I have
been married for so long now, that if my wife and I were buildings, we
would surely qualify for listed status! I have noticed over the years
that the food we buy is becoming more and more toxic to me. Don't get
me wrong: as far as I know, my wife isn't trying to cash in the
insurance policy yet, though you never know! It's just that our
fridge and cupboards are becoming stocked with more and more semi-skimmed or fat-free products!
The phrase 'semi-skimmed' is another way of saying 'flavour removed'. Fat-free
means 'added sugar'. They are all a con, trust me. If you buy Weight
Watchers bread, it states that it has fewer calories in than other
loaves. This is, of course, true, but do you know what little bit of
magic they do to make the bread less calorific? They make smaller
slices! Not only do they give you less bread but they charge you more
for the luxury of being conned.
Since
my wife decided that we should buy over-priced, second rate food, she
has started to frown about my liking for cooked breakfasts and pies!
She has even gone as far as to suggest that we buy vegetarian bacon!
This is like suggesting to Nigel Kennedy that he should pack in the
violin and take up the stylophone! The only man that was famous for
playing the stylophone is now in prison. It started with a harmless
tune on an electric instrument, and led to paedophilia! So can you
imagine to what depravities I could sink if I were to be force-fed
'VEGETARIAN BACON?' She also thinks that pies are the work of the
devil! If there were a devil, then surely he would be trying to stop
people from enjoying the splendour and beauty of a pork or steak pie?
I do admit that there are some dodgy pies out there, some that have
unidentifiable meat products in them, or others that are... FAT FREE!
I only
eat pies a couple of times a month, so to stop me from this little bit
of enjoyment is tantamount to cruelty! To leave me devoid of pies
surely is against the Human Rights Act? But we must ask why my wife
is so keen that I substitute one type of unhealthy food for another?
It's because she's under the mistaken belief that by following health
fads that are usually promoted by unscrupulous multi nationals, this will
somehow make me live longer, though the reason she wants me to live longer
is open to suggestions!
I don't
want to bore you any more about my sports: suffice to say that I have
been a semi-professional athlete in the past. I still train regularly
and I'm quite knowledgable about all types of diets. The only way to
keep healthy is to eat a varied diet, eat little and often, and work out:
that's it! I don't care who said what diet does what, it is just a
short-term fix. Lots of veg, a little white meat and plenty of fish
is the best diet. You need fat, and carbs to live a healthy life. I
don't care who says this is not, it is true! You don't need any
processed food, and eating things such as a full English breakfast or
a pie from time to time is fine, just don't make them the focal point
of your diet.
The
problem with lots of people is that they will do anything to lose
weight, and I mean anything, from consuming poisons to eating tape
worms. They will take tablets bought off the internet, yes they will
do anything... except eat properly and exercise. The study of foods
and their effects is a relatively new science, and new things are
discovered all the time. Having said this, people in the Mediterranean
and Japan have always lived long lives, there is a reason for this -
their food and lifestyles.
Olive
oil has been proven to be very beneficial to people's health. It was
thought that it was because it is a mono saturated fat, but when
trials were performed using rapeseed oil, another mono saturated fat,
it had no benefits at all. So scientists are still none the wiser about just
what it is in olive oil that is so good for us. Trials have proven
that taking just a tablespoon of olive oil a day is enough to help
you lose weight. But you still have to eat healthily, and this doesn't
mean living off raw veg, or salads! Eat what you want, just in small
portions. Remember that you need fat in your diet - it's actually very
important.
We all
have a taste for things that are our downfall, mine is salted
peanuts, I'm sure they put heroin in them! Once I start eating them,
I just can't stop! Luckily for me I don't have a sweet tooth, but I
do like a lot of the Italian desserts. I just don't eat them that
often.
So, to
my wife and others who try to convince me of their fad diets, in the
words of Bart Simpson, “eat my shorts!”
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