I don't
want you to think that my evil twin is the sort that kills or maims.
Neither is it the sort that cons people out of their money or
property. My evil twin exists solely to annoy the hell out of people.
My evil twin, or Dave, as I prefer to call him, usually surfaces when
faced with pomposity, or when I have been told in no uncertain
circumstances that I must not do something. He just won't listen to
these people.
It is
not always pompous jobsworths that suffer his wrath, as my wife
unfortunately also seems to be a regular victim of his. I think it's
because she reacts badly to him. While walking down a road side by
side with my wife, if she is in deep conversation with me, Dave likes
to make me stop dead in my tracks, leaving my wife to walk on,
seemingly talking to herself. Or he may make me quickly move to the
other side of her while she talks. Both these make her very angry
when he makes me do them. He also rejoices in making me remove
supporting struts from sun loungers, causing them to fold up on her
when she lies on them! These are some of the usual things that he
makes me do. One of his favourite things is to get me to
scream, “ARGH! IT'S A WAGON! I CAN'T STOP!” when we are driving in
the car and she has fallen to sleep in the seat at the side of me.
But I
don't always give in to him. Many years ago, I visited a primary
school in Leicester. I decided to play a trick on the kids for a
laugh. I did the old deadly spider trick where you bend a hair grip
and stretch an elastic band with a button threaded through the centre
over it. You then wind up the button and place it in an envelope. You
then tell your victim that there's a venomous spider in the envelope
but not to worry because it's dead. You then ask them if they would
like to have a look, most people will have a peak. As soon as they
open the envelope the button unwinds at an alarming rate making a
vibrating sound which usually scares the life out of your chosen
victim. This particular day, I had three hundred young children sat in
front of me in a packed school hall. I told the kids that in the
envelope I had a dead funnel web spider that was able to kill people
instantly with one bite but not to worry because it was dead. I then
told them that I was scared to open the envelope so was anyone there
brave enough to do this for me. One you lad walked up to the front
and bravely opened the envelope. The resulting vibrating sound caused
by the button unwinding cause the young man to throw the envelope
away... directly into the centre of the hall where all the other
children were sat! This resulted in a mass exodus of screaming
children from the hall, some were trampled underfoot, teachers were
trodden on and nothing could stop the terrified fleeing children as
they ran like crazed lemmings in all directions. I was asked to leave
the school immediately.
I now
know that it was quite a stupid thing to do, and I swore that I would
never do anything so stupid again, but... now and then, in unguarded
moments, I think about this event and burst out laughing, then Dave
suggests that it might be fun to do it again sometime. I have, so
far, resisted.
I once
made some fruit smoothies for a few friends after we had been out for
the day. We were all chatting away and noticed that one of the group,
a good friend of mine, was ignoring what was going on about him and
kept on texting someone, which started to irritate me for some reason.
Dave suggested that this person likes to brag that no curry is too hot
for him, so wouldn't it be fun to put this to the test, after all I
had a couple of birds eye chillies going spare, what harm could they
do if they were blended up with his drink?
The
only problem was that sometimes pranks can hit unforeseen
circumstances. He kept on texting, ignoring his 'smoothie' and the rest of
the group had finished theirs. His partner had enjoyed my blend
of fruits, and, being quite thirsty, asked him if he was going to drink
his drink, to which he replied, “Drink it if you want!” The whole
of my world went into slow motion as she picked up the glass. My
normal caring side made an attempt to stop her from drinking the
offensive cocktail, but Dave stopped me from getting to her in time,
and she downed the whole glass in one! I had never seen anyone scream
and projectile vomit at the same time, it was quite a new experience
for me. What made it worse was my friend full of concern asked her,
“What's up with you, you silly cow?” The following smack he
received across his face registered on the Richter scale. This couple,
I'm sure you won't be surprised to know, are no longer together. I
still see my friend on a regular basis, but his ex has never spoken to
me from that day to this.
The
problem is that people don't believe my evil twin theory, saying it's
me being a 'Dick' - but it's not. Dave seems to get some perverse
pleasure out of winding people up! I even blame him for me doing a
'Gezzy' (see previous blogs). I have to go now: my wife has just
discovered that someone has painted the top of her nail varnish
bottle with nail varnish and then tightened it up so it has stuck
fast... DAVE!
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