Never Meet Your Heroes

This week I watched an interview with the stars of the new film, 'Guardians of the Galaxy'. I don't know the name of the actor being interviewed, and, as usual, I can't be arsed wasting any time trying to find out. But he was being interviewed alongside Kurt Russell, who was playing his wayward father in the film. The actor, who I presume was the lead in this romp, said that he was a great fan of Russell before making the film. He spoke of the nervousness he felt when first meeting the his hero. Then Kurt laughed and said, “the reality is nothing like the myth, is it?” to which the younger actor laughed and agreed. They had become great friends, or at least they pretended to be, while making the movie, only for the younger actor to find out that his hero was just a guy like him who liked to mess about.

This is the problem about pedestals, the higher they are, the more shaky they become. And when they finally fall, they come down to earth with a thud! I have never understood why people are so scared of meeting their heroes, I may like someone's work, but they are just another person like me as far as I'm concerned. I have met two of my heroes in the past: one was a big let-down, while the other was just what I had expected.

In 1998 a year after my first book. 'The Spot On My Bum' had been released, I was asked if I would like to appear at Glastonbury Festival (honest). Of course, I jumped at the opportunity to be a part of this legendary festival, all the more so when I realised that Bob Dylan, one of my all time musical heroes, was headlining.

I first heard Dylan's work when he released the track 'Knocking on Heaven's Door' from the film, 'Pat Garret and Billy the Kid'. By this time, he was already an international superstar of course, but I was in my teens at the time and liked this track, so I decided to find out more about him. I bought his first acoustic album and became hooked, though its safe to say that Dylan has made some albums that should have gone straight to the bargain bins since. But when he's on form, he can be sublime.

The day he was to appear at Glastonbury, I managed to find out where he would be and because I had a performer's pass, I found it quite easy to blag my way past the security who seemed to be just guys who lived locally and were 'doing the doors' to make a bit of cash. I might be wrong, and they might have been a crack team of undercover FBI agents, but they let me in without much questioning. Though one of the security men did ask who I was, I looked at him in a way which said, 'You idiot, don't you know who I am?' then tapped my badge hanging around my neck, which actually said 'Children's Field' on the reverse (I still have it in my 'man-drawer'). He gave me an embarrassed look and apologised, before letting me through. I managed to get through to the inner sanctum where Dylan and his band and entourage hung out. Dylan was sitting in a chair ignoring everyone. He was dressed in a black suit and I'm sure that he had a pair of green wellies on! His hair was curly and had obviously recently been dyed. I was shocked at how small and frail he looked, not at all how I had imagined him to be. I said hello to him, and he gave me the same look that I had just given to the security guard. He then just turned away from me as if I didn't exist. I called him a wanker and walked out, I can't stand anyone with a bigger ego than me!

My next hero was a completely different experience. I write poems, though whether you class my poetry as "poetry" is a matter for yourself. But my all-time favourite poet is one John Cooper Clarke. I even wrote a poem as a homage to him in 'The Spot on my Bum'. 'The Grass Of The Class' is supposed to be read in true Cooper Clarke style, complete with the Manchester accent.

John was performing in Batley, 'I'll tell you now and I'll tell you flatly, I ain't ever going to Batley!' a line from one of his poems. He stormed the evening, being more of a stand up than a poet, and he was brilliant. I caught up with him at the interval, where he was signing books. I just wanted to say hello really. I waited in line and let everyone with a CD or book to be signed to go first then I walked over and stuck out my hand and said, “pleased to meet you, I just want to say how I'm enjoying the night”. He replied, “Cheers, I'm fucking gagging for a drink, where's the bar?” We had a brief chat during which he made me feel as if I was an old friend of his. I tried not to gush, being such a fan, but he was so down to earth it was just like talking to one of my mates.

I think all so called stars should realise that without their fans they are just another guy with a guitar. So all would-be stars, be nice to all your fans: you may need every fan you can get at some stage of your career!  

