How To Book A Cheap Holiday

We are always being bombarded by holiday companies, with adverts for relaxing holidays on some foreign shore, languishing on some sun-kissed beach. The adverts will always show people with young, nubile bodies nonchalantly strolling hand-in-hand against a backdrop of sun and sea.

We all know that holidays can be quite a stressful time, where you can often wonder why you bothered in the first place. Have you packed the right clothing? Will there be enough things to occupy the kids? What if the hotel is half-built or next to a building site, the list goes on! You even start to worry that you may not have turned everything off at home before you set off, leaving you with that feeling that the bath may still be running, and you are currently 36,000 feet in the air unable to turn it off! You know the drill: if you booked the holiday then it's your fault! It's your fault that the taxi to take you to the airport was late! It's your fault that the French air traffic controllers went on strike. It's your fault that the little one has developed diarrhoea and you haven't even left Heathrow yet! It's your fault that the hotel doesn't serve the exact beer/wine/spirits that your other half likes!

All this can be avoided! Just book the holiday, and unless any of your party suffer anything serious just treat the whole episode as a new experience.

There are many ways to book a holiday, online sites, and the tried and trusted high street travel agents are the most popular. Online sites often look always the cheapest, but be careful, lots of them don't show 'live' prices, so a holiday offered at £300 per week may end up as £500 a week and more expensive than your local travel agent. Having said this, the old-fashioned local travel agent is usually the most expensive way to book a holiday. But if you want someone to do all the work for you and look after you while on holiday, then they are your best bet.

Online sites often seem to be selling package deals, but are really just selling you individual parts of a holiday so you don't have the same protection with them that you would with the high street agent selling package deals. You may also pay what you think is a bargain price for a holiday only to receive a phone call to say the price has gone up - this is because they couldn't get the flights they promised or the hotel rooms they originally priced for have been sold. This is a very common occurrence with lots of the cheap and cheerful sites. I must point out that they are completely legal and as long as you read their terms and conditions, you may get a bargain. I have tried every which way there is to book a holiday, I have used the high street agents, online cheap and cheerful, booked direct, booked villas and flights and cars: you name it, I've tried it. But I think I have found, for me, the cheapest way to book.

Firstly when you have decided which country, resort you would like to visit, go online and type in hotels then enter the name of your chosen resort, add a star rating if you wish. When you find a hotel that you like the look of, look it up on Trip Advisor or other such sites. Read the reviews with an open mind, as some of the negative ones are written by people who are merely after their money back. Once you have decided that you have found your perfect hotel in your perfect resort in your perfect country of choice, look up a variety of hotel room booking sites, there are lots to choose from. You can of course book direct with the hotel, but this will usually be more expensive, as the room booking companies will have booked lots of rooms at a competitive price. Try to book your room about five/six weeks before you go as the price will be at its lowest then. You will hear lots of horror stories about using bed booking companies but in my experience when you get bed-bumped (room not available) it is usually the hotel's fault through double-booking, though they will never own up to it. I have used bed booking companies many times and have never, as yet, ever had the slightest problem. My son uses them on a weekly basis because he travels a lot with his work, and he has only ever had one problem after hundreds of bookings and that was his fault! He booked the correct hotel on the correct day on the correct month but typed in the wrong year, so in effect he turned up a year early! I think he gets this from his Mother's side! Before you book, type into the internet "promo codes for..." then type in the company you are choosing to go with, and you may save even more money.

Book your flight direct with the airline, there are lots of good sites you can go on which will show you who is offering the best prices out there. The low-cost carriers often get a bad name but again if you read their terms and conditions they are often the best to travel with if you are only going short-haul. Remember that if they say it will cost you extra if you exceed weight or bag size, and you do either, don't be shocked and outraged when the charge you extra! Again, I have travelled numerous times with a certain low-cost airline which has a reputation for being outrageous with certain policies, as of yet I have had no problems. I would go as far as saying that they are always my first port of call when flying short-haul. Long-haul flights are different: don't go for the cheapest price or you might find that you have three of four stops before you reach your destination which could add another day to your flight! Flying to Asia seems to be the worst for this.

When you reach your destination you will need transport to your hotel. Unless you know of a cheap car hire or taxi firm personally when you arrive, always book before you travel. Again, go online and look up car rentals/ coach or taxi transfers. When you find a company offering what you want at a price you are happy with, again type into the internet "promo code" for the company and you may get even more money off. I have just come back from Spain and got my transfers for half price by doing this.

You will also need travel insurance, DON'T BUY IT FROM A TRAVEL AGENT! This is ALWAYS the most expensive way. Your bank may have cheap insurance deals, or you can use the online comparison sites. ALWAYS declare any long-term illnesses you may have, because if you don't and you fall ill it may make your insurance void.

Finally, have fun, relax, and charge your batteries up, after all it will soon be Christmas!

Adventures With Lipstick and Lycra

The other day when little Harleigh came to stay at ours, it coincided with me having to finish of a bit of work (story of my life). Harleigh is such a quiet, loving child and also very creative. She loves to paint and make things. So I set her up with a few little art projects and got on with my work. As long as you chat to her, she is quite happy to sit and paint all day.

