Never Meet Your Heroes

This week I watched an interview with the stars of the new film, 'Guardians of the Galaxy'. I don't know the name of the actor being interviewed, and, as usual, I can't be arsed wasting any time trying to find out. But he was being interviewed alongside Kurt Russell, who was playing his wayward father in the film. The actor, who I presume was the lead in this romp, said that he was a great fan of Russell before making the film. He spoke of the nervousness he felt when first meeting the his hero. Then Kurt laughed and said, “the reality is nothing like the myth, is it?” to which the younger actor laughed and agreed. They had become great friends, or at least they pretended to be, while making the movie, only for the younger actor to find out that his hero was just a guy like him who liked to mess about.

This is the problem about pedestals, the higher they are, the more shaky they become. And when they finally fall, they come down to earth with a thud! I have never understood why people are so scared of meeting their heroes, I may like someone's work, but they are just another person like me as far as I'm concerned. I have met two of my heroes in the past: one was a big let-down, while the other was just what I had expected.

In 1998 a year after my first book. 'The Spot On My Bum' had been released, I was asked if I would like to appear at Glastonbury Festival (honest). Of course, I jumped at the opportunity to be a part of this legendary festival, all the more so when I realised that Bob Dylan, one of my all time musical heroes, was headlining.

I first heard Dylan's work when he released the track 'Knocking on Heaven's Door' from the film, 'Pat Garret and Billy the Kid'. By this time, he was already an international superstar of course, but I was in my teens at the time and liked this track, so I decided to find out more about him. I bought his first acoustic album and became hooked, though its safe to say that Dylan has made some albums that should have gone straight to the bargain bins since. But when he's on form, he can be sublime.

The day he was to appear at Glastonbury, I managed to find out where he would be and because I had a performer's pass, I found it quite easy to blag my way past the security who seemed to be just guys who lived locally and were 'doing the doors' to make a bit of cash. I might be wrong, and they might have been a crack team of undercover FBI agents, but they let me in without much questioning. Though one of the security men did ask who I was, I looked at him in a way which said, 'You idiot, don't you know who I am?' then tapped my badge hanging around my neck, which actually said 'Children's Field' on the reverse (I still have it in my 'man-drawer'). He gave me an embarrassed look and apologised, before letting me through. I managed to get through to the inner sanctum where Dylan and his band and entourage hung out. Dylan was sitting in a chair ignoring everyone. He was dressed in a black suit and I'm sure that he had a pair of green wellies on! His hair was curly and had obviously recently been dyed. I was shocked at how small and frail he looked, not at all how I had imagined him to be. I said hello to him, and he gave me the same look that I had just given to the security guard. He then just turned away from me as if I didn't exist. I called him a wanker and walked out, I can't stand anyone with a bigger ego than me!

My next hero was a completely different experience. I write poems, though whether you class my poetry as "poetry" is a matter for yourself. But my all-time favourite poet is one John Cooper Clarke. I even wrote a poem as a homage to him in 'The Spot on my Bum'. 'The Grass Of The Class' is supposed to be read in true Cooper Clarke style, complete with the Manchester accent.

John was performing in Batley, 'I'll tell you now and I'll tell you flatly, I ain't ever going to Batley!' a line from one of his poems. He stormed the evening, being more of a stand up than a poet, and he was brilliant. I caught up with him at the interval, where he was signing books. I just wanted to say hello really. I waited in line and let everyone with a CD or book to be signed to go first then I walked over and stuck out my hand and said, “pleased to meet you, I just want to say how I'm enjoying the night”. He replied, “Cheers, I'm fucking gagging for a drink, where's the bar?” We had a brief chat during which he made me feel as if I was an old friend of his. I tried not to gush, being such a fan, but he was so down to earth it was just like talking to one of my mates.

I think all so called stars should realise that without their fans they are just another guy with a guitar. So all would-be stars, be nice to all your fans: you may need every fan you can get at some stage of your career!