Dancing to a Tibetan Nose Flute!

This week I was lucky enough to have a get-together with lots of cousins from the Irish side of my family. If you're reading this guys, hello, and get in touch.

I had not seen lots of these cousins for nearly twenty years: some, I hadn't seen for even longer. The reason reason for the get-together was that my cousin Marian's son, Mark, was marrying a girl from, of all places, Barnsley! I promise not to do any Barnsley jokes... no!

We had a wonderful night catching up, but the thing that amazed me the most was that Mark and lots of his siblings and friends were the entertainment for the night. They were fantastic musicians playing music from lots of different genres. The talent upon the stage was so good that the whole room clapped and sang and danced.

I know that I might be a little biased about this, but I do think that the Irish seem to be a nation that has a deep heritage of musical and lyrical talent. I love music in all its glory but, have never been much of a musician myself, although I might be able to put a feeble argument forward about my lyrical abilities. A night in a good Irish pub will be full of music and stories, as the Irish way of speaking is both lyrical and musical. Now I know that Ireland has more than its fair share of misery throughout the ages. I know that there are Irish bars that make you as welcome as a turd in a swimming pool! But good Irish bars are places where the Craic and the alcohol flow freely. The Craic, by the way, is pronounced 'Crack' but it means merriment, not an ultra-addictive drug!

Many years ago a friend and I tried to walk the width of Britain, but those damn pesky pubs kept on getting in our way. One night while walking through, I think, North Yorkshire, we stumbled upon a group of people all huddled around a camp fire. These people called us over to sit with them and gave us warm drinks, though I'm still not quite sure what it was that I was drinking. They were pleasant company; some may have described them as hippies back in those days, but they would probably be called new age travellers in a later decade. They started to tell some really bullshit stories about enlightenment which seemed to be herb-induced. Then one of the group, a tall skinny woman, started to play an instrument that I was not familiar with, and when she had finished, I was hoping never to be familiar with it again as long as I lived! It turned out to be a Tibetan nose-flute. The group swayed their heads from side to side as this boring monotoned instrument gave me a full frontal lobotomy, causing me to hate the musician playing it, though she had shown me nothing but kindness. The night was so boring that both my friend and I made our excuses and left their camp, even though we could have done with crashing there for a while.

A few nights later we had been halted on our trek by one of those pesky pubs again. The pub was warm and lively and there were a group of Irish students drinking in there. As with all Irish people they will start up a conversation with you if you're in talking distance to them. Because the group contained quite a few beautiful girls we were more than happy to chat. It turned out that they were a band that had been playing at a local folk festival. After more than a few drinks had been consumed by all, one of the group asked the landlord if they could play a few tunes, to which he happily agreed.

What happened next was one of those moments that we all have in life, a spontaneous moment in time that stays with you forever.

Four of the group produced Bodhrain drums. I never get the name of these drums correct, but you know the ones - ones that you hold in your hand and play with a little stick? As the drums beat out a fast driving rhythm the rest of the group stamped their feet in time with the drums. It was like being caught in the cross fire of machine-guns, though these guns didn't knock you off your feet, they made you rise to them. The hairs on the back of my neck stood to attention like guards on parade as the noise forced me to clap my hands like a mesmerised seal! Then what could only be described as a demon, a beautiful demon, rose to her feet. This bewitching enchantress played a fiddle, but the fiddle played at the same force and speed as the drums. This auburn-haired demon in a tee shirt and jeans had me reeling and clapping as if I had lost all my sense of reasoning (the beer may also have helped). Then, without warning, a young man with a shock of black hair and a beard that any Viking warrior would have been proud of, joined in with a tin whistle, quickly followed by another man with a recorder. This instrument is usually an instrument of torture used by seven year old children to play three blind mice over and over again until you have lost the will to live, but in his hands it was like the pipes of pan!

