, he told me many very humorous stories about his life and travels. Then he added that he had been booked on a very expensive cruise around the West Indies and that the evening meal required you to dress with black tie. This sounds a lot less like a holiday and more like torture to me!

He went on to explain that he didn't own any evening dress as, like me, he was more a shorts and tee shirt guy, so he turned to our friend Mr Google to help him buy some evening attire for his much anticipated trip. Now, this is where it became interesting to me. He typed in 'men, evening dress' without any connectives. He then just clicked on anything that came up, not really being a regular user of the internet. He said he was shocked at the things he clicked into. He then went on to describe some of them - mostly they were men in dresses doing things to other men in dresses. He then said “God knows what would have come up if I had typed women evening dress!" This sounded like a challenge to me.

I am, at the moment, in the middle of setting up a charity which helps men living in isolation for whatever reason. It is usually because of mental health or addiction problems, but not exclusively. If you have ever tried to set up a charity in Britain, or anywhere for that matter, you will be aware of the work involved. It's very tedious, but necessary. So after hours of funding and buildings insurance and lease holds, I needed a break, I usually play a frog game at times like this, as it requires no thought. But one night I decided to put this man's theory to the test and decided to look up "women evening dress". Because I didn't want to be hauled away by the police for anything to risky I typed in mature women. I decided only to click on things without checking on the first page only. Over the next month or so I did the same thing when I had moments of boredom. My new friend was quite right: your innocent (sort of) search for clothing quickly leads you to the world of older women with implements!

The interesting thing is that when you type in certain garments, you get just that, such as coats, I avoided the word knickers as that would be just to obvious. But what was interesting was tights. That is, all I got was sites selling tights. But when I changed it to 'panty hose', we were back in the world of triple x!

When you click into these sites you can see that they are set up for young men and are devoid of any emotion or feeling. Most are quite funny. There seems to be a lot of American 'mummies' telling their sons how naughty they have been. The man behind the camera who is supposed to be the wayward son is obviously a middle-aged man with a big beer belly,  and the belly is not the only thing that is big, by the way! But as you quickly click through these things your amusement  turns to sadness when you see these Russian sites where you get the feeling that mummy might really be mummy! I find these things quite distressing and sickening, so I stopped my little experiment: this is a world I don't want to venture into.

I have to admit though I knew what would come up on the screen when I typed in 'mature women, sausage' - and it didn't disappoint.

But it does raise the question about how we control the internet or even if we should control the internet? There are so many fraudsters and gangsters out there who use the net as their showroom and it's so easy to fall prey to these sites. I proved that just by typing in innocent words you can be taken to all sorts of sites. If you are very young or very vulnerable then you are going to be a prime target for these people, but do we want a world of total censorship? I don't! But then I'm not very comfortable with things such as these sites where people who are living in total poverty are being used for some sordid cheap thrill.

I also feel sorry for legitimate companies which are trying to sell their wares only to be looped into these other sites which makes you realise that you now have to be careful what you call your company. Speaking of which our charity is called Platform 1 because that is our address we are set up along side Huddersfield Train Station. We are growing very fast and will soon have a hundred men using our charity, where we not only help them develop personal and practical skills, but also have an education strand which helps them to find work and move back into society. But we need funding, so if anyone out there wants to donate or thinks they would like to volunteer please get in touch with me through this blog.

Finally when you think of the sites that are on the web please spare a thought for the problems that the Cockermouth tourist board must encounter!

Alvin Stardust's Glove?

I remember once in my late teens being at my parents' house one Saturday night. This may not seem anything out of the ordinary, but for me this was very odd. I can't remember why I was there but my parents came back after visiting the local working men's club. The title,'working men's to me always suggests that women don't work. Surely it should be 'the local workers club'? But I digress.

Anyway, when my parents arrived home they had with them a woman who I had never seen before or since. Not a clue who she was, or why she came home with them. Those of you with dirty minds can forget it - my parents were strait -laced Catholics. None of that threesome stuff, it was six hail Marys and a hair shirt for even thinking about masturbation for them.

This lady looked younger than my parents, which wasn't that difficult, as even my grandparents looked younger than my parents. The lady took over the whole conversation and announced that she was indeed, Alvin Stardust's dresser. I think she put clothes on him. She wasn't, as far as I could see, a piece of wooden furniture. Now if you don't know who Alvin is, he is famous for a song called, 'My Coo Ca Choo' in the seventies. Other songs of his were, 'My Coo Ca Choo' and of course who could forget, 'My Coo Ca Choo'. What a career! I'm just guessing here but I don't think he was christened Alvin Stardust, I think he was also known as Shane Fenton at one time but I'm guessing he wasn't christened under that name either. I could look up his real name but, if you have read any of my previous blogs, you will now know that I can't be arsed.

If you do know who the said Mr Stardust is or if you have looked up old photos of him in the seventies you will now be aware that if this lady that claimed to be his dresser she should have been sacked after her first day! Even by seventies standards his dress sense was appalling. Black leather or checked flares were his usual dress, but also long before Michael Jackson was white and wore the one glove Alvin just wore one glove on stage as he did two hours of 'My Coo Ca Choo'. And this lady from her humungous handbag produced a small black leather glove and in hushed and reverent tones announced, “this is Alvin's glove.” Then she added, as she offered it forward to me, “ would you like to wear it?”

I started to laugh as she made it sound as if she was holding the holy grail, I asked why on earth I would want to put the glove on, “because Alvin has worn it” she replied. Now at the time I was a long haired hippy-ish type that listened to Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin. To me, Alvin Stardust was about as exciting as a bible class!

“No thanks I'll give it a miss if you don't mind” I replied though I couldn't help but notice just how small the offending glove was.

This lady looked at me totally perplexed. She couldn't believe that I would turn down such an offer, then became really angry when I asked her if she knew anyone famous!

The reason that I'm telling you this is because today I found myself talking to a lady of a certain age who, for all intents and purposes seemed quite normal. She then without warning said to me, “I hear that you write for a living?” “Sometimes” I replied.

Then she said something so odd I had to ask her to repeat it, “I have Tom Jones's sweat in my fridge.” She laughed when I asked her to repeat what she had just said, “Don't worry, it's not in a bottle, I'm not some sort of weirdo, it's on my handkerchief”

I tend to put handkerchiefs in the washer when they have been used. I usually use the fridge for dairy products. I really don't care who wore what, where or when, let them keep them. If Alvin had been given the handkerchief, he could have sung, 'Aah Coo Choo!' See what I did?

Mr & Mr

I have never understood the desire some people have to be seen as normal, because normality doesn't exist! We all have unique individual lives, and we all have different preferences and desires, so what exactly is normal? The people who I have met throughout my life that do everything they can to be seen as 'normal' are odd just for wanting to be something they are not.

I love the fact that we are all different, but some are a little more different than others, though. I'm recently back from yet another jaunt to warmer climes. This is becoming a habit that I don't want to stop. While touring we tend to pick hotels that don't really cater for the British as I can't be bothered to listen to the incessant moaning about the very things that I go on holiday to find. Different culture, food and people. But while we were on holiday I did come across some characters that would not be out of place in my 'Twisted Minds' series of books.

