A Queen's Christmas Message!

Hiya!

I hope you have all had a merry Crimble? I have I spent Christmas day at my sister's house. I love to see the kids' faces when they open their prezzies. I also love to see their faces as I wave them goodbye, ten minutes after they have opened their prezzies. Kids are like haemorrhoids, they don't seem too bad when someone else has them, but you don't want them yourself!

Well, what a year! I don't know where to start. I had the roof done on the house in January, as it was about as water-tight as a pair of perforated knickers! So I got Jimmy the Belly to come and sort it for me. He's a lovely bloke but I can't understand a word he says. He's from Wales or Ireland or Czechoslovakia. I'm not sure where he's from, but I know he's not from Tooting! He gave me a price and I nearly fainted. I said, “Jimmy, love I want me roof doing, I don't want to pay off the national debt!” He replied, “ar ool nall iggy ra ra”? I told you he wasn't from Tooting! Anyway he did it for a knock-down price as long as I got his sister a job at the care home where I work. She's a lovely woman, though I'm not so sure just how long she's been a woman! She looks like a Russian shot- putter in a dress!

Haven't we had a warm year? They say that's why we are having all this flooding, and there's me thinking that all this flooding was down to the rain we've had! I would like to give a big shout out to all the posse at Ayia Napa: I don't know how to spell it and I don't know where it is to look it up. My mate, Cliff, said that I'm a dumb-arse not knowing where I went on me hols, but I just booked it down at Thomson's for two weeks of drink and sex (I have found these two go very well together) So how would I know where it is? I wanted to go clubbing, not flying the bloody plane! I would love to give a big hello to Christian who I met out there, he was such a dream. Christian if you are reading this love, do you have a nasty rash around your groin? If you do, you need antibiotics, trust me it's the only way to get rid of it.

X Factor was so boring this year, it's had it's day, don't you think? I loved Strictly though. I wouldn't mind going on that, you know? I could do with losing a few pounds, as my belly is starting to look like a sporran!

I love Jeremy Kyle though. Is it me, or does he look like Woody off the Toy Story films? Well he looks like Woody with constipation! Why would you call a character from a children's film Woody? The only person I have ever known who was called Woody was a six foot four stripper from Wolverhampton, and he was as camp as a poodle parlour! He was called Woody because of his acting ability, and the fact that he had a dick the size of a rolling pin!

I love the Jeremy Kyle show because no matter how shit you feel it always reminds you that someone else has a life even more shit than yours! There are people on there that have not been identified as a species yet! I like it when they run out on to the stage and threaten to beat someone up. It's always someone with just one tooth and I think, “go on punch him and let him get some dentures, he will look much better”.

When Gez Walsh asked me to write the Queen's message on his blog, he could have written it himself you know. Don't be fooled by all that macho crap he writes. If you look through his DVD's there will be more 'Marley And Me' than Hell's Bridge in there. Anyway, when he asked me to write this blog he said that I should mention stuff about what is happening around the world and about the starving, as if I give a fuck!

All I know is that Donald Trump needs a new hairdresser and people need to stop believing the crap that politicians tell them. Is that political enough? Get me coming over all angry? I know about the injustice in this world, sometimes I have hope that tolerance will rise and things will change, then someone blows up a school because of blind hate. It will take more than Gez and his silly little blog to change this, it will take millions of people to say that they have had enough of bigotry and hatred!

So have a fabulous new year, keep warm keep safe and be happy, but give X Factor a miss next year it's time for a change!

Love Stevie XXX.

Dear Santa

Gez Walsh,

Northern England,

Age..... unspecified!

Dear Santa,

I have just been reading your website and have noticed that there's no age limit to sending you a Christmas present list. I'm so pleased to find this out, because the last time I sent you a list, you left a pile of crap for me which was obviously meant for some very naughty child and not a wide-eyed eight-year-old who had specifically asked you for a full-sized, fully-working Dalek. You mistakenly left me a shitty little plastic suit which was supposed to be a Dalek by mistake!

I am now much older and seem to have a lot in common with you. I'm white of hair and of an unspecified age, and also if my wife had her way, I'm sure that I too would only come once a year! Also, I too would like to help others, so this is the reason why I'm sending you this letter.

This letter is not really for me, because I want you to leave world peace. Now, I know that your big boss, the almighty one, is responsible for quite a lot of these wars ,so I don't want you to get the sack for going behind his back. I'm also aware that there may be others who are asking that you give them victory in a war, so this will also cause conflict for you. So, if you are unable to give me world peace, can you please just let the perpetrators of the wars suffer and not the innocent men, women and children who just want to live their lives in peace.