The evening turned to the night then turned to the early hours. This night also finished our attempt at walking the width of Britain, owing to the mother of all hangovers, that neither my friend or I could get over. But the contrast between the Irish idea of a night out and the little English camp was as if they were from two different planets. The night with lots of my cousins the other evening made me realise just how lucky I am to have such a colourful wonderful heritage.

What God Wants, God Gets!

I have tried to steer away from the mind-numbingly dull subject of religion of late in this blog, but the cave men had a day out again today.

The news of the attack in London today was so sad, for everyone concerned, even the cavemen that perpetrated the act! There has to be a point, when you have a belief system, when you must question it. I think when you find yourself driving down a pavement at speed and mowing down screaming school children as they try to flee, that has to be the time.

I am running a project here in my local town of Huddersfield at the moment. The guys who call into the project are from all walks of life and of all different abilities, which is why I love working there. We have a group of young Iranian guys attending at the moment and they don't speak any English, but they are still wonderful company. We all laugh as we try to communicate through the great god of misinformation, Google! There are guys who call in just to help and pass on skills, whereas others just want a place to be safe and enjoy some company, all are welcome.

One of the guys who comes down, Ali, is a devout Muslim, I mean devout. But having said this, I don't recognise his version of Islam from the one that the cavemen want us to see. He is a gentle, witty, charming man whose company I really enjoy. He knows my views on religion and it makes no difference to him at all, “ You are a son of God, and my friend” he always says. There's no malice, no silly clothing, no preaching, just warm friendship. So what kind of Islam were the cavemen studying, where was the love and tolerance that Ali insists is the basis of Islam? The problem is, as usual, politics.

Most of the Islamic world abolished slavery decades before we did here in the west. Egypt was one of the most secular countries in the world until the nineteen twenties. Most Islamic nations welcomed discussion about faith and belief and were happy to talk to other religions. I'm afraid that the puppet masters are always looking for something to unite people in hate behind. Whether it be race, religion or nationalism! Once you are united under their banner they can manipulate and twist facts until people are blinded by hate. The whole of the Islamic world was decimated by the rise of this kind of politics. Forward-thinking countries that were developing well became third world backwaters, just like Pol Pot did with Cambodia. The cavemen that have done the heinous acts today would be happier if we all lived in caves praising a sky full of empty promises!

The same techniques have been used in the Christian world. Just look at America and its bizarre Bible belt. Also we have Northern Ireland, where neighbours killed each other because of a juvenile belief system. Again the troubles in Northern Ireland were also political, but it was easier to have sectarianism to control the people. Some of the bombers of the seventies and eighties must have been able to see the scene of their targets when the set the bombs off, so they too knew there were children about! By the way; killing anyone, man, woman or child is wrong, its just that. I cannot understand a person that could harm a child for whatever reason.

So when we criticise a religion for spawning such imbeciles, as I certainly will be doing, we also must stop and think about people like my friend Ali and the countless other Muslims that live and worship like him. Who believe that all humans are brothers. Also all the hate-mongers mustn't think of all Christians as war merchants I know lots of people that are working hard to find homes for Syrian refugees. I know lots of Christians like my father, who donated a large part of their wages to help people in the developing world (whatever that means) to have a better life.

Remember, what God wants, God gets, and even if your God doesn't want it, he will still get it! The hate preachers will see to that!  

They're Back! (To Avenge Their Mutters and Farters!)

I wrote some time ago about how our house had become a time-share for the local rodent population. I also wrote about how my normally mild-mannered wife turned into Hannibal Lecter's evil cousin and bought up the entire stock of poisons within a thirty mile radius of our house to kill them. I also mentioned that they may come back with nano-Uzi's, all terminator-style, to avenge their loved ones. Well, it seems to have happened (maybe without the Uzi's, though).

I think they may have heard of my wife's reputation as a rodent slayer, because by the look of the mess in our pan cupboard they were shitting themselves. It was everywhere! So the strange blue poison which the mice don't seem to be able to get enough of has resurfaced, and this time it's personal.