I had noticed a family one evening while in a restaurant. There was a young boy and a daddy and an extremely attractive mummy. She wore a short skirt and had a perfect figure and was very good looking. But because of my work I have counselled many people from many different walks of life and with many different problems, and I could tell that Mummy would have, at one time, been Daddy!

Once you have worked with transgender people you learn to recognise certain traits that they have, and Mummy had all these traits, even though she was stunning to look at. But the Daddy of the group was straight out of a seventies British comedy show. They were a German family and the daddy dressed in a pseudo-sailor's outfit complete with hat and wore a monocle. He did strike me as the type of man that may attach electrodes to your nipples as you slept! But they seemed quite happy as a group so what the hell? I did tell my wife that they lady may not be all that she seemed but my wife just laughed and said, not for the first time in our marriage, that I didn't know what I was talking about. I was so sure that I said, “make a bet with me and name your prize”. We often do this and the prizes are not really the sort of thing that should be written up in a blog. Well my prizes aren't!

We came across this family quite a few times while we were out and about and we always had the same "she is/she's not" discussion afterwards. We named them "Mr & Mr" mainly because of our lack of imagination. I constantly teased my wife about her forfeit when I proved her wrong to which she always answered, “get your wallet ready for some serious shopping.”

It wasn't until the night before we were due to fly back home that the bet was settled. We were entering a bar that was up a flight of very steep steps. My wife had got halfway up the stairs when this lady came walking down. I can't stress enough just how attractive this lady was she was always well dressed and had a stunning figure. My wife stood to one side and gestured to the lady to pass to which she turned to my wife and in a deep husky voice said, “Danke” to which my wife replied, “Oh shit!” The woman looked at my wife perplexed at her remark, but I couldn't help but laugh.

Later my wife said that she couldn't believe that that woman was a man to which I replied, “She's not, she's a woman, admittedly with a deep voice, but a woman none the less.”

There are lots of different views about transgender - whether it is a real trick of nature or whether it is a form of mental illness. The brains of transgender people that have left their bodies to science do show some differences but there hasn't been enough study to confirm that there is a real difference. Also there are studies that show up to sixty five percent of people that undergo corrective surgery regret ever doing this, lots wanting to reverse the changes.

I think that if people feel they need to change and it's the only way they can feel complete then it should be an option that they have. It's a very difficult decision for a person to make even though they themselves may not think so. But for me, you only get one shot at life so you should try to make it as happy as possible and if changing your gender enables you to achieve this, then I don't see why not after lots of counselling.

Well as for my prize after winning the bet, I'm yet to receive it. If you knew what it was, you may understand why. It is very strange, but I didn't say that I was normal did I?

For Goodness' Sake!

I have confessed many times to being one of life's cynics: I can't help it, I can smell bullshit a mile away!

Lots of people do lots of seemingly good things, and we all have our reasons to do something good. But are they good deeds if they are done because you are scared of a God or because you want a God to give you a better afterlife? Or are these deeds just a blind duty to a supernatural being?

I work within the charity sector and I hold my hands up straight away and say that if my peppercorn wage wasn't available to me I would go elsewhere. Not because I don't care about the people that I work with, I do, but I know that if I don't have a reason to go somewhere, I usually don't go. The charity sector relies heavily on volunteers. These people are usually caring and dedicated individuals -  of that there is no doubt - but they have their reasons to volunteer. Do they just do it because of a wish to change a life? I know lots of people will be very angry about this statement, but think about it. People volunteer because they are bored, lonely or just to occupy their minds. The fact that they volunteer is to be admired because while most people donate some money to alleviate their conscience, these people actually do something. But there are usually other reasons to volunteer.

I am in no way condemning the voluntary sector. Without these people most charities would fold. I'm just saying that there are usually other reasons why people do charity work.

But I have to take off my cynic's hat for a short while, to write about the story of a young boy who touched the hearts of millions, including mine.

Bradley Lowery was born six short years ago in County Durham. He was just another healthy bouncing little bundle of joy for his parents. By the time Bradley was eighteen months old he had contracted a rare form of cancer called, 'Neuroblastoma'. This horrible condition was to not only change the lives of Bradley and his family but also the whole of a town, Sunderland.

Bradley made people aware of his cancer, as it was scarcely known about by the public. He raised money for the charity and also £700,000 was raised to get him antibody treatment. People from all over the world sent him cards  - 250,000 in all. But his love was the game of football and his team was Sunderland.

His favourite player was the striker, Jermain Defoe, who became good friends with the young boy. This was no staged PR stunt by an overpaid footballer, this was a real friendship. Jermain would often call in on Bradley after he had been training, with no cameras to be seen, Bradley claimed that Jermain was his best friend and Jermain replied that Bradley was his best friend too. When Defoe signed for Bournemouth he drove back north to county Durham to see little Bradley, who always wore his football shirt with Defoe on his back and the striker's number. He even acted as a mascot for England and scored a goal before the game. We all hear about the negative aspects about feckless footballers and their ostentatious life styles, but how refreshing to hear about a wonderful guy who just gave his time and love to a young child that had such a difficult time.

It was announced that Bradley was getting weaker at the beginning of June this year and Jermain again turned up to little Bradley's bedside and laid and cuddled the little boy who in turn snuggled up to his hero. On the 7^th July little Bradley lost his fight against this insidious decease and died. The whole of the town of Sunderland mourned this brave little boy who had such a zest for life. The whole football team turned out for his funeral, along with past and present managers.

Thousands of people from Sunderland lined the streets as his little coffin was driven past and they both clapped and wept openly. Sunderland is usually known for negative aspects such as unemployment or the fact that they overwhelmingly voted for Brexit. Sunderland is usually held up as a town where obesity is rife, but now for me this is a town that can hold its head high. Men in football shirts stood with tears in their eyes proudly sending off one of their own, for no other reason than love, love for a little boy that they hardly knew. Bradley loved his super heroes such as Spiderman and the ninja turtles and Captain America. As his coffin slowly rolled through the streets, there, standing upright to attention in full costume were his heroes  - Spiderman and Captain America and even a ninja turtle all stood straight and proud, saluting his coffin.

And there, walking at the side at the side of the car carrying the coffin, was the little boy's best friend Jermain Defoe, who had flown back from training in Spain to be at the funeral. He walked with tears in his eyes and he wore an England shirt with the words Bradley Lowery and the number 6 on the back.

Sometimes we all do things because we love and care about others. I cannot imagine the pain the family of Bradley must be going through at this time but they must be proud of such a wonderful little boy. I know that they will be helped and loved by a whole community that cares. To Jermain Defoe I give my utmost respect. No doubt you will, like all of us, make mistakes, but when you were needed you stepped up to the mark and even walked over it.

Sunderland, I salute you!  

The Violent Pacifist!