Also, I have noticed that there are lots of children starving in the world, so could you try to sort this out? I know it's your job to bring happiness to children around the world, and I'm also aware that you only visit the ones who believe in your boss. I know how it works, parents buy the toys and send them to you, for you to deliver! But it has been proven that here in Britain the people who love your visits the most are at the end of the social scale where poverty is a daily routine, Your visit usually causes these people to get loans from greedy types who like to sponsor events using you as a figure head with your safe, wholesome image. These loan sharks place people who can ill afford any debt into total debt, which, if they are lucky, will take a year to pay off, and if not they lose everything with extortionate rates of over 2000%. But then, it would not be fair for me to ask you to help children that may never have heard of you or your boss, and, after al,l there are lots of big multi nationals that want you to bring them a 'bumper' Christmas so they can inflate their offshore tax-free bank accounts even more! So can you just arrange for governments to supply food and aid instead of bombs to the poor and starving for me, please?

I have to say that I seem to have lots of family and friends that are quite ill at this time. Some of these people suffer from life-limiting illnesses, so could you arrange for them to be cured for me please? Now I know that the almighty one gives these illnesses out willy-nilly to innocent children, making them suffer for... well just making them suffer. I know that if people didn't die we would have an even greater problem with over-population. Which could be partially solved by you bringing condoms to parents, well, to those who are not from a certain branch of worship of your boss. I know that you can only work within the confines of your job specification, which is those that can afford get, and those that can't don't. I know that you are not in the miracle industry and that you are only in charge of the consumerism branch of your boss's empire, but could you arrange for at least one week where no bombs are dropped anywhere in the world?  Britain alone spends eight million pounds a night on bombing Syria alone! If  we did this, and all the other bomb-happy countries did the same, then all the money saved could be given to scientists, not pharmaceutical industries, to try find a cure for some of these life-limiting illnesses or even be invested to help alleviate the suffering of some of these people. Because your boss won't listen to their pleas.

I know that this list is hard to sort out for you, because people who could sort all these problems don't seem to be able to, or want to. I know that I'm asking too much of you. I know that you are very busy at this time of year, so if all else fails, could you just bring me some socks and a Pink Floyd album please?

The Land of the Free

I don't like religion. Never have, never will, it's just mind-custard!

I have made this statement so many times that even I'm getting bored hearing it! But, unlike people who do claim to have a God, or a dog, if you're dyslexic, I don't care who you worship as long as you leave me out of the equation!

The majority of people who believe in a God are usually just ordinary people who want to live ordinary lives. They try to use religion to make sense of their emotions and the world around them. Most people who say they believe in a God only go to churches when there's a wedding or a funeral. If these things make them feel better about life, then so be it, as they say. But, as with all businesses, there are the greedy and needy types, the users and abusers. Religious texts are so ambiguous that you can read into them anything you wish. The abusers know this, and use it to their advantage. Mix this with politics, and you have the Middle East!

But now we also have to contend with the great comb-over, Donald Trump! What sort of idiot wants to stop people with different ideologies from mixing? His statement about stopping Muslims from entering America is nothing more than racism! Not all Muslims are fanatical killers! Just like not all Christians are evangelical hate-preachers! I have noticed that he is using the same old crap that a lot of Tories here in Britain use. 'This country was founded on Christian principles', bullshit! America, just like Britain, was founded on invasion, greed and bigotry! Sorry, yes, then maybe they were founded on Christian principles.

The American constitution even says that religion is to be kept separate from the state. It's written into it! This is again trying to appeal to the people who get their opinions from tabloids! I'm always amazed at just how stupid some of the richest people in the world are. They have been to some of the finest schools in the world, and all they seem to lean is how to bully people. Here in Britain, we have a new Labour leader who is trying to offer a different kind of politics, a more caring, more democratic type of politics. But people just can't accept it, claiming he is not a leader. He has given his MPs a chance to vote with their conscience and their continuance, but because they voted against his stance on the bombing, people called him weak? To try to alter politics in the way he is trying to, and to receive the flak he is getting, is not the sign of a weak person, trust me. But it seems people like bullies - someone who will tell you what you should think, and how to vote.

People love the TV show The Apprentice, which I believe is actually fronted by Trump in America. Is it just me that is worried by the level of intelligence shown by some of the contestants on this show? It does, however show you why the banking industry is banjaxed, because it's mainly staffed by morons like these people! I have only watched two episodes of this programme, and felt that I have met twelve year old with far more intelligence than these idiots.

I'm glad to see that there's a petition which has been started to ban Donald Trump from Britain. I know it's just a publicity stunt, but it does show just how stupid his statements are. He is only playing into the hands of Deash, Daesh, that bunch of murdering morons - I think that's what they are called this week. Democracy is the right for all of us to hold the beliefs we choose to hold. If the majority vote for something you do not like, you cannot spit your dummy out about it! Terrorism is spread by fear and ignorance and Trump is doing his best to fan the flames, just to score a few points with his red necked voters!

Finally, When Donald Trump was at school I wonder what happened when the teacher called the register on the morning. I went to a very northern very working class school and if my Teacher had shouted out “Trump” there would have been lots of giggles followed by lots of farting sounds! But then again I suppose that's just what Trump is, a lot of bad wind!

