Sex Educashun!

All the lines in the poem below have been told to me by countless students in the schools that I have visited, all over Britain. The only difference is that I have tried to rhyme them, but I have still tried to write them down as they were told to me.

Half of me finds their innocence quite funny, while the parent side of my brain is horrified that young adults are so unaware of the perils of teenage sex.

I'm a firm believer that young people should be given as much information as possible about sex, it's much better than finding things out the hard way! (No pun intended).

How does a boring old doctor know how I feel?

I talk to my mates, they keep it real!

You can't get pregnant, if you do it standing up,

And you can catch VD from a dirty cup.

You only get pregnant if you're really sloppy,

But if you do it to much your fanny goes floppy!

You can't get her pregnant if you stick it up her bum,

Because the girl's poo kills all your cum!

Toothpaste on the wart makes it go away,

You can only catch AIDs if you're gay.

You can't get pregnant if you keep it brief,

To many blow jobs give you goofy teeth!

You can't have sex more than once a day,

Wearing girls' pants will turn you gay.

When you get VD, you wee out jelly,

Going down on her makes mushrooms grow in your belly!

I know someone whose willy bone broke,

Giving someone a love bite can give them a stroke.

Girls don't masturbate, don't be silly,

How could they when they don't have a willy?

To much wanking makes your hand grow hairs,

It make you go blind, but then, who cares?

I don't need sex education, I know what to do,

I've not done it yet, have you?

The last line was said to me by a young thirteen year old in a school in Lincolnshire. He told me he knew everything there was to know about sex. He then asked me if I had ever had sex, even though he knew that I had a son and had been married for many years. But then I suppose there are people who have been married a long time with children that have never had sex! Well, at least, one of them may not have.