Inaccurate Histories 2: Fashion

The celebrated professor Noah Ideeas, of North Dewsbury University, has done it again! But the police couldn’t prove anything, so they let him go, to announce his new startling evidence, that he has uncovered on the internet.

We like to think of the fashion industry as a new invention, but the professor has proof that the industry as we know it started over a thousand years ago by one ‘William Le B’stard’

He was the toast of France with his new look chain mail and shiny helmet combos. But across the channel in England, things were so different; men had big helmets and moustaches.

This crime against fashion enraged William, “That’s so 1050’s darling” he would say, so he set off over the channel to introduce his new line.

He was due to put on his first catwalk show in a little town called Hastings, but the locals were on strike, owing to the sardine shortage, caused by the lack of little metal keys for the cans. So the show was moved up the road, to a village called ’Battle’

The show showed off William's clothing range with such devastating effect that the local designers didn’t stand a chance. Violet Sarchy known as Vi Sarchy said, “when he turned up on the catwalk with horses we knew this was over for us. It so new and daring, I nearly cried, now we shall all have to rethink our ideas.

But the leading designer in England at the time was one Harold Ashley (Laura to his friends) who couldn’t accept the new fashion, saying, “Gowns should be long and flowing not short and shiny!” But William gloated later saying, “That was one in the eye for Harold!”

The clothing became known as "the clothes from over the channel", later shortened to "Chanel".

In the early nineteen hundreds a young entrepreneur from Barnsley called Manny Thomas heard about a clog shortage in Milan, Italy. He set off with his two brothers, Carlos and Mustapha (they may have had different fathers) to make his fortune.

Manny’s clogs were slow to catch on, because of the dress sense of the people of Milan; it just didn’t go with clogs. So Manny had an idea; he sent a letter to his cousin Sinbad Parkinson (his father was a sailor) who worked for the local Co-op funeral parlour. 

Manny reckoned that the deceased would no longer need their suits, so he asked for them to be stripped and sent over to Milan. It wasn’t long before the dead man's suits and flash clog combo caught on with the more discerning men of Milan and became a hit.

With his two brothers as salesmen, the company grew, but the habit of the brothers of referring to Manny as ‘Our Manny’   when making sales confused the locals. They thought it was the name of the clothing, so with the strong Italian accents they pronounced it as "Armani", and that is what the clothing range became known as today.

The professor says he doesn’t know what happened to the brands Chanel and Armani, but if they were still around now he is sure they could teach modern designers a thing or two.

Other academics have ridiculed the professor's findings but he stands firm, saying he has proof: “It’s all there on the internet!”