This day, though, she wanted her make up doll. If you don't know what these macabre things are, you are very lucky, as I find them very creepy! They are just plastic dolls' heads stuck on a board, like some warning of what might happen if you pass this way! The heads have long nylon hair and a grin on their face which suggests trapped wind. Harleigh loves to give her doll a full make up, which makes the doll even more creepy looking.

The other day, while playing with the doll she suddenly stopped and looked at me, “Babbo, I think you need some work doing.” She's not the first person to mention this to me. She said this with an innocent smile on her face which said guess what happens next. Yes, that's right, Babbo had a full make over. I thought that the make up she used was children's play make up, not realising that Nonna Carol had given her all her old make up! When she had finished with me I had a face that would have scared Chucky! Using some industrial wipes, I eventually cleaned all the gunk off my face and Harleigh carried on painting her doll's face. She then asked. “Babbo, you want some lipstick to bring colour to your face?" I shrugged my shoulders, as resistance is futile. Harleigh then proceeded to smear my lips with some lipstick that Nonna Carol might have or might have not given her (as she often finds things and claims them as her own). 

Harleigh had just finished my lip works when Nonna shouted in from the kitchen that we needed to go to the shops and that Harleigh needed to clear away her paints. We did this together, and I completely forgot about my new lipstick smeared on my face.

As I walked into the kitchen covered in make up Nonna Carol didn't bat an eyelid or say a word, she just asked if we were ready to go. So we set off to the local shops. To say that I got a few strange looks and a few sniggers aimed at me is an under statement, I had, by now, totally forgotten about my make over. It wasn't until an old lady smiled and asked Harleigh, “That's a lovely job did you do it?” Harleigh smiled and coyly nodded as the old lady asked, “What colour is it?” 

“Peach” answered Harleigh with a look of pride all over her face.

At first I was not sure what they were talking about until the memory of the lipstick came rushing into my brain. I looked at my reflection in the window of the shop, One thing you must realise is that three year olds do not understand the concept of subtle! I had so much lipstick smeared on my face that I looked like a cross between Grimaldi and baby Jane with a hint of the Joker! I tried desperately to wipe the offending gunk off my face only to be told by my wife who was by now sporting an evil grin on her face that the lipstick that Harleigh had used was supposed to be twenty four hour lipstick which is water resistant!

I went to the nearest toilet and managed to remove most of the evil grease off my face but I did have a tinge of peach about me for the rest of the day.

Also this week a friend of mine, who has become obsessed with Triathlon, asked if I would like to go for an extra long bike ride. It has been so long since I rode a bike I thought it might be fun to give it a go, so I borrowed one of his bikes. He also offered me some clothing that he had bought as a job lot. This was serious-looking Lycra, the sort that makes you look good if you live off uncooked food and train for twenty hours a day! But it also make the smallest roll of fat look like a serious hernia!

I tried on the offending garments for a laugh, but I was shocked to find that Lycra shorts actually self-wedgies! It shot up my arse crack as if it had been hoovered up! I also didn't know what to do with my front bottom bits! Should I show them off or hide them? I tried to make them look presentable but they just looked a bank robbers face in tights! Carol came into the bedroom and burst out laughing saying, “ You look like you have a small canary tucked down there!”

Small canary! What does she mean, small canary? A small canary is an egg! Is she saying that my genitals are no bigger that a canary's egg? I would say that if we were to stick to the ornithological theme that we should be comparing things to a bald eagle or at least some kind of hawk, not a fucking canary egg!

Needless to say the Lycra got dumped and I did the bike ride in a a pair of shorts and a tee shirt. It's not been a good week for my self confidence.

 

Sex Educashun!

All the lines in the poem below have been told to me by countless students in the schools that I have visited, all over Britain. The only difference is that I have tried to rhyme them, but I have still tried to write them down as they were told to me.

Half of me finds their innocence quite funny, while the parent side of my brain is horrified that young adults are so unaware of the perils of teenage sex.

I'm a firm believer that young people should be given as much information as possible about sex, it's much better than finding things out the hard way! (No pun intended).

How does a boring old doctor know how I feel?

I talk to my mates, they keep it real!

You can't get pregnant, if you do it standing up,

And you can catch VD from a dirty cup.

You only get pregnant if you're really sloppy,

But if you do it to much your fanny goes floppy!

You can't get her pregnant if you stick it up her bum,

Because the girl's poo kills all your cum!

Toothpaste on the wart makes it go away,

You can only catch AIDs if you're gay.

You can't get pregnant if you keep it brief,

To many blow jobs give you goofy teeth!

You can't have sex more than once a day,

Wearing girls' pants will turn you gay.

When you get VD, you wee out jelly,

Going down on her makes mushrooms grow in your belly!

I know someone whose willy bone broke,

Giving someone a love bite can give them a stroke.

Girls don't masturbate, don't be silly,

How could they when they don't have a willy?

To much wanking makes your hand grow hairs,

It make you go blind, but then, who cares?

I don't need sex education, I know what to do,

I've not done it yet, have you?

The last line was said to me by a young thirteen year old in a school in Lincolnshire. He told me he knew everything there was to know about sex. He then asked me if I had ever had sex, even though he knew that I had a son and had been married for many years. But then I suppose there are people who have been married a long time with children that have never had sex! Well, at least, one of them may not have.