Strangely, when I realised that we had the little critters again last night I received a text from my son who was staying at a friend's chalet on the Yorkshire coast. He was asking if I knew a hotel nearby to where he was, for them to stay in. I asked him if he was staying in the chalet, and he replied, “No, it's infested with mice! Kim and Harleigh want out, now!

I have never understood the irrational fear that people have of mice, I would prefer that they chose somewhere else to live, like 10 Downing Street, rather than my house, but I don't mind them that much. But I do wish they would go outside to take a dump, instead of in my cupboards.

In other countries they don't want mice for all the right reasons. They attract predators. Now, here in Huddersfield, a predator is a cat or a fox or a middle-aged man with a medallion fixation. But in countries such as Australia they tend to be venomous snakes, I would much rather be confronted with an ickle mouse than a brown snake! (That's not a euphemism, it's actually a highly venomous snake!)

Snakes have a habit of not being noticed until you either tread on them or put your hand on them.

Someone once told me that they had an infestation of ghosts in their house! I don't think the collective noun for ghosts in an infestation: maybe a spook of ghosts, or a spirit. I think I prefer a non-existent as that sums them up best. THERE'S NO SUCH THING!

I was also told once by some one that had travelled and trekked most of the world about how they were once confronted with an infestation of ants in their tent. We don't realise how bad ants can be here in England. We only have the kind that like to nibble on our jam sandwiches while we're picnicking, but these ants were bullet ants, which can cause excruciating pain with just one bite! Some tribes actually use them as an initiating ceremony for their young men. I prefer the Tequila slammers ceremony for an initiation, myself!

Finally the world of politics seems to have a strange infestation, these days: a swarm of idiots, or "politicians" as they are otherwise known.

Turning To The Dark Side

With the exception of a brief fling with the Labour party in the early 'eighties, I have never really aligned myself with any other political, social or religious bodies. I know what I think about all these subjects and I would like to think my opinions are based on reading and many discussions with people of all different opinions. I check out any information and who the source is, and I don't take anything on face value.

Many years ago, I read a very interesting article about patients that have died briefly on the operating table. The surgeons, as always, battled on and saved the lives of these people. The strange thing was that lots of these people told the surgeons what had happened while they were battling to save their lives. They spoke of an inner calm as they rose above their own bodies and looked down, peacefully at the scene below. One of the surgeons thought that this couldn't possibly be true so he put a series of strange objects on the top of cupboards in the operating theatres. When he later asked the people who claimed to have experienced the out-of-body experiences if they saw anything odd as they floated above the operating table they said yes, then revealed the objects the surgeon had hidden.

When I first read this I thought it both fascinating and scary. Fascinating, because it proved the existence of an afterlife, and scary for the same reason. This would mean that for most of my life I had been wrong about us mortals not being more than an accident of nature and that there was a higher purpose and, dare I say it, a higher being! So I decided to find out as much as possible about this study.

To be honest, it took me all of five minutes to discover that this study was what proper scientists would call "a load of bollocks"! On looking up who they study was by, and who had paid for it, I found it was done in America (where else?) by the Institute of Christian Scientists! Paid for by an evangelical church. I didn't bother reading on, as the words "square peg" and "round hole" sprang to mind. The same study has been done by countless other surgeons around the world since, and yet nothing, zilch. Maybe they were using the wrong objects or maybe they weren't talking about the objects they had hidden as the patients were coming round: who knows?

The reason I'm saying all this is because when I was a child and heard about world war II I couldn't believe that normal happy people could buy into the shit that the Nazis propaganda machine spewed out. How could they buy into such inane yet deadly babble? Then I thought, well, at least we have now moved on as a species and would no longer tolerate such nonsensical bile. How wrong I was!