I believe that we are all a contradiction of terms, though most people don't agree with me on this subject. But I bet that their public persona is completely different from their private persona. Just look at how many moralistic devil-dodgers get caught in brothels. How many times have you seen people flashing the cash in an obscene show of decadence only to find out later that they were completely broke? What about the poor old ladies that have to exist on handouts, only for it to be revealed that they were millionaires when they die.

The last one of those scenarios happened to me in the late eighties. I was working as a self-employed joiner at the time and I was called to a house owned by a lovely fragile little old lady who had unfortunately been burgled. Her door was broken and she needed a new lock. I managed to fix the door as she told me that she had no money. My brother in-law had a locksmiths shop and I explained to him the situation and he kindly gave me a five lever lock to fit for this charming old lady. When the work was finished she looked at me with her big puppy eyes that looked as if they were about to burst into tears when I told her how much I was going to charge her for my days work. But her worry turned to a huge smile when I told her to make me a cup of tea and we would call it quits. I even had to go to the shops for her because she had run out of milk! 

For many months afterwards I would receive a call from Mrs Johnstone asking if I would be kind enough to fix a fence or put a catch on a garden gate. The jobs were never that big and I usually did them on my way home from a day's work. She always paid me the same way, she made me a cup of tea. My wife even said at the time that she thought this old lady might be mugging me, but I told her that she didn't have any money at all and someone had to help her. When she died in 1989 she left a bank account that totalled £750,000. I wasn't mentioned in the will!

The above title is something that my older brother, John, always claims about me. I suppose in a way he is quite right. I detest violence when its directed at innocent people. I hate violence when it's directed at anyone really, it doesn't solve anything. I detest bullies, and I cannot understand why any politician would want to send young people off to war. Any fool knows that wars only serve to perpetuate hatred and fear, and diplomacy is the only way to solve differences. Having said all this I love to fight. In the ring that is -  I would walk away from anyone who verbally attacks me in the street, but not if they physically touch me. I would also become very aggressive if anyone was to harm those that I love. So you see, my brother is correct. I don't like violence, yet I use violence of sorts for my sport. I have to say though that all the fighters that I mix with are very similar to me; lots are doctors or care professionals. They, too, live their lives to help others but they love to fight for sport.

The other claim my brother makes about me is that I'm a 'gregarious hermit'? This is partially true as well. Let me start by saying that I'm not a hermit in the true sense of the word. I live in a neighbourhood with lots of people. Having said this, I don't mix with any of them or talk to any of them. I don't like parties and I don't want to strike up conversations with anyone when I go on holiday or when I go out for a meal or a drink. I have friends whose company I enjoy and that is more than enough for me. But in my professional life I have to chat to everyone. I have to make conversation and engage with others. It very important that people feel that they can talk to me and trust me, I'm there to help them. Also as a performer I have to engage with others and make them feel that we are friends. So you see both my id and ego are are constantly at odds with themselves.

But all these little foibles that I have pale into insignificance when you see the duplicity of the powers that be. How many times have we encountered terrible tragedies, only to be told by a second rate politician that their thoughts and prayers are with the families? what use is that! Firstly, thoughts and prayers are as much use as a cotton condom, but just how condescending is this phrase?

After the terrible fire at the Grenfell tower block we heard lots of politicians saying how sad they were. I'm not saying that anyone would be happy about the situation, but we heard lots of platitudes and no action! Behind the scenes I felt there was a very busy buck that had been passed around quite a lot. These people were more interested in not being seen to be at blame than stepping in to help lots of people who needed their help the most. But then I often feel that our politicians are the unelectable elected!

They Don't Do Proper Bacon... and other insignificant prejudices

I have been off on my travels yet again, to more warmer climes than the north of England. I have written many times about how I think that travel is important to improve yourself and your outlook on life.

When you travel, you quickly find that people are just people the world over. Yes you meet seedy low-lifes in other countries, but no more or less than you meet them in your own town or city. You will find that most people are friendly and just want to get through life without any fuss. They will probably have the same hopes and dreams that you have, with slight variations. I once met a man in Portugal who dreamed of owning a large herd of cows, whereas I opted for a new car.

While staying at the hotel in Rhodes this week I heard the familiar wail of Brits abroad, “They don't do proper bacon!” I have tried to explain to these people that it depends which side of the fence you stand on, what is 'proper' bacon. If you are not from Britain, you will not know what all the fuss is about, but bacon is ambrosia to us Brits!

There is only one other country that does bacon the same as us Brits and that's the Danes. I would hazard a guess that our love of bacon comes from them, when we had 'Danelaw' back in the day! When old Canute wasn't messing about at the seaside he, no doubt, liked nothing more than tucking in to a bacon butty with brown sauce! Even vegetarians here in Britain eat pretend bacon and vegans eat bacon flavoured crunchy snacks! We are just obsessed with bacon. The moaning pig munchers are quite right in saying that bacon in other parts of the world don't resemble what we call bacon, but if you want British bacon. STAY IN BRITAIN! I'm bored to the back teeth of halfwits whinging about their breakfasts. When I suggest to them that they may want to try something different, like say, something from the country they are in, they look at me as if I have just sold national secrets!

The other cry I hear time and time again is about Germans leaving the towels on the sun beds to save them! This of course is true but so do the Brits and lots of Eastern Europeans in fact everyone does. I have to say that I don't like staying in hotels and when I do I tend to spend as much time as possible out of them and seeing the sights of the country that I have paid lots of money to visit! Why don't these people hire a car and go off the beaten track? Try to talk with the locals - a cheap phrase book will help you out. Why not buy a local a drink in a little bar away from the tourist tat? A bar that has heard a million stories of life, trials and tribulations. Why don't they swim in the sea edged by a deserted white sand beach that burns the soles of your feet for daring to tread upon its beauty? Why don't they stand holding the hand of the one they love while watching the sun go down then drink and make love under a warm golden moon? Instead of sitting in a hotel bar with people they don't like while getting pissed on cheap plonk!

The other thing that Brits whinge about when they visit a warm country is, “Its too hot!” No shit, Sherlock! You mean the country that you sat and looked at in a brochure, the country that you chose because of its endless sunshine is... hot?

Now, I have singled the Brits out for all these silly little prejudices: that's because I'm British, so my fellow countrymen moan to me, but I know that other countries have these people as well. I also have an Italian background so I'm quite used to a lot of the Mediterranean food (See my new book Cooking With Babbo And Nonna). I also speak Italian and a little Spanish so I'm happy to try different languages, though locals often fall about laughing at my malapropisms as I mangle their mother tongue, but this is usually followed by a slap on the back and a drink plonked down in front of me. It's a brilliant way of finding out what it's like to live in the country you are visiting.

Mama, We're All Crazy Now

The above title is lifted from a Slade song from the seventies, though they had their own peculiar way of spelling song titles.

The reason for this blog is because of people's views about those with 'Mental Health Issues'. Just the phrase, 'Mental Health Issues' sounds in some way derogatory. One of the guys that I have been working with of late said to me in his broad Yorkshire accent, and in true honest and blunt Yorkshire no-nonsense style, “They put me in the nut house!” when I asked him why, he replied, “Coz I went mad!”

