A Queen's Christmas Message!

Hiya!

I hope you have all had a merry Crimble? I have I spent Christmas day at my sister's house. I love to see the kids' faces when they open their prezzies. I also love to see their faces as I wave them goodbye, ten minutes after they have opened their prezzies. Kids are like haemorrhoids, they don't seem too bad when someone else has them, but you don't want them yourself!

Well, what a year! I don't know where to start. I had the roof done on the house in January, as it was about as water-tight as a pair of perforated knickers! So I got Jimmy the Belly to come and sort it for me. He's a lovely bloke but I can't understand a word he says. He's from Wales or Ireland or Czechoslovakia. I'm not sure where he's from, but I know he's not from Tooting! He gave me a price and I nearly fainted. I said, “Jimmy, love I want me roof doing, I don't want to pay off the national debt!” He replied, “ar ool nall iggy ra ra”? I told you he wasn't from Tooting! Anyway he did it for a knock-down price as long as I got his sister a job at the care home where I work. She's a lovely woman, though I'm not so sure just how long she's been a woman! She looks like a Russian shot- putter in a dress!

Haven't we had a warm year? They say that's why we are having all this flooding, and there's me thinking that all this flooding was down to the rain we've had! I would like to give a big shout out to all the posse at Ayia Napa: I don't know how to spell it and I don't know where it is to look it up. My mate, Cliff, said that I'm a dumb-arse not knowing where I went on me hols, but I just booked it down at Thomson's for two weeks of drink and sex (I have found these two go very well together) So how would I know where it is? I wanted to go clubbing, not flying the bloody plane! I would love to give a big hello to Christian who I met out there, he was such a dream. Christian if you are reading this love, do you have a nasty rash around your groin? If you do, you need antibiotics, trust me it's the only way to get rid of it.

X Factor was so boring this year, it's had it's day, don't you think? I loved Strictly though. I wouldn't mind going on that, you know? I could do with losing a few pounds, as my belly is starting to look like a sporran!

I love Jeremy Kyle though. Is it me, or does he look like Woody off the Toy Story films? Well he looks like Woody with constipation! Why would you call a character from a children's film Woody? The only person I have ever known who was called Woody was a six foot four stripper from Wolverhampton, and he was as camp as a poodle parlour! He was called Woody because of his acting ability, and the fact that he had a dick the size of a rolling pin!

I love the Jeremy Kyle show because no matter how shit you feel it always reminds you that someone else has a life even more shit than yours! There are people on there that have not been identified as a species yet! I like it when they run out on to the stage and threaten to beat someone up. It's always someone with just one tooth and I think, “go on punch him and let him get some dentures, he will look much better”.

When Gez Walsh asked me to write the Queen's message on his blog, he could have written it himself you know. Don't be fooled by all that macho crap he writes. If you look through his DVD's there will be more 'Marley And Me' than Hell's Bridge in there. Anyway, when he asked me to write this blog he said that I should mention stuff about what is happening around the world and about the starving, as if I give a fuck!

All I know is that Donald Trump needs a new hairdresser and people need to stop believing the crap that politicians tell them. Is that political enough? Get me coming over all angry? I know about the injustice in this world, sometimes I have hope that tolerance will rise and things will change, then someone blows up a school because of blind hate. It will take more than Gez and his silly little blog to change this, it will take millions of people to say that they have had enough of bigotry and hatred!

So have a fabulous new year, keep warm keep safe and be happy, but give X Factor a miss next year it's time for a change!

Love Stevie XXX.