I was talking to someone this week who
likes to holiday in Thailand. If I'm honest, I don't think he goes
there each year to discover the culture and architecture of the
country. I guess the story he told me this week gives away his main reason
for visiting the place, which is really sad!
He said that while on holiday in Thailand, he
visited a bar - and I'm sure this wasn't the kind of bar where you
take your wife for a night of romance. One of the women on stage in
this bar was firing ping pong balls from her vagina. Then she
produced a harmonica and proceeded to play a tune with it using the
same body part. I hope that she cleaned it before she let anyone else
have a go with it!
How on earth did this woman find out
that she had these unusual talents? How bored must this woman have
been to sit at home one day and think, “I wonder if I can fire a
ping pong ball from my fanny?” What on earth then possessed her to
buy a harmonica and try to play Whip Crack Away? How did she
find out that she could do this?
I remember watching the brilliant Idiot
Abroad with Carl Pilkington once. He had met a fakir in India and
the fakir found a small stick and wrapped his penis around it as if
he was rolling up a hose. He then proceeded to hang heavy weights
from his testicles. For Christ's sake, get a job!
What sort of hunger, greed, need or
attention-seeking causes these people to even try such things? It is
a statistical fact that eleven people die each year in Britain
through testing a nine volt battery with their tongue! Just what did
they think was going to happen? I have heard that in Australia and
America people lick certain toads to make them high. I know for a
fact that you can buy alcohol in these countries, so what's with the
toad licking?
I once saw a circus act where a young
man stuck hooks through his nipples then was lifted off the ground by
a winch! It would take a full frontal lobotomy and a case of whisky
for me to even think of such a thing, so how/why did he? There must
be some way of training your nipples to take such a weight. But how
the hell do you train a nipple?
I know that boredom and alcohol are not
the best of bedfellows. Under the influence, my friends and I have
done some very stupid things when we were younger. I have also
witnessed some incredible one-off things while out of my tree on best
bitter. One very late night after a full day of celebrating the
beginning of the weekend, I was sitting in a friend’s kitchen.
Another of our group walked in, and it is safe to say that he had put
his brain to bed a few hours earlier, after drinking tequila
slammers. As he walked into the kitchen someone the worse for wear
picked up a raw egg and threw it at the guy, shouting “Catch!” as
he threw it. The target for some unknown reason opened his mouth and
caught the egg without breaking it. I cannot tell you the number of
times since then that we have all tried to repeat this amazing act of
dexterity - all to no avail, I must add. Though I have to admit the
sight of so many people with literally “egg on their faces” is a
very strange sight indeed.
Another drunken evening one of our
group decided to light a fart. Now I know that lots of men reading
this may think “done that!” but this guy decided to do it in
style. Why he decided to do this is anyone's guess. He got a can of
hairspray and lit the spray from the canister then proceeded to light
his fart with what can only be described as a home-made
flame-thrower. The resulting back draught saw a mushroom cloud not
witnessed since Hiroshima! This cloud of high intensity fire took off
his fringe, his eyelashes and his eyebrows. The flame also set fire
to the sofa he was sitting on. As the rest of the group doused the
flames and checked to see if this idiot needed any medical attention
he just lay on the sofa and said, “Wow, neat!”
Leaving aside the ping pong woman, I
haven't ever come across a woman who gets drunk and does such stupid
stunts. As teenagers we would stand on a car and go car-surfing and
all the girls would walk off in disgust at our stupid infantile high
jinks. I have never seen a woman light her farts, though I'm sure
that there must be some women out there who have tried it...
So if you have a strange talent let me
know, but not if it involves
hurting/harming anyone else. I would also be
interested to find out just how you discovered that you could do
that!
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