The point I'm trying to make is 'what is mad?' I think at some time in all our lives we ourselves go a little mad! I'm not trying to be flippant here, I'm serious, we all have times in our lives when we seem to lose the plot, as they say.

Now before you all deny any knowledge of ever showing any signs of mental health problems, we must first ask what they are. Depression, anxiety, irrational mood swings, compulsive behaviour. We all suffer from these to a greater or lesser degree. You could argue that the first flushes of love are a type of mental illness as you can suffer from all of the above when you fall in love! Of course there are other far more complex issues that people may face.

Someone the other day told me that they can't understand why anyone would dream of self-harming. There are a multitude of complex reasons why people feel they need to harm, but the person that made this claim had a cigarette in her hand as she said it! When I pointed out to her that she herself was actually self-harming she laughed, telling me that I was talking rubbish! But breathing in smoke that will kill you for no reason is self harming.

I work in a project where lots of the guys have had many problems in their lives. They are just ordinary guys that life has thrown a curve-ball at, and this has caused them problems. Lots of these guys are charming, intelligent individuals, who have suffered traumas that would finish a lot of people off altogether - but they are now rebuilding their lives. The main problem they have now is the stigma of the mental health tag! When some people hear this phrase they think of a naked man with an axe running amok on the streets! They never think that they will know lots of people who have suffered mental health issues, or that they, too, may have suffered from them.

When I look back at my own life, knowing what I know now, I can see times when I must have been finding things difficult. The problem is that we, men especially, don't like to admit that there may be a problem. We don't talk, we drink! This, of course, then causes other mental health issues!

The other problem is the way we like to put people into nice neat boxes so we know just who and what they are, but no one fits into one box! So having said all this, just what is normal? As you read this I bet you think you yourself are quite normal, unless you are one of those irritating morons that claim, “we're all mad here you know!” These people are not mad, just terminally boring! So when you think about your normal life I don't think it will be anything like my life and I'm quite normal! But there again my life is not like my neighbour's life and he says that he's normal? The truth is it's your life, your choices, it's normal for you: just don't judge others on your definition of normal!

I have to go now. The voice in my head is telling me to 'sit in water!' Sorry, it's just my wife asking me if I would like a bath... or is it?

Never Meet Your Heroes

This week I watched an interview with the stars of the new film, 'Guardians of the Galaxy'. I don't know the name of the actor being interviewed, and, as usual, I can't be arsed wasting any time trying to find out. But he was being interviewed alongside Kurt Russell, who was playing his wayward father in the film. The actor, who I presume was the lead in this romp, said that he was a great fan of Russell before making the film. He spoke of the nervousness he felt when first meeting the his hero. Then Kurt laughed and said, “the reality is nothing like the myth, is it?” to which the younger actor laughed and agreed. They had become great friends, or at least they pretended to be, while making the movie, only for the younger actor to find out that his hero was just a guy like him who liked to mess about.

This is the problem about pedestals, the higher they are, the more shaky they become. And when they finally fall, they come down to earth with a thud! I have never understood why people are so scared of meeting their heroes, I may like someone's work, but they are just another person like me as far as I'm concerned. I have met two of my heroes in the past: one was a big let-down, while the other was just what I had expected.

In 1998 a year after my first book. 'The Spot On My Bum' had been released, I was asked if I would like to appear at Glastonbury Festival (honest). Of course, I jumped at the opportunity to be a part of this legendary festival, all the more so when I realised that Bob Dylan, one of my all time musical heroes, was headlining.

I first heard Dylan's work when he released the track 'Knocking on Heaven's Door' from the film, 'Pat Garret and Billy the Kid'. By this time, he was already an international superstar of course, but I was in my teens at the time and liked this track, so I decided to find out more about him. I bought his first acoustic album and became hooked, though its safe to say that Dylan has made some albums that should have gone straight to the bargain bins since. But when he's on form, he can be sublime.

The day he was to appear at Glastonbury, I managed to find out where he would be and because I had a performer's pass, I found it quite easy to blag my way past the security who seemed to be just guys who lived locally and were 'doing the doors' to make a bit of cash. I might be wrong, and they might have been a crack team of undercover FBI agents, but they let me in without much questioning. Though one of the security men did ask who I was, I looked at him in a way which said, 'You idiot, don't you know who I am?' then tapped my badge hanging around my neck, which actually said 'Children's Field' on the reverse (I still have it in my 'man-drawer'). He gave me an embarrassed look and apologised, before letting me through. I managed to get through to the inner sanctum where Dylan and his band and entourage hung out. Dylan was sitting in a chair ignoring everyone. He was dressed in a black suit and I'm sure that he had a pair of green wellies on! His hair was curly and had obviously recently been dyed. I was shocked at how small and frail he looked, not at all how I had imagined him to be. I said hello to him, and he gave me the same look that I had just given to the security guard. He then just turned away from me as if I didn't exist. I called him a wanker and walked out, I can't stand anyone with a bigger ego than me!

My next hero was a completely different experience. I write poems, though whether you class my poetry as "poetry" is a matter for yourself. But my all-time favourite poet is one John Cooper Clarke. I even wrote a poem as a homage to him in 'The Spot on my Bum'. 'The Grass Of The Class' is supposed to be read in true Cooper Clarke style, complete with the Manchester accent.

John was performing in Batley, 'I'll tell you now and I'll tell you flatly, I ain't ever going to Batley!' a line from one of his poems. He stormed the evening, being more of a stand up than a poet, and he was brilliant. I caught up with him at the interval, where he was signing books. I just wanted to say hello really. I waited in line and let everyone with a CD or book to be signed to go first then I walked over and stuck out my hand and said, “pleased to meet you, I just want to say how I'm enjoying the night”. He replied, “Cheers, I'm fucking gagging for a drink, where's the bar?” We had a brief chat during which he made me feel as if I was an old friend of his. I tried not to gush, being such a fan, but he was so down to earth it was just like talking to one of my mates.

I think all so called stars should realise that without their fans they are just another guy with a guitar. So all would-be stars, be nice to all your fans: you may need every fan you can get at some stage of your career!  

Dancing to a Tibetan Nose Flute!

This week I was lucky enough to have a get-together with lots of cousins from the Irish side of my family. If you're reading this guys, hello, and get in touch.

I had not seen lots of these cousins for nearly twenty years: some, I hadn't seen for even longer. The reason reason for the get-together was that my cousin Marian's son, Mark, was marrying a girl from, of all places, Barnsley! I promise not to do any Barnsley jokes... no!

We had a wonderful night catching up, but the thing that amazed me the most was that Mark and lots of his siblings and friends were the entertainment for the night. They were fantastic musicians playing music from lots of different genres. The talent upon the stage was so good that the whole room clapped and sang and danced.

