Smell You Later

Some people see the world, while some hear the world. Me, I seem to smell the world!

After that statement, I feel like I need to distance myself from any weird fetishes. I mean in the sense of how I experience the world around me. (Phew! I think I've managed to draw attention away from my weird fetish!)

There are smells I love and, of course, where you have ying you must have yang, so there are smells that I hate.

Firstly, who said that perfume was a pleasant aroma? I've yet to experience one that I actually like! Also, while I'm on the subject of smells we should like, who said that peppermint and spearmint are the best breath fresheners? I know that traditionally they were taken as digestifs, so it was a smell that people were used to. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with them, it's just that we use them without exception as breath fresheners.

I also don't mind the smell of garlic, but this has the same effect on my wife as it does on vampires! The best smell in the world has to be freshly-baked bread! I used to awake to this smell at my grandparents' house when I was young, it was so comforting.

If you're a vegetarian, cover your eyes now! I love the smell of bacon cooking for breakfast; for me, the smell of freshly-baked bread coupled with sizzling bacon is a thing of dreams, first thing in the morning. And instead of the overpowering perfumes that people, use I prefer fresh linseed Putty! It's a smell young people wont be familiar with, because of the horrible plastic double glazing we all have now. When I worked as a joiner on the building sites and we were putting windows in properties I used to rub the putty on my clothes, I loved the smell so much.

The smells I have problems with are vinegar and anything with vinegar in it. The worst of these by far is salad cream! If you eat this pungent cat vomit you have lost all sense of taste and reasoning!

When I was first married I came home from work one evening to find to my horror that my wife had purchased a bottle of this evil gargoyle milk (I'm not being over-dramatic, it really is, read the small print on the label. Gargoyles are being abused on a daily basis!)

I had no choice but to remove the offending bottle of bile, so I donned a pair of oven gloves just in case any of this corrosive substance was to touch my skin. Then with a towel tied firmly around my mouth and nose to remove any smell, I picked up the bottle at arms' length and threw it in the next door neighbours bin!(I didn't want to contaminate mine!)

For years, my wife couldn't work out where the salad cream she kept on buying was disappearing to, and the next door neighbour couldn't work out why full bottles of salad cream kept on appearing in their bin!

I finally owned up to my hate of this substance to which my wife replied, “For God's sake, why didn't you just say in the first place, and I wouldn't have bought any!” I never thought of that!

The other smell I hate is one that we are all familiar with but you wouldn't think so the way we all react to it, DOG SHIT! That's the smell, not me shouting a random insult at you.

These evil little parcels have a way of camouflaging themselves from watchful eyes and unwary feet! When you tread on one all you have to do is remove your shoe and wipe off most of it then wash the shoe thoroughly under the nearest tap. We all know this, right?! Then why do you first inform every person in a two mile radius what you have just done before removing your shoe and smelling the obnoxious little lump of hate? Are you expecting it to be the first piece of dog shit in history that smells of roses? Why are you so surprised and recoil in horror when this lump of dog shit, which is the same size colour and texture of every other lump of dog shit you have seen, smells like dog shit?

You then feel it necessary to ask others to confirm your suspicions, and ask them to smell what looks like and smells like and if you are depraved enough, tastes like DOG SHIT! To confirm that it is the offending material, and not some yet unknown substance that has the same qualities. What's worse is complete strangers will smell it for you, then recoil in horror before confirming what you already knew!

But for me the worst smell in the world is one that most people seem to be immune to. They smell it each and every day and ignore it, even though it can have devastating consequences on their lives. You don't step in it, you walk into it. You don't put it on, it is sprayed at you all day and you don't eat it because it is fed to you neat, the worst smell is BULLSHIT! Yes, people: from the grinning politicians to the adverts on TV, you are fed it daily. It is everywhere, and most are so used to the smell they are totally unaware of it, as it impregnates their lives. Like human pooper-scoopers they pick it up and take it home with them.

While I like to think that I can smell bullshit a mile off, I have no doubt trod in it a few times. But if I realise what I have done I always make the offender pick it up and take it back!

Oh no! What's that on the bottom of my shoe?.. here have a smell, what do you think it is?