They Don't Do Proper Bacon... and other insignificant prejudices

I have been off on my travels yet again, to more warmer climes than the north of England. I have written many times about how I think that travel is important to improve yourself and your outlook on life.

When you travel, you quickly find that people are just people the world over. Yes you meet seedy low-lifes in other countries, but no more or less than you meet them in your own town or city. You will find that most people are friendly and just want to get through life without any fuss. They will probably have the same hopes and dreams that you have, with slight variations. I once met a man in Portugal who dreamed of owning a large herd of cows, whereas I opted for a new car.

While staying at the hotel in Rhodes this week I heard the familiar wail of Brits abroad, “They don't do proper bacon!” I have tried to explain to these people that it depends which side of the fence you stand on, what is 'proper' bacon. If you are not from Britain, you will not know what all the fuss is about, but bacon is ambrosia to us Brits!

There is only one other country that does bacon the same as us Brits and that's the Danes. I would hazard a guess that our love of bacon comes from them, when we had 'Danelaw' back in the day! When old Canute wasn't messing about at the seaside he, no doubt, liked nothing more than tucking in to a bacon butty with brown sauce! Even vegetarians here in Britain eat pretend bacon and vegans eat bacon flavoured crunchy snacks! We are just obsessed with bacon. The moaning pig munchers are quite right in saying that bacon in other parts of the world don't resemble what we call bacon, but if you want British bacon. STAY IN BRITAIN! I'm bored to the back teeth of halfwits whinging about their breakfasts. When I suggest to them that they may want to try something different, like say, something from the country they are in, they look at me as if I have just sold national secrets!

The other cry I hear time and time again is about Germans leaving the towels on the sun beds to save them! This of course is true but so do the Brits and lots of Eastern Europeans in fact everyone does. I have to say that I don't like staying in hotels and when I do I tend to spend as much time as possible out of them and seeing the sights of the country that I have paid lots of money to visit! Why don't these people hire a car and go off the beaten track? Try to talk with the locals - a cheap phrase book will help you out. Why not buy a local a drink in a little bar away from the tourist tat? A bar that has heard a million stories of life, trials and tribulations. Why don't they swim in the sea edged by a deserted white sand beach that burns the soles of your feet for daring to tread upon its beauty? Why don't they stand holding the hand of the one they love while watching the sun go down then drink and make love under a warm golden moon? Instead of sitting in a hotel bar with people they don't like while getting pissed on cheap plonk!

The other thing that Brits whinge about when they visit a warm country is, “Its too hot!” No shit, Sherlock! You mean the country that you sat and looked at in a brochure, the country that you chose because of its endless sunshine is... hot?

Now, I have singled the Brits out for all these silly little prejudices: that's because I'm British, so my fellow countrymen moan to me, but I know that other countries have these people as well. I also have an Italian background so I'm quite used to a lot of the Mediterranean food (See my new book Cooking With Babbo And Nonna). I also speak Italian and a little Spanish so I'm happy to try different languages, though locals often fall about laughing at my malapropisms as I mangle their mother tongue, but this is usually followed by a slap on the back and a drink plonked down in front of me. It's a brilliant way of finding out what it's like to live in the country you are visiting.

Mama, We're All Crazy Now

The above title is lifted from a Slade song from the seventies, though they had their own peculiar way of spelling song titles.

The reason for this blog is because of people's views about those with 'Mental Health Issues'. Just the phrase, 'Mental Health Issues' sounds in some way derogatory. One of the guys that I have been working with of late said to me in his broad Yorkshire accent, and in true honest and blunt Yorkshire no-nonsense style, “They put me in the nut house!” when I asked him why, he replied, “Coz I went mad!”

The point I'm trying to make is 'what is mad?' I think at some time in all our lives we ourselves go a little mad! I'm not trying to be flippant here, I'm serious, we all have times in our lives when we seem to lose the plot, as they say.

Now before you all deny any knowledge of ever showing any signs of mental health problems, we must first ask what they are. Depression, anxiety, irrational mood swings, compulsive behaviour. We all suffer from these to a greater or lesser degree. You could argue that the first flushes of love are a type of mental illness as you can suffer from all of the above when you fall in love! Of course there are other far more complex issues that people may face.

Someone the other day told me that they can't understand why anyone would dream of self-harming. There are a multitude of complex reasons why people feel they need to harm, but the person that made this claim had a cigarette in her hand as she said it! When I pointed out to her that she herself was actually self-harming she laughed, telling me that I was talking rubbish! But breathing in smoke that will kill you for no reason is self harming.

I work in a project where lots of the guys have had many problems in their lives. They are just ordinary guys that life has thrown a curve-ball at, and this has caused them problems. Lots of these guys are charming, intelligent individuals, who have suffered traumas that would finish a lot of people off altogether - but they are now rebuilding their lives. The main problem they have now is the stigma of the mental health tag! When some people hear this phrase they think of a naked man with an axe running amok on the streets! They never think that they will know lots of people who have suffered mental health issues, or that they, too, may have suffered from them.