I know that I might be a little biased about this, but I do think that the Irish seem to be a nation that has a deep heritage of musical and lyrical talent. I love music in all its glory but, have never been much of a musician myself, although I might be able to put a feeble argument forward about my lyrical abilities. A night in a good Irish pub will be full of music and stories, as the Irish way of speaking is both lyrical and musical. Now I know that Ireland has more than its fair share of misery throughout the ages. I know that there are Irish bars that make you as welcome as a turd in a swimming pool! But good Irish bars are places where the Craic and the alcohol flow freely. The Craic, by the way, is pronounced 'Crack' but it means merriment, not an ultra-addictive drug!

Many years ago a friend and I tried to walk the width of Britain, but those damn pesky pubs kept on getting in our way. One night while walking through, I think, North Yorkshire, we stumbled upon a group of people all huddled around a camp fire. These people called us over to sit with them and gave us warm drinks, though I'm still not quite sure what it was that I was drinking. They were pleasant company; some may have described them as hippies back in those days, but they would probably be called new age travellers in a later decade. They started to tell some really bullshit stories about enlightenment which seemed to be herb-induced. Then one of the group, a tall skinny woman, started to play an instrument that I was not familiar with, and when she had finished, I was hoping never to be familiar with it again as long as I lived! It turned out to be a Tibetan nose-flute. The group swayed their heads from side to side as this boring monotoned instrument gave me a full frontal lobotomy, causing me to hate the musician playing it, though she had shown me nothing but kindness. The night was so boring that both my friend and I made our excuses and left their camp, even though we could have done with crashing there for a while.

A few nights later we had been halted on our trek by one of those pesky pubs again. The pub was warm and lively and there were a group of Irish students drinking in there. As with all Irish people they will start up a conversation with you if you're in talking distance to them. Because the group contained quite a few beautiful girls we were more than happy to chat. It turned out that they were a band that had been playing at a local folk festival. After more than a few drinks had been consumed by all, one of the group asked the landlord if they could play a few tunes, to which he happily agreed.

What happened next was one of those moments that we all have in life, a spontaneous moment in time that stays with you forever.

Four of the group produced Bodhrain drums. I never get the name of these drums correct, but you know the ones - ones that you hold in your hand and play with a little stick? As the drums beat out a fast driving rhythm the rest of the group stamped their feet in time with the drums. It was like being caught in the cross fire of machine-guns, though these guns didn't knock you off your feet, they made you rise to them. The hairs on the back of my neck stood to attention like guards on parade as the noise forced me to clap my hands like a mesmerised seal! Then what could only be described as a demon, a beautiful demon, rose to her feet. This bewitching enchantress played a fiddle, but the fiddle played at the same force and speed as the drums. This auburn-haired demon in a tee shirt and jeans had me reeling and clapping as if I had lost all my sense of reasoning (the beer may also have helped). Then, without warning, a young man with a shock of black hair and a beard that any Viking warrior would have been proud of, joined in with a tin whistle, quickly followed by another man with a recorder. This instrument is usually an instrument of torture used by seven year old children to play three blind mice over and over again until you have lost the will to live, but in his hands it was like the pipes of pan!

The evening turned to the night then turned to the early hours. This night also finished our attempt at walking the width of Britain, owing to the mother of all hangovers, that neither my friend or I could get over. But the contrast between the Irish idea of a night out and the little English camp was as if they were from two different planets. The night with lots of my cousins the other evening made me realise just how lucky I am to have such a colourful wonderful heritage.

What God Wants, God Gets!

I have tried to steer away from the mind-numbingly dull subject of religion of late in this blog, but the cave men had a day out again today.

The news of the attack in London today was so sad, for everyone concerned, even the cavemen that perpetrated the act! There has to be a point, when you have a belief system, when you must question it. I think when you find yourself driving down a pavement at speed and mowing down screaming school children as they try to flee, that has to be the time.

I am running a project here in my local town of Huddersfield at the moment. The guys who call into the project are from all walks of life and of all different abilities, which is why I love working there. We have a group of young Iranian guys attending at the moment and they don't speak any English, but they are still wonderful company. We all laugh as we try to communicate through the great god of misinformation, Google! There are guys who call in just to help and pass on skills, whereas others just want a place to be safe and enjoy some company, all are welcome.

One of the guys who comes down, Ali, is a devout Muslim, I mean devout. But having said this, I don't recognise his version of Islam from the one that the cavemen want us to see. He is a gentle, witty, charming man whose company I really enjoy. He knows my views on religion and it makes no difference to him at all, “ You are a son of God, and my friend” he always says. There's no malice, no silly clothing, no preaching, just warm friendship. So what kind of Islam were the cavemen studying, where was the love and tolerance that Ali insists is the basis of Islam? The problem is, as usual, politics.

Most of the Islamic world abolished slavery decades before we did here in the west. Egypt was one of the most secular countries in the world until the nineteen twenties. Most Islamic nations welcomed discussion about faith and belief and were happy to talk to other religions. I'm afraid that the puppet masters are always looking for something to unite people in hate behind. Whether it be race, religion or nationalism! Once you are united under their banner they can manipulate and twist facts until people are blinded by hate. The whole of the Islamic world was decimated by the rise of this kind of politics. Forward-thinking countries that were developing well became third world backwaters, just like Pol Pot did with Cambodia. The cavemen that have done the heinous acts today would be happier if we all lived in caves praising a sky full of empty promises!

The same techniques have been used in the Christian world. Just look at America and its bizarre Bible belt. Also we have Northern Ireland, where neighbours killed each other because of a juvenile belief system. Again the troubles in Northern Ireland were also political, but it was easier to have sectarianism to control the people. Some of the bombers of the seventies and eighties must have been able to see the scene of their targets when the set the bombs off, so they too knew there were children about! By the way; killing anyone, man, woman or child is wrong, its just that. I cannot understand a person that could harm a child for whatever reason.

So when we criticise a religion for spawning such imbeciles, as I certainly will be doing, we also must stop and think about people like my friend Ali and the countless other Muslims that live and worship like him. Who believe that all humans are brothers. Also all the hate-mongers mustn't think of all Christians as war merchants I know lots of people that are working hard to find homes for Syrian refugees. I know lots of Christians like my father, who donated a large part of their wages to help people in the developing world (whatever that means) to have a better life.

Remember, what God wants, God gets, and even if your God doesn't want it, he will still get it! The hate preachers will see to that!  

They're Back! (To Avenge Their Mutters and Farters!)

I wrote some time ago about how our house had become a time-share for the local rodent population. I also wrote about how my normally mild-mannered wife turned into Hannibal Lecter's evil cousin and bought up the entire stock of poisons within a thirty mile radius of our house to kill them. I also mentioned that they may come back with nano-Uzi's, all terminator-style, to avenge their loved ones. Well, it seems to have happened (maybe without the Uzi's, though).

I think they may have heard of my wife's reputation as a rodent slayer, because by the look of the mess in our pan cupboard they were shitting themselves. It was everywhere! So the strange blue poison which the mice don't seem to be able to get enough of has resurfaced, and this time it's personal.

