The Grumpy Ewok!

I have written before, how, when my wife and I visit the local supermarket, we have set roles. It is my job to buy the food and the provisions we need to last another week here on this mortal coil, while my wife's in charge of buying the things we don't want or need!

Because it's the season to be jolly (I'm not) and all that, my wife is in charge of buying presents for people we never see or like. But she did say that she wanted a certain present for little Harleigh, so she trotted off and left me to restock our depleted rations. I had spent time walking around the supermarket, picking up goods with far too much packaging around them, when I saw my wife trying to reach a toy on the top shelf. Now Carol is not the tallest of people, so she was trying to jump up to get hold of the said toy. I watched her for a while for my own amusement then walked down the aisle and snatched the toy from the shelf saying, “I'll take that you short-arse!” Then I put the toy in my trolley and walked off without stopping.

This is where this blog should really stop, except that what I didn't know was that while I had been shopping, Carol was being chatted up by a man who was pulling out all the stops to impress her. He had tried to get the toy from the shelf for her but he was unfortunately smaller then her! He would have been under five foot high I guess, plus he was quite plump and of a very hairy disposition! I couldn't help but think "Ewok", when I saw him. If you are not a Star Wars fan, you may not be familiar with Ewoks, the small cuddly creatures that helped fight against... I don't know who they fought against, actually, as I'm not a fan of Star Wars either. All I know is that they were small and hairy just like this diminutive Don Juan who was out to impress my wife.

The problem was that he had gone to find someone to get the toy from the shelf for my wife, who was in turn trying desperately to escape from him! He returned just in time to see yours truly snatching the toy and what to him looked like me insulting Carol.

Carol thanked him for his trouble and started to walk away, he in turn snapped, “I'm not having that!” and stormed off after me before Carol had chance to explain that because she had been a very bad person in a past life she had been married to me as a punishment! I, on the other hand, was not aware that there was an Ewok on the loose that was out to savage me for my unthinking insensitivity.

I did catch a glimpse of him bobbing up and down while stalking me by the fresh fish counter, but gave it no thought. I think he had decided that he might need to some back-up to tackle me, after all if he was to ride off into the sunset with my wife, he had best make sure he didn't make himself look foolish. He was in the store with his friend as it turned out, so off he went to fetch him, I suppose to help him give me a slap!

I entered the bread aisle and was then confronted with my own 'High Noon' albeit in miniature as the Ewok's friend turned out to be a dead ringer for 'Popeye', only he was the same height as his little hairy friend!

“That's him!” snapped the Ewok, pointing to me. I still had no idea what was happening. “I hate clever bastards like him!” he hissed in my direction, and Popeye nodded in agreement. I looked around to see who had upset these two agents of revenge. I was surprised to notice that I was the only person on the aisle.

“Give me that toy!” demanded the Ewok pointing to the Peppa Pig Minibus in my trolley. I was still none the wiser as to what was happening. Though the thought did cross my mind that I was about to be mugged by an Ewok and Popeye for my Peppa Pig!

“I'm sorry are you talking to me?” I enquired, not understanding why I should be in this situation. “Too right I'm talking to you! Give me that toy before I loose my temper and make you sorry that you ever met me!”

Now, there were three things wrong with this situation: firstly, I wasn't aware that I had ever met him. Secondly this was the last Peppa Pig left, so to me this would be like robbing my Granddaughter. But thirdly and most importantly, the sight of the Ewok and Popeye, who was now thumping his fist into his cupped hand, standing there threatening me was just too much for me to take. I burst out laughing. I might have got away with a slight snigger but I'm afraid I started to laugh uncontrollably. I wasn't mocking them as I'm sure they could and would have inflicted severe damage to me, but the whole situation was just too much for me. I have an awful irritating habit of not taking situation seriously, and this has in the past got me into lots of scrapes.

The tiny twosome were about to launch an attack on me when Carol walked in on our bun fight at the O.K Corral asking what the problem was?

“It's OK love, this.. gentleman is about to give you your toy back” replied the grumpy Ewok. 

“He's no gentleman, but he is, unfortunately, my husband, so everything is OK,” replied Carol, trying to calm the situation. 

He turned to Carol with a look of hurt and betrayal written all over his little hairy face, “You're married... to him?” he stammered. 

“Yes, she is,” I added, trying to look indignant while trying not to laugh. “I've got a certificate to prove it!”

The Ewok shook his head and he and Popeye disappeared down the frozen veg aisle. Carol then gave me my usual talk that I always get when I get into trouble without knowing it! You know, why don't I act my age and why do I have to wind people up, that sort of thing. But I can quite honestly say that I was completely innocent this time. Though I did get him to swear at me at the checkout when he looked over to Carol and me. Whenever he looked I put my arm around her and gave her a kiss on the cheek and mouthed the words, “She's my wife she is!” to him.

It can be a dangerous business this shopping thing you know!