Take Brexit as an example. For me the EU was,  as far as I'm concerned, an economic argument, nothing else. You cannot argue against a free trade agreement unless there are unnatural tariffs tagged on to them or unless you have had a full frontal labotomy. When the 'Common Market' as it was first known came into being, it was a good idea for a country and its neighbours to join together in free trade. But behind the scenes this was not what the idea was about as Tony Benn passionately pointed out at the time. It was always about building a federal Europe and that is what is happening now. Lots of the smaller countries like Malta have done very well out of the EU as they rely on tourism for most of their economy so they have borrowed a little to improve the infrastructure, and free movement complements their tourism industry. But for countries such as Spain or Greece which also have large tourism industries, it has been disastrous, because though they have built up their infrastructures they also have massive economies with lots being paid out but nothing coming in, causing high unemployment.

Because other countries have a veto, they all stop each other from developing, because it wouldn't be in their interest. There will come a time when it will all just stagnate unless it can be reformulated, which won't happen, because people will veto it!

So with all this in mind why have idiots started to blame eastern European immigrants here in Britain for all our problems? Why are their houses being attacked and they also seem to be the victims of mindless violence? Economic problems are caused by political ideologies, not by minorities, unless you call the government a minority? Political differences should be sorted by us putting a piece of paper in a box, not by us putting humans in a box! Vote against those that do so little that are to blame: don't blame those that have so little that are innocent!.

But the real reason for this blog was because the great comb-over in the White House said something this week that made my blood run cold, something that genuinely chilled me, because I had heard a different version of this phrase somewhere else, many years ago.

When the high courts in America quite rightly pointed out to top Trump that his policy of hate against Muslims, which his travel ban was, was illegal and unconstitutional, he responded by saying, “I'm just trying to protect the homeland”. Sound familiar? Substitute Fatherland for Homeland.

Fake News!

I have been watching with quite some amusement the inauguration of his highness the grand duke of Trumpton. As a statesman, this man is beyond belief, he and his brother from a different mothers. He and Boris the no-brain shouldn't be let out without chaperones in case they talk to strangers.

Trump has been accused of many things, which I personally wouldn't argue against. They may or may not be true, but he seems capable of all the accusations. When he and his team argued about the size of the crowd at his inauguration he dismissed claims that the crowd were only a fraction of the crowd that turned up for Obama by saying he had alternative facts!

History, it is said, is written by the victors. This of course is true, which makes history interesting. The reason it makes it interesting is because it takes a lot of detective work to find out certain things, but even then you cannot call them facts. Only full physical proof can make a claim a fact. Take our car park King, Ricky 3; he was claimed to be a hunchback by one William Shakespeare, and paintings of him also had him as a hunchback, though they were shown to have been altered. When his skeleton was discovered in a car park in Leicester it was found that he did have a twisted spine, but he would have appeared quite normal with his clothes on, and there was no sign of a hump. So after hundreds of years we can now say that Richard the third was not a hunchback, fact!, And that is yet more proof that history is written by the victors.

So for the benefit of Trumpton, let me explain: you can have a lie, an opinion, and a fact, that's it. If it didn't happen, to say it did is a lie. If it did happen but you can have an opinion on why and how it happened, it happened - that's it! You cannot have an alternative fact. A fact is a fact: that's it. An alternative fact is called a lie. Just what was the country doing voting in this man, who has nothing but his own self-interest at heart? Why do you think he got out of the car to talk to the crowds on Friday? Was it his love of the people or the fact he chose to get out of the car right outside the Trump building with the world's press on him.

As for women protesting against him because of his views on women, why didn't they do that when he was running for presidency? Why don't they march against the world's religions, because of their views on women and their treatment of women? Why didn't they vote for the woman that was running for president? 52% of women voted for him! It has become fashionable to protest against the great combover but, as with Brexit, don't bang on about democracy then start screaming that you want a recount when the vote goes against you. Fight to be heard before the vote!

Fake news is not a modern invention. We have always had it. Why do you think we went into the Gulf war? Do you think Boris the bully really stood aside after the Brexit vote for the good of the country, or could it be he expects Theresa May (or may not) will be pilloried when we leave the EU, and then he can step in like an arse in shining armour. We have been, and always will be, fed a diet of crap when it comes to politics. The truth is there are always someone's interests to look out for, but you can guarantee they will not be yours!

