The World-Famous Gez Walsh!

Before you start thinking that I'm a conceited, arrogant, halfwit (which I am) for making such a claim, please let me explain the above title.

I have, for a long time, wondered just what the criteria are for being able to make certain claims. I know trading standards and other bodies are there to ensure that things such a pork sausages have at least been in the same room as a pig at some point in their manufacture. But what about other claims?

Many years ago, Morrisons, the supermarket chain, advertised their breakfasts as 'World Famous'. I have put this claim to the test on many occasions, much to the annoyance of my wife. While on holiday in foreign climes I like to mix with locals rather than do the tourist hot spots. While chatting about life in their countries, food, music, literature, and the like, I always drop in the question, “Have you ever had a big breakfast from Morrisons?” I have to say that, over the past ten years of doing this, no person outside Britain knows what I'm talking about. I usually get a blank look, followed by the look that says, 'Oh my God, he has mental health issues!” My wife has usually walked away by that point, shaking her head and calling me names that are best left between her and myself.

This year, while travelling around southern Spain, we got chatting to a lovely French couple. The man's name was Julian, which didn't sound very French to me. He was a chef, and had been for thirty years, so I thought he might be a good person to ask the question of. After telling him that I didn't like eating pig's trotter, something that was forced upon me as a child while visiting grandparents in Ireland, he proceeded to tell me the best way to cook them. I responded with, “Have you ever cooked or eaten a Morrisons world famous big breakfast?” He was intrigued, but it's safe to say that he was probably more confused by my wife calling me a 'Twat'. I have since checked, and Morrisons has dropped the 'World Famous' tag, so I shall stop my investigations.

This week, a young man told me that he loves cooking, and that no one could resist his 'world famous Pinkertons chocolate sundaes'. Pinkerton, by the way, is his surname. The pedant in me had an urge to go on the internet to check out his world famous boast but instead, I asked him to prove that it's world famous. It turns out close family and a couple of friends constitute his world.

I know what you're thinking right now, my wife's assessment of me is one hundred percent accurate.

But these descriptions of things for some reason annoy me, which is unusual because, as an author, I've claimed all sorts of bullshit myself! So can you imagine my surprise when this week I decided to find out just what I have to do to make such a claim as being 'World Famous' .

I had an afternoon free, which was a surprise, as I've been working non-stop for ages now. I have written before about how dangerous me and idleness are. I couldn't think of a way to prove these claims, so I decided to phone trading standards, as they should surely know. I have to say that I was passed to lots of different departments as I don't think my request was being taken seriously, until I was transferred to a man who I seem to have caught off guard. The man whom I spoke to humoured me at first thinking that my medication had worn off but I told him a little lie. (Just a lie, really). Well, I told him two lies, actually. I told him I worked for a publishing company and gave him the name of the company (sorry Steve). Then I told him that we had an author who had had a lot of success (that's not the lie bit by the way) I then told him that this author was about to embark on a tour of Europe (there you go!) and could we claim he was 'world famous' when he (me) came home?

I need to have sold books on at least three continents to be able to claim that I'm 'world famous' according to this man, who, by the end of the conversation, seemed to be losing the will to live. I have proof that my books are sold in Europe, America and both Australia and New Zealand. This means, ladies and gentlemen, and those in-between, that I, Gez Walsh, am legally WORLD FAMOUS!

Now, can I set you your homework? I have read recently in an article that Jedward (correct spelling, though my spell check keeps trying to change it to 'deadwood' which is more accurate!) are on tour. In the article it described these mighty Irish colossuses of art and literature as singer-song-writers? Your mission, should you chose to take it, is to find any evidence of either of these claims.

Signed,

The World Famous Gez Walsh