Strangely, when I realised that we had the little critters again last night I received a text from my son who was staying at a friend's chalet on the Yorkshire coast. He was asking if I knew a hotel nearby to where he was, for them to stay in. I asked him if he was staying in the chalet, and he replied, “No, it's infested with mice! Kim and Harleigh want out, now!

I have never understood the irrational fear that people have of mice, I would prefer that they chose somewhere else to live, like 10 Downing Street, rather than my house, but I don't mind them that much. But I do wish they would go outside to take a dump, instead of in my cupboards.

In other countries they don't want mice for all the right reasons. They attract predators. Now, here in Huddersfield, a predator is a cat or a fox or a middle-aged man with a medallion fixation. But in countries such as Australia they tend to be venomous snakes, I would much rather be confronted with an ickle mouse than a brown snake! (That's not a euphemism, it's actually a highly venomous snake!)

Snakes have a habit of not being noticed until you either tread on them or put your hand on them.

Someone once told me that they had an infestation of ghosts in their house! I don't think the collective noun for ghosts in an infestation: maybe a spook of ghosts, or a spirit. I think I prefer a non-existent as that sums them up best. THERE'S NO SUCH THING!

I was also told once by some one that had travelled and trekked most of the world about how they were once confronted with an infestation of ants in their tent. We don't realise how bad ants can be here in England. We only have the kind that like to nibble on our jam sandwiches while we're picnicking, but these ants were bullet ants, which can cause excruciating pain with just one bite! Some tribes actually use them as an initiating ceremony for their young men. I prefer the Tequila slammers ceremony for an initiation, myself!

Finally the world of politics seems to have a strange infestation, these days: a swarm of idiots, or "politicians" as they are otherwise known.

Turning To The Dark Side

With the exception of a brief fling with the Labour party in the early 'eighties, I have never really aligned myself with any other political, social or religious bodies. I know what I think about all these subjects and I would like to think my opinions are based on reading and many discussions with people of all different opinions. I check out any information and who the source is, and I don't take anything on face value.

Many years ago, I read a very interesting article about patients that have died briefly on the operating table. The surgeons, as always, battled on and saved the lives of these people. The strange thing was that lots of these people told the surgeons what had happened while they were battling to save their lives. They spoke of an inner calm as they rose above their own bodies and looked down, peacefully at the scene below. One of the surgeons thought that this couldn't possibly be true so he put a series of strange objects on the top of cupboards in the operating theatres. When he later asked the people who claimed to have experienced the out-of-body experiences if they saw anything odd as they floated above the operating table they said yes, then revealed the objects the surgeon had hidden.

When I first read this I thought it both fascinating and scary. Fascinating, because it proved the existence of an afterlife, and scary for the same reason. This would mean that for most of my life I had been wrong about us mortals not being more than an accident of nature and that there was a higher purpose and, dare I say it, a higher being! So I decided to find out as much as possible about this study.

To be honest, it took me all of five minutes to discover that this study was what proper scientists would call "a load of bollocks"! On looking up who they study was by, and who had paid for it, I found it was done in America (where else?) by the Institute of Christian Scientists! Paid for by an evangelical church. I didn't bother reading on, as the words "square peg" and "round hole" sprang to mind. The same study has been done by countless other surgeons around the world since, and yet nothing, zilch. Maybe they were using the wrong objects or maybe they weren't talking about the objects they had hidden as the patients were coming round: who knows?

The reason I'm saying all this is because when I was a child and heard about world war II I couldn't believe that normal happy people could buy into the shit that the Nazis propaganda machine spewed out. How could they buy into such inane yet deadly babble? Then I thought, well, at least we have now moved on as a species and would no longer tolerate such nonsensical bile. How wrong I was!

Take Brexit as an example. For me the EU was,  as far as I'm concerned, an economic argument, nothing else. You cannot argue against a free trade agreement unless there are unnatural tariffs tagged on to them or unless you have had a full frontal labotomy. When the 'Common Market' as it was first known came into being, it was a good idea for a country and its neighbours to join together in free trade. But behind the scenes this was not what the idea was about as Tony Benn passionately pointed out at the time. It was always about building a federal Europe and that is what is happening now. Lots of the smaller countries like Malta have done very well out of the EU as they rely on tourism for most of their economy so they have borrowed a little to improve the infrastructure, and free movement complements their tourism industry. But for countries such as Spain or Greece which also have large tourism industries, it has been disastrous, because though they have built up their infrastructures they also have massive economies with lots being paid out but nothing coming in, causing high unemployment.

Because other countries have a veto, they all stop each other from developing, because it wouldn't be in their interest. There will come a time when it will all just stagnate unless it can be reformulated, which won't happen, because people will veto it!

So with all this in mind why have idiots started to blame eastern European immigrants here in Britain for all our problems? Why are their houses being attacked and they also seem to be the victims of mindless violence? Economic problems are caused by political ideologies, not by minorities, unless you call the government a minority? Political differences should be sorted by us putting a piece of paper in a box, not by us putting humans in a box! Vote against those that do so little that are to blame: don't blame those that have so little that are innocent!.

But the real reason for this blog was because the great comb-over in the White House said something this week that made my blood run cold, something that genuinely chilled me, because I had heard a different version of this phrase somewhere else, many years ago.

When the high courts in America quite rightly pointed out to top Trump that his policy of hate against Muslims, which his travel ban was, was illegal and unconstitutional, he responded by saying, “I'm just trying to protect the homeland”. Sound familiar? Substitute Fatherland for Homeland.

Fake News!

I have been watching with quite some amusement the inauguration of his highness the grand duke of Trumpton. As a statesman, this man is beyond belief, he and his brother from a different mothers. He and Boris the no-brain shouldn't be let out without chaperones in case they talk to strangers.

Trump has been accused of many things, which I personally wouldn't argue against. They may or may not be true, but he seems capable of all the accusations. When he and his team argued about the size of the crowd at his inauguration he dismissed claims that the crowd were only a fraction of the crowd that turned up for Obama by saying he had alternative facts!

History, it is said, is written by the victors. This of course is true, which makes history interesting. The reason it makes it interesting is because it takes a lot of detective work to find out certain things, but even then you cannot call them facts. Only full physical proof can make a claim a fact. Take our car park King, Ricky 3; he was claimed to be a hunchback by one William Shakespeare, and paintings of him also had him as a hunchback, though they were shown to have been altered. When his skeleton was discovered in a car park in Leicester it was found that he did have a twisted spine, but he would have appeared quite normal with his clothes on, and there was no sign of a hump. So after hundreds of years we can now say that Richard the third was not a hunchback, fact!, And that is yet more proof that history is written by the victors.

So for the benefit of Trumpton, let me explain: you can have a lie, an opinion, and a fact, that's it. If it didn't happen, to say it did is a lie. If it did happen but you can have an opinion on why and how it happened, it happened - that's it! You cannot have an alternative fact. A fact is a fact: that's it. An alternative fact is called a lie. Just what was the country doing voting in this man, who has nothing but his own self-interest at heart? Why do you think he got out of the car to talk to the crowds on Friday? Was it his love of the people or the fact he chose to get out of the car right outside the Trump building with the world's press on him.