The Grumpy Ewok!

I have written before, how, when my wife and I visit the local supermarket, we have set roles. It is my job to buy the food and the provisions we need to last another week here on this mortal coil, while my wife's in charge of buying the things we don't want or need!

Because it's the season to be jolly (I'm not) and all that, my wife is in charge of buying presents for people we never see or like. But she did say that she wanted a certain present for little Harleigh, so she trotted off and left me to restock our depleted rations. I had spent time walking around the supermarket, picking up goods with far too much packaging around them, when I saw my wife trying to reach a toy on the top shelf. Now Carol is not the tallest of people, so she was trying to jump up to get hold of the said toy. I watched her for a while for my own amusement then walked down the aisle and snatched the toy from the shelf saying, “I'll take that you short-arse!” Then I put the toy in my trolley and walked off without stopping.

This is where this blog should really stop, except that what I didn't know was that while I had been shopping, Carol was being chatted up by a man who was pulling out all the stops to impress her. He had tried to get the toy from the shelf for her but he was unfortunately smaller then her! He would have been under five foot high I guess, plus he was quite plump and of a very hairy disposition! I couldn't help but think "Ewok", when I saw him. If you are not a Star Wars fan, you may not be familiar with Ewoks, the small cuddly creatures that helped fight against... I don't know who they fought against, actually, as I'm not a fan of Star Wars either. All I know is that they were small and hairy just like this diminutive Don Juan who was out to impress my wife.

The problem was that he had gone to find someone to get the toy from the shelf for my wife, who was in turn trying desperately to escape from him! He returned just in time to see yours truly snatching the toy and what to him looked like me insulting Carol.

Carol thanked him for his trouble and started to walk away, he in turn snapped, “I'm not having that!” and stormed off after me before Carol had chance to explain that because she had been a very bad person in a past life she had been married to me as a punishment! I, on the other hand, was not aware that there was an Ewok on the loose that was out to savage me for my unthinking insensitivity.

I did catch a glimpse of him bobbing up and down while stalking me by the fresh fish counter, but gave it no thought. I think he had decided that he might need to some back-up to tackle me, after all if he was to ride off into the sunset with my wife, he had best make sure he didn't make himself look foolish. He was in the store with his friend as it turned out, so off he went to fetch him, I suppose to help him give me a slap!

I entered the bread aisle and was then confronted with my own 'High Noon' albeit in miniature as the Ewok's friend turned out to be a dead ringer for 'Popeye', only he was the same height as his little hairy friend!

“That's him!” snapped the Ewok, pointing to me. I still had no idea what was happening. “I hate clever bastards like him!” he hissed in my direction, and Popeye nodded in agreement. I looked around to see who had upset these two agents of revenge. I was surprised to notice that I was the only person on the aisle.

“Give me that toy!” demanded the Ewok pointing to the Peppa Pig Minibus in my trolley. I was still none the wiser as to what was happening. Though the thought did cross my mind that I was about to be mugged by an Ewok and Popeye for my Peppa Pig!

“I'm sorry are you talking to me?” I enquired, not understanding why I should be in this situation. “Too right I'm talking to you! Give me that toy before I loose my temper and make you sorry that you ever met me!”

Now, there were three things wrong with this situation: firstly, I wasn't aware that I had ever met him. Secondly this was the last Peppa Pig left, so to me this would be like robbing my Granddaughter. But thirdly and most importantly, the sight of the Ewok and Popeye, who was now thumping his fist into his cupped hand, standing there threatening me was just too much for me to take. I burst out laughing. I might have got away with a slight snigger but I'm afraid I started to laugh uncontrollably. I wasn't mocking them as I'm sure they could and would have inflicted severe damage to me, but the whole situation was just too much for me. I have an awful irritating habit of not taking situation seriously, and this has in the past got me into lots of scrapes.

The tiny twosome were about to launch an attack on me when Carol walked in on our bun fight at the O.K Corral asking what the problem was?

“It's OK love, this.. gentleman is about to give you your toy back” replied the grumpy Ewok. 

“He's no gentleman, but he is, unfortunately, my husband, so everything is OK,” replied Carol, trying to calm the situation. 

He turned to Carol with a look of hurt and betrayal written all over his little hairy face, “You're married... to him?” he stammered. 

“Yes, she is,” I added, trying to look indignant while trying not to laugh. “I've got a certificate to prove it!”

The Ewok shook his head and he and Popeye disappeared down the frozen veg aisle. Carol then gave me my usual talk that I always get when I get into trouble without knowing it! You know, why don't I act my age and why do I have to wind people up, that sort of thing. But I can quite honestly say that I was completely innocent this time. Though I did get him to swear at me at the checkout when he looked over to Carol and me. Whenever he looked I put my arm around her and gave her a kiss on the cheek and mouthed the words, “She's my wife she is!” to him.

It can be a dangerous business this shopping thing you know!