But there is some fake news that I enjoy. I do like harmless pranks played on the press and public. The broadcaster Stuart Maconie, while working for the music paper the NME, once wrote a page giving odd facts about certain bits of the industry. For a laugh one day he wrote that Bob Holness, the presenter of the popular children's show, Block Buster, was the saxophonist on Gerry Rafferty's classic song, Baker Street. 

For some reason this snippet of fake news caught the imagination of the public, who chose to believe it without question. Rafferty himself once said that he was called a liar by a man in a bar who had told him this piece of Maconie propaganda. Rafferty told him it was an urban myth, only for the man to denounce him as a fool. But who's to say that even this story is true?

Meaningless Drivel

I have written before about things people say that make no sense at all, but we accept these phrases without question. Lots of the more inane sugar-coated types of sayings are happily embraced by certain people, my wife being one of them.

She often asks me to write poems for birthday cards for her friends, with me being a poet type and all. The problem is I write about things that I find funny or things I think others may find funny, but I don't do sentiment. With this in mind, I write poems for her but I make them so sickly sweet that anybody with any sense would see the joke... two of my wife's friends cried with real tears of emotion when reading the poems, thinking them to be so lovely! I must be writing the wrong type of poems, maybe I should switch to verses for cards?

My son and his partner (his Partner) bought my wife what looks like a wooden box with a glass front on it for Christmas. Inside this sealed box is what can only be described as cotton wool, on the front is a sickly sweet sentiment. This sentiment is the most inane thing I have ever read, but no one else seems to have noticed. When I point it out to people they call me the usual stuff, Grinch, moaning old git etc. Everyone except me seems to think it's a lovely sentiment but it just makes no sense to me.

Because someone we love is in Heaven,

There's a little bit of Heaven in our home.

For once I'm not going down the road of no such place as Heaven which, to be honest, is another valid argument, I'm looking at this from the "what a load of bollocks" point of view!

Now let's, for a moment, shut off our brains and agree that there's a Heaven where your loving Gods sends you once they've killed you. The sentiment is still meaningless! If this was to be true then you could just as well say.

Because someone we know is in Batley,

There's a little bit of Batley in our home.

My wife also has a plaque made from pot (clay, not cannabis) which she infuriatingly hangs from one of the wardrobe doors. This thing swings and bangs about each time the door is opened - it is only a matter of time before it breaks and I get the blame! The plaque was given to her by a close friend of hers, this plaque is in the shape of a heart and bears the motif,

Friends are the family you don't have!

I find this strange because most people think,

Family are the friends you don't want!

Is that too much? Have I gone to far? No I haven't - it's just inane nonsense which resonates with people at certain times in their lives. But there are other stupid sayings, such as in the Batman film when the caped crusader looks at the camera and says, in a menacing tone,

To overcome fear you must first become fear!

I may not have quoted it word for word, but that was about it. With that in mind you could also use this logic for lots of things such as,

To overcome flatulence you must first become flatulence!

Who ever wrote that line hadn't really thought it through. But then the Batman franchise, as entertaining as it is, doesn't claim anything only an hour and a half of escapism.

These phrases are just harmless mindless drivel but there is a piece of drivel I have seen written and been quoted many times which is dangerous and stupid,

Guns don't kill people, people kill people!

Yes, usually with a gun, you moron! This is one of the gun lobby's ways of trying to say that guns are safe. Then why do we use them to kill things? When was the last time you heard someone say, “I'm taking up flower arranging. I must buy myself a gun!” Guns are designed to kill, that is the sole purpose of a gun. What about when guns have fallen over and fired a shot, killing someone? Or what about when small children find their parents' guns and play with them? Why don't they try this slogan,

If guns don't kill, then what's their purpose?

Like I say, some people just don't think things through before they speak!