As for women protesting against him because of his views on women, why didn't they do that when he was running for presidency? Why don't they march against the world's religions, because of their views on women and their treatment of women? Why didn't they vote for the woman that was running for president? 52% of women voted for him! It has become fashionable to protest against the great combover but, as with Brexit, don't bang on about democracy then start screaming that you want a recount when the vote goes against you. Fight to be heard before the vote!

Fake news is not a modern invention. We have always had it. Why do you think we went into the Gulf war? Do you think Boris the bully really stood aside after the Brexit vote for the good of the country, or could it be he expects Theresa May (or may not) will be pilloried when we leave the EU, and then he can step in like an arse in shining armour. We have been, and always will be, fed a diet of crap when it comes to politics. The truth is there are always someone's interests to look out for, but you can guarantee they will not be yours!

But there is some fake news that I enjoy. I do like harmless pranks played on the press and public. The broadcaster Stuart Maconie, while working for the music paper the NME, once wrote a page giving odd facts about certain bits of the industry. For a laugh one day he wrote that Bob Holness, the presenter of the popular children's show, Block Buster, was the saxophonist on Gerry Rafferty's classic song, Baker Street. 

For some reason this snippet of fake news caught the imagination of the public, who chose to believe it without question. Rafferty himself once said that he was called a liar by a man in a bar who had told him this piece of Maconie propaganda. Rafferty told him it was an urban myth, only for the man to denounce him as a fool. But who's to say that even this story is true?

Meaningless Drivel

I have written before about things people say that make no sense at all, but we accept these phrases without question. Lots of the more inane sugar-coated types of sayings are happily embraced by certain people, my wife being one of them.

She often asks me to write poems for birthday cards for her friends, with me being a poet type and all. The problem is I write about things that I find funny or things I think others may find funny, but I don't do sentiment. With this in mind, I write poems for her but I make them so sickly sweet that anybody with any sense would see the joke... two of my wife's friends cried with real tears of emotion when reading the poems, thinking them to be so lovely! I must be writing the wrong type of poems, maybe I should switch to verses for cards?

My son and his partner (his Partner) bought my wife what looks like a wooden box with a glass front on it for Christmas. Inside this sealed box is what can only be described as cotton wool, on the front is a sickly sweet sentiment. This sentiment is the most inane thing I have ever read, but no one else seems to have noticed. When I point it out to people they call me the usual stuff, Grinch, moaning old git etc. Everyone except me seems to think it's a lovely sentiment but it just makes no sense to me.

Because someone we love is in Heaven,

There's a little bit of Heaven in our home.

For once I'm not going down the road of no such place as Heaven which, to be honest, is another valid argument, I'm looking at this from the "what a load of bollocks" point of view!

Now let's, for a moment, shut off our brains and agree that there's a Heaven where your loving Gods sends you once they've killed you. The sentiment is still meaningless! If this was to be true then you could just as well say.

Because someone we know is in Batley,

There's a little bit of Batley in our home.

My wife also has a plaque made from pot (clay, not cannabis) which she infuriatingly hangs from one of the wardrobe doors. This thing swings and bangs about each time the door is opened - it is only a matter of time before it breaks and I get the blame! The plaque was given to her by a close friend of hers, this plaque is in the shape of a heart and bears the motif,

Friends are the family you don't have!

I find this strange because most people think,

Family are the friends you don't want!

Is that too much? Have I gone to far? No I haven't - it's just inane nonsense which resonates with people at certain times in their lives. But there are other stupid sayings, such as in the Batman film when the caped crusader looks at the camera and says, in a menacing tone,

To overcome fear you must first become fear!

I may not have quoted it word for word, but that was about it. With that in mind you could also use this logic for lots of things such as,

To overcome flatulence you must first become flatulence!

Who ever wrote that line hadn't really thought it through. But then the Batman franchise, as entertaining as it is, doesn't claim anything only an hour and a half of escapism.

These phrases are just harmless mindless drivel but there is a piece of drivel I have seen written and been quoted many times which is dangerous and stupid,

Guns don't kill people, people kill people!

Yes, usually with a gun, you moron! This is one of the gun lobby's ways of trying to say that guns are safe. Then why do we use them to kill things? When was the last time you heard someone say, “I'm taking up flower arranging. I must buy myself a gun!” Guns are designed to kill, that is the sole purpose of a gun. What about when guns have fallen over and fired a shot, killing someone? Or what about when small children find their parents' guns and play with them? Why don't they try this slogan,

If guns don't kill, then what's their purpose?

Like I say, some people just don't think things through before they speak!

The Madonna and the Hyenas

I have written many times before about what a lucky little bunny I have been in life. To be honest I don't really deserve the happiness I have surrounding me in my life, but I'm thankful for it.

I could, if truth be known, just wrap myself up in the comfort of my semi-detached suburbia and live in blissful ignorance of the daily suffering people endure. But unfortunately I seem to be under the delusion that I can make a difference to people's lives. So I seem to be compelled, like some missionary lemming, to work within the community, I think I'm more of an hindrance than  a help to people who really do make a difference.

The thing about working with people from all walks of life is that you encounter some really wonderful people. These people have usually overcome great obstacles in their own lives only to use their knowledge to help others. I get to meet people who are on various stages of their life journey; some are recovering from something while others are trying to come to terms with recent news, and of course, I get to meet lots of people in denial. I have no right to judge or pass comment on any of these people as we have all found ourselves in situations where we can't understand just how we arrived there.

Last week I was invited to a Christmas lunch put on by the manager of a local pub (bar). The meal was free and I was with a group of people who are themselves on a life journey trying to overcome lots of things that life can throw at you. I have to say that these men were fantastic company; happy, witty and not a trace of malice or bitterness about the situation they were in. Rather than this free lunch being some cynical marketing ploy or a tax dodge, it was given from the heart. The lady who managed the pub had herself received dreadful news that a young member of her family had been diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer. Rather than withdraw, which I think I may have done in her situation, she went out fund raising to try bring happiness into her community. I have to say that this lady bent over backwards to make the lunch such a special occasion all she asked in return was a photograph with the group for her memory box. A true Madonna (Lady).

Also this week while walking through my local town centre I noticed lots of young men in various fancy dress shouting and swearing at the top of their voices, which suggested that the annual silly season is upon us again. Every Christmas people have works' Christmas parties where too much is drunk and too much is said. Every year there are people who shuffle back into work to sheepishly apologise to other colleagues or even the boss for their behaviour. There are people who cringe at the memory of the brief but passionate fling with the butch girl from despatch or the the women who have a hazy recollection of a snog with the guy with terminal halitosis from the warehouse.

As I watched these lads walk through town one of them said something to another lad within his group which resulted in him being punched in the face. Of course all hell broke loose and a major fight broke out with people who, up until fifteen minutes previously had been all good friends. The fight was witnessed by people with small children, it was mid afternoon on a busy shopping day. There was fists and feet flying swearing and shouting. Some of the group sat bloodied and dazed as the wails of police sirens could be heard, this at a time which is supposed to be about peace and goodwill. Children cried and shoppers reprimanded the idiots.

