The International Family

We have all heard of the international community, surely? But the other day on TV, a strange little man was ranting on about this week's middle eastern crisis, when he said, “Why the don’t the international family do something about this?”

I don’t know if this was just a slip of the tongue, or if he really does think of the world as one big family! If it is one big family then it’s the mother of all dysfunctional families! But it did get me thinking; if we are a family, who is who? We need a mama and papa and all the other components that make up a family, so here is my take on each role.

Germany

Has to be papa. I know most people will not agree with this choice, but think about it. They are good at making things, just like papa. They hold on to the purse strings and do a lot of shouting. They like to be in charge and tell you what to do, but no one wants to listen to them, they have strange ideas about things and they want things done their way.

America

Has to be the wayward teenager that spends his time playing war games! They are loyal but over-emotional, being polite and caring one minute then telling the world they hate them the next. They don’t know about anything that doesn’t affect them. They overeat on all the wrong things. They like to pick fights, but hate to tidy up the mess they have made!

Canada

Is the sensible sister of America. She went to university and passed with a B.A. Honours. She likes things neat and tidy and doesn’t like a fuss. She doesn’t want to be the centre of attention like her brother, she just wants to get on with her life. She is the one in the family that thinks things through before she acts, and she doesn’t like family parties!

Britain

Is the old great Aunt who has had one hell of a life, but is now quite irritating. She was quite a girl in her time but now she’s old and frail, though she still likes to be heard.She thinks that her opinions should still count, but the world has moved on since her glory days and fewer of the family have time to listen to her any more.

India and China

Are the geeky cousins who are loaded but look as if they don’t have a penny between them. They don’t really say much and have very strange habits. The rest of the family are not sure where they got their money from or how much they are worth. But some of the more financially challenged of the family try to see if they can swindle them out of money, as they have done in the past, only to be shocked to find that the geeks have turned into quite astute businessmen!

France

Is the grand daddy; he is a toothless charming old boy. He was quite a catch in his day, but his appeal has long since diminished. He still likes to think he’s in charge and the rest of the family let him have his say, but papa Germany always has the last word. Great aunt Britain hates him because of the things he got up to in the past!

Italy and Greece

Are the two uncles that have just been released from gaol! They were sent down for fraud and embezzlement. They are fun to be with, as they have very laid back sunny dispositions, but they are not to be trusted with money!

Russia

Is the uncle that has never been same since the war. No one is quite sure what happened to him as he doesn’t speak to anyone but small children and animals give him a wide berth. He’s quite frightening when he’s in a bad mood, but he’s bloody terrifying when he’s trying to be nice.

Africa

Should be the mama of the world but she’s treated like the baby. We don’t want her to grow up, we like just the way she is, sickly and undeveloped. The rest of the family like to pat her on the head and ignore her. But now she’s starting to get growing pains and her cries are starting to be heard.

Australia

Is the older brother that everyone loves. He’s laid back and knows how to have a good time. Although he went off the rails a little in his teenage years, he seems to have turned out into quite a nice lad.

I have thought long and hard about who should be the mama. This would have to be the country that held the world together. The country that helped and loved the rest of the family. This would have to be a country that didn’t stand in judgement on the others and offered a helping hand when needed. This country would need to do all this without any recompense, it would have to nurse through the bad times and laugh with the good times: this country doesn’t exist. Maybe that is what is wrong with the world,

THE WORLD NEEDS A MAMA!