When I look back at my own life, knowing what I know now, I can see times when I must have been finding things difficult. The problem is that we, men especially, don't like to admit that there may be a problem. We don't talk, we drink! This, of course, then causes other mental health issues!

The other problem is the way we like to put people into nice neat boxes so we know just who and what they are, but no one fits into one box! So having said all this, just what is normal? As you read this I bet you think you yourself are quite normal, unless you are one of those irritating morons that claim, “we're all mad here you know!” These people are not mad, just terminally boring! So when you think about your normal life I don't think it will be anything like my life and I'm quite normal! But there again my life is not like my neighbour's life and he says that he's normal? The truth is it's your life, your choices, it's normal for you: just don't judge others on your definition of normal!

I have to go now. The voice in my head is telling me to 'sit in water!' Sorry, it's just my wife asking me if I would like a bath... or is it?

Never Meet Your Heroes

This week I watched an interview with the stars of the new film, 'Guardians of the Galaxy'. I don't know the name of the actor being interviewed, and, as usual, I can't be arsed wasting any time trying to find out. But he was being interviewed alongside Kurt Russell, who was playing his wayward father in the film. The actor, who I presume was the lead in this romp, said that he was a great fan of Russell before making the film. He spoke of the nervousness he felt when first meeting the his hero. Then Kurt laughed and said, “the reality is nothing like the myth, is it?” to which the younger actor laughed and agreed. They had become great friends, or at least they pretended to be, while making the movie, only for the younger actor to find out that his hero was just a guy like him who liked to mess about.

This is the problem about pedestals, the higher they are, the more shaky they become. And when they finally fall, they come down to earth with a thud! I have never understood why people are so scared of meeting their heroes, I may like someone's work, but they are just another person like me as far as I'm concerned. I have met two of my heroes in the past: one was a big let-down, while the other was just what I had expected.

In 1998 a year after my first book. 'The Spot On My Bum' had been released, I was asked if I would like to appear at Glastonbury Festival (honest). Of course, I jumped at the opportunity to be a part of this legendary festival, all the more so when I realised that Bob Dylan, one of my all time musical heroes, was headlining.

I first heard Dylan's work when he released the track 'Knocking on Heaven's Door' from the film, 'Pat Garret and Billy the Kid'. By this time, he was already an international superstar of course, but I was in my teens at the time and liked this track, so I decided to find out more about him. I bought his first acoustic album and became hooked, though its safe to say that Dylan has made some albums that should have gone straight to the bargain bins since. But when he's on form, he can be sublime.

The day he was to appear at Glastonbury, I managed to find out where he would be and because I had a performer's pass, I found it quite easy to blag my way past the security who seemed to be just guys who lived locally and were 'doing the doors' to make a bit of cash. I might be wrong, and they might have been a crack team of undercover FBI agents, but they let me in without much questioning. Though one of the security men did ask who I was, I looked at him in a way which said, 'You idiot, don't you know who I am?' then tapped my badge hanging around my neck, which actually said 'Children's Field' on the reverse (I still have it in my 'man-drawer'). He gave me an embarrassed look and apologised, before letting me through. I managed to get through to the inner sanctum where Dylan and his band and entourage hung out. Dylan was sitting in a chair ignoring everyone. He was dressed in a black suit and I'm sure that he had a pair of green wellies on! His hair was curly and had obviously recently been dyed. I was shocked at how small and frail he looked, not at all how I had imagined him to be. I said hello to him, and he gave me the same look that I had just given to the security guard. He then just turned away from me as if I didn't exist. I called him a wanker and walked out, I can't stand anyone with a bigger ego than me!

My next hero was a completely different experience. I write poems, though whether you class my poetry as "poetry" is a matter for yourself. But my all-time favourite poet is one John Cooper Clarke. I even wrote a poem as a homage to him in 'The Spot on my Bum'. 'The Grass Of The Class' is supposed to be read in true Cooper Clarke style, complete with the Manchester accent.

John was performing in Batley, 'I'll tell you now and I'll tell you flatly, I ain't ever going to Batley!' a line from one of his poems. He stormed the evening, being more of a stand up than a poet, and he was brilliant. I caught up with him at the interval, where he was signing books. I just wanted to say hello really. I waited in line and let everyone with a CD or book to be signed to go first then I walked over and stuck out my hand and said, “pleased to meet you, I just want to say how I'm enjoying the night”. He replied, “Cheers, I'm fucking gagging for a drink, where's the bar?” We had a brief chat during which he made me feel as if I was an old friend of his. I tried not to gush, being such a fan, but he was so down to earth it was just like talking to one of my mates.

I think all so called stars should realise that without their fans they are just another guy with a guitar. So all would-be stars, be nice to all your fans: you may need every fan you can get at some stage of your career!