It's strange that an event such as Christmas can bring out such different emotions in people, those who want to help and those who want to selfishly over-indulge. I know that we all over-indulge at Christmas when it comes to feasting, but it's how we react with others that's important. Which brings me back to the beginning. I realise that I have everything I need in life, I'm loved by the people who matter and live a life of my choice. There are lots of people out there, not only this Christmas but the whole year round, who don't have any of the things which I have in the past taken for granted. I don't want this posting to end with a sickly sweet sentiment or my usual cynical bite at life, I just want people to remember that here are lots of hyenas out there, destroying lives. These come in many forms - remember, pack mentality starts a hunt and a hunt always ends in death. But where's there's Ying there must also be Yang and there are also lots of good people out there, people who devote their whole lives to make a difference to others. They are not as visible as the hyenas, but you should thank your God that they exist!

Then I Touched Her Perfect Body With My Mind

In the mid 'seventies I was a feral teenager, I had no rules except to survive and enjoy. I had little or no regard for anyone except my Nonna and did very much as I pleased. My wife claims that not much has changed.

One evening my brother John and I ended up in a tacky night club. I seem to remember all night clubs being quite tacky back in the 'seventies. I think it's safe to say that we had both drunk far too much and, like all teenagers under the influence of drink, we became immortal and incredibly attractive to the opposite sex. These two beliefs often had me visiting the local A&E and suffering a deflated ego. But this evening would be different, as we had met two girls. These girls were different to any other girls I knew at the time. No they didn't have any extra man bits, it was the way they dressed and spoke. They were not conventional for the time, and they laughed and mocked both my brother and I but they did it in a playful warm way.

The funny thing about personalities is how quickly we form an opinion about people when we first meet them. Of course our assumptions are often way off the mark, but we have to make snap decisions - this is how we function. The other thing is how amazing it is the way we gravitate to certain people, this particular evening I sat with one of the girls and started chatting while my brother chatted to the other. This wasn't a conscious decision; we just all sat feeling very comfortable with each other. The night was a success and we agreed to meet again, though next time as two separate couples. The girl I was with was baby sitting for a friend that week who had to work late, so she asked if I would like to call up and sit in with her. I didn't hear the words "call up and sit in with me", my mind heard "why not have sex with me on Thursday?" so I eagerly agreed to meet up.

I planned my night of seduction very carefully, which meant I had a bath and changed my socks. I took my favourite album at the time with me, which was Tubular Bells by Mike Oldfield. This for me was late night music that was bound to loosen the tightest of knickers. I had all the seduction qualities of a rutting ox. I knew that it was only a matter of time before this poor hapless girl would swoon under my enormous charm and charisma, not to mention Brut aftershave. How could I fail?

The girl met me off the bus. She was dressed as if she was a country squire, with a tweed hacking jacket and jodhpurs. I had really never encountered anyone like this on my council estate. She was very witty and had an instantly recognisable voice. It was educated, with a hint of vulnerability, and very attractive to me. We walked up to the house where we were to babysit and we laughed and chatted. She asked about my album that I had firmly clutched beneath my arm. I thought I would educate her about music but she just smiled in a way that said the album has had its time, move on. She was, of course, correct; the album was about three years old by then.

We walked on up to the house, which was an old weavers' cottage, the sort that dotted the outlying areas of Huddersfield at the time, the same ones that are now modernised to such an extent that they are no longer recognisable. Her friend was a few years older than her, and was very attractive and welcomed me in a way I was not used to. She hugged me and gave me a kiss. I only got this from the Italian side of my family, not from strangers here in Yorkshire.

When her friend had left to go to work and the children were in bed asleep we turned the lights down low and with a warm drink sat in front of a large coal fire with its flames brightly dancing seemingly trying to escape up the chimney. I put Tubular Bells on the record player but instead of it having the desired effect of making her fall at my feet helpless to my commands she just sat there and chatted, just every now and then she would lean forward and gently kiss me. I was confused - this is not how seduction works! Surely you listen to my album, take off all your clothes, I then have sex with you and then catch the next bus home. I was a man of the world, damn you! 

I was in uncharted territory but hadn't yet worked it out. I wasn't the one doing the seduction! We listened to the whole album and if I'm honest I was bored of listening to it by the time it had finished. In the quiet of the room by the glow of the fire I could see her smile as she leaned forward and gently stroked my hair. Back then, I sported a full luxurious head of shoulder length hair. She again kissed me then whispered, “Have you ever heard of Leonard Cohen?”

Scared she might be suggesting a threesome I retorted, “ No, is it disco crap?” Destroying a beautiful moment. She smiled and said, “No, but it might take a bit of getting into for you.” I can't stand presumptions, especially if they are aimed at me! “Put it on then,” I said. With those words I didn't realise that something in me would change for the rest of my life.

As the needle gently rested on to the record the girl moved over to me and pet her arms around my waist and kissed me with a passion I had not encountered before. The music played, it was a low rhythmic voice the music strummed along in a hypnotic repetitive call, it calmed me it relaxed me then the voice spoke to me. This was not mindless formulaic chatter of 'seventies pop, this was the cry of a man that had suffered, a man that had loved and lost. He was bearing his soul by doing this he was bringing mine alive. I was transfixed with the music and the voice. The girl slowly took off my shirt kissing my body. As she did, I too slowly took off her top, kissing her in return. This was no longer having sex, this had become making love. I had never encountered an experience like this in my life. The music by now filled the room I was aware of every word that was being said by this incredible man but it was as if it was being spoken directly to me, and he knew how I felt deep inside, I didn't need the hard man image.

We both lay semi naked on the floor in front of the large imposing fire, our bodies entwined. We moved slowly and rhythmically, kissing and caressing as the next song played he spoke a line which even now resonates with me every time I hear it. As the girl and I kissed she stopped for just a moment and looked at me and smiled gently and the song said, “Then I touched her perfect body with my mind.”

I knew what he meant. I just knew, at that precise moment, that is what I was doing, I had been seduced, not only by an attractive and clever eighteen year old girl, but by a middle aged Jewish Canadian poet. His words, his voice, this was true seduction.

Both the girl and I spent the rest of the evening in love, it was a moment of magic we all have had them in our lives My love for the words and music of Leonard Cohen has never diminished, whereas the love for the girl did. Though she altered my way of thinking about making love and seduction, she couldn't alter my stubborn arrogance, and we split after a year or so. I have not mentioned her name as she has a family now and it wouldn't be fair to her but is she reads this she will, I'm sure, laugh at the thought of that evening.

When I heard the news that Leonard had died this week I was so sad. Those of us that purport to be poets know we are just scribblers when we hear his words. I make a living from my words but I'm just a pretender, an upstart who had no right to call himself a poet, when a master can reach such an ill educated disaffected yob such as I was back then.

By the way my brother's date fared a little better than mine. He and his date that night have been together now for nearly forty years.

RIP, the wonderful Leonard Cohen. A true genius.