Adventures With Lipstick and Lycra

The other day when little Harleigh came to stay at ours, it coincided with me having to finish of a bit of work (story of my life). Harleigh is such a quiet, loving child and also very creative. She loves to paint and make things. So I set her up with a few little art projects and got on with my work. As long as you chat to her, she is quite happy to sit and paint all day.

This day, though, she wanted her make up doll. If you don't know what these macabre things are, you are very lucky, as I find them very creepy! They are just plastic dolls' heads stuck on a board, like some warning of what might happen if you pass this way! The heads have long nylon hair and a grin on their face which suggests trapped wind. Harleigh loves to give her doll a full make up, which makes the doll even more creepy looking.

The other day, while playing with the doll she suddenly stopped and looked at me, “Babbo, I think you need some work doing.” She's not the first person to mention this to me. She said this with an innocent smile on her face which said guess what happens next. Yes, that's right, Babbo had a full make over. I thought that the make up she used was children's play make up, not realising that Nonna Carol had given her all her old make up! When she had finished with me I had a face that would have scared Chucky! Using some industrial wipes, I eventually cleaned all the gunk off my face and Harleigh carried on painting her doll's face. She then asked. “Babbo, you want some lipstick to bring colour to your face?" I shrugged my shoulders, as resistance is futile. Harleigh then proceeded to smear my lips with some lipstick that Nonna Carol might have or might have not given her (as she often finds things and claims them as her own). 

Harleigh had just finished my lip works when Nonna shouted in from the kitchen that we needed to go to the shops and that Harleigh needed to clear away her paints. We did this together, and I completely forgot about my new lipstick smeared on my face.

As I walked into the kitchen covered in make up Nonna Carol didn't bat an eyelid or say a word, she just asked if we were ready to go. So we set off to the local shops. To say that I got a few strange looks and a few sniggers aimed at me is an under statement, I had, by now, totally forgotten about my make over. It wasn't until an old lady smiled and asked Harleigh, “That's a lovely job did you do it?” Harleigh smiled and coyly nodded as the old lady asked, “What colour is it?” 

“Peach” answered Harleigh with a look of pride all over her face.

At first I was not sure what they were talking about until the memory of the lipstick came rushing into my brain. I looked at my reflection in the window of the shop, One thing you must realise is that three year olds do not understand the concept of subtle! I had so much lipstick smeared on my face that I looked like a cross between Grimaldi and baby Jane with a hint of the Joker! I tried desperately to wipe the offending gunk off my face only to be told by my wife who was by now sporting an evil grin on her face that the lipstick that Harleigh had used was supposed to be twenty four hour lipstick which is water resistant!

I went to the nearest toilet and managed to remove most of the evil grease off my face but I did have a tinge of peach about me for the rest of the day.

Also this week a friend of mine, who has become obsessed with Triathlon, asked if I would like to go for an extra long bike ride. It has been so long since I rode a bike I thought it might be fun to give it a go, so I borrowed one of his bikes. He also offered me some clothing that he had bought as a job lot. This was serious-looking Lycra, the sort that makes you look good if you live off uncooked food and train for twenty hours a day! But it also make the smallest roll of fat look like a serious hernia!

I tried on the offending garments for a laugh, but I was shocked to find that Lycra shorts actually self-wedgies! It shot up my arse crack as if it had been hoovered up! I also didn't know what to do with my front bottom bits! Should I show them off or hide them? I tried to make them look presentable but they just looked a bank robbers face in tights! Carol came into the bedroom and burst out laughing saying, “ You look like you have a small canary tucked down there!”

Small canary! What does she mean, small canary? A small canary is an egg! Is she saying that my genitals are no bigger that a canary's egg? I would say that if we were to stick to the ornithological theme that we should be comparing things to a bald eagle or at least some kind of hawk, not a fucking canary egg!

Needless to say the Lycra got dumped and I did the bike ride in a a pair of shorts and a tee shirt. It's not been a good week for my self confidence.