How To Look Cool With Snot On Your Lip!

One of my pleasures in life is to play badminton with friends for a few hours each week, then go for a coffee and a catch up with an old friend. We usually go to a coffee shop located in a media centre in the middle of town. This coffee shop is the haunt of what seem to be young professional types who like to make an entrance when they turn up for some important meeting that involves chat but no action. The whole place is lively and vibrant and quite a relaxing and comfortable setting to sit and chat.

Because of the type of clientele this coffee shop attracts, my friend and I - dressed in our scruffy shorts and tee shirts - look more than a little out of place, but we have being going there for so long now that no one pays us any attention (the story of my life). 

The other day while we chatted we couldn't help but notice a group of young people next to us doing the “Oh darling, so lovely to see you!” routine followed by the obligatory air kisses. I cannot for the life of me see the point of air kisses: either physically kiss someone or don't bother! These people were very well dressed and seemed to be boasting about who was the most successful when in walked a young man who stood in front of their table. It has to be said this guy knew how to make an entrance. The door slammed shut behind him as he had obviously planned; he didn't flinch or look about or apologise for his carelessness. He was quite tall and slim with skin-tight jeans and a skimpy vest barely covered by a skin-tight, under-sized blue suit jacket. His head was covered by thick well-groomed orange hair and he supported a large pair of thick red spectacles balanced carefully on the end of his nose. He also had placed a white scarf strategically around his neck. This was a person hoping to be noticed!

As he stood in front of the table next to where my friend and I were sitting, the people there jumped to their feet as this was a person they all wanted to be seen with. The problem was, it looked as if he had just blown his nose before entering the cafe and not done a very good job as he seemed to have most of the contents of his nose still on his top lip. The people rising to their feet to greet him went to give him the obligatory air kiss then stopped dead in their tracks when they noticed the snot on his lip. They then found themselves in the very British quandary: do you tell, and risk being rude, or do you ignore it and hope that he notices it himself? This man then broke into a stream of over-the-top camp statements which were all designed to get equal amounts of gasps and laughs at the same time, but no one looking on could take their eyes off the snot on his lip! 

Finally one of the party nervously pointed to his lip and muttered, “Harry, you seem to have a bit... your top lip, there seems to be... something!” The man then took out a purple handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his lip. He then did what we all do and examined the contents of the handkerchief before announcing to all in the café, “It's just a bit of mocha that I had bought for me by an incredibly sexy young man!” To which my friend retorted in an equally loud voice, “It looked like snot to me, mate!”

Without any hesitation the man glared at my friend over his over-the-top glasses and exclaimed, “Really! Where do they find these people?” then flounced out of the café before anyone could reply. My friend found this so funny that I thought he might have an heart attack, he laughed so much!

I loved the confidence of this young man, the fact that he wanted to be seen and wasn't ashamed of who he was. I know that in private just like lots of people he will probably be wracked with insecurity - this is, of course, part of the make-up of people who like to “peacock”. But the way he handled the situation was cool and really quite funny; he didn't fall to pieces as lots of others would have done in this situation. I have to admit I couldn't care less if someone had pointed this out to me. I couldn't have looked more out of place in the café, wearing my three-quarter pants and old sweatshirt covered in various stains, and rather smelly. If someone had told me that I had a snotty nose I would have thanked them and been quite grateful. You see I have never been cool, never will be cool, so I might as well accept who and what I am and be happy - which I am.

The only other time I have seen someone try to pull off a masterful cover-up was back in the '70s, while drinking in a local pub. One of our group had gone to the toilet. This guy (who sadly is no longer with us) was extremely witty and quick-thinking; he was also a devout coward when it came to a fight. This particular night he had gone to the toilet and, as was common back then, a fight had broken out in the toilet. It was routine for people with grudges to follow someone into a toilet and attack them. The fight broke out while my friend was using the urinal and, true to form, he ran out as quickly as possible to make sure he was in no way dragged into the fight. 

He came back to our table out of breath to tell us what had just happened, and we all fell about laughing. He had been so quick to flee from the violence that he had forgotten to tuck his little man servant back into his trousers: his willy was still hanging out! My circle of friends don't stand on ceremony or try to be diplomatic so as not to hurt your feelings, they just say what they want when they want. It was very quickly pointed out to this guy what was hanging out. Instead of recoiling in horror he calmly looked down at his appendage bobbing about for all to see and announced, “Oh, this little thing? I picked it up in a market in Marrakesh. You know it was very reasonably priced!” With that he tucked it back into his trousers and asked, “Anyone fancy a pint?” He did this with such charm and nonchalance that it still makes me laugh today whenever I think back to those times. Some people just know how to look cool no matter what the circumstances. Unfortunately, I'm not one of these people...