I Saw A Mouse, Where?

It had to happen sooner or later. When we moved into the house thirty years ago, it was one of the first things that I asked the previous owners. With the house being situated in the middle of a wood, I suppose we have been very lucky to go so long without encountering one, but now, as Lord Rockingham so eloquently put it, 'There's a Moose Loose Aboot this Hoose!'

It was my wife who first noticed the droppings. Well, it would be her, really. We could have a rogue rhino wondering the house late at night and I wouldn't notice the droppings! It has found a way in to where our waste bin is situated in the kitchen. My wife's OCD means that everything has since been bleached beyond the call of duty! I don't want to kill the little blighter, so I have set a humane trap for it. The problem is I think we have a mouse with the intellect of a particle physicist and the cunning of a second hand car salesman in Kabul! No matter what I bait the trap with, it blatantly ignores it as if to tease me. I have tried all types of food stuff but it just isn't bothered. We have now baited the trap with chocolate as we have been told that mice have the same tastes as pubescent girls!

This tiny little beast has outsmarted me at every turn so far. I'm one step away from building a small mouse bar with neon lights saying 'this way' and hiring a female mouse in stockings and lipstick to entice him with, “Hello big boy, love you long time!” But I have a sneaky feeling that he will be the only gay mouse on the planet, just to piss me off!

I know sooner or later we will have a showdown, our OK Corral so to speak. But I suspect I won't be one of the Earp brothers. I reckon he will get the drop on me and then probably take the rest of my family out. I'm happy to share my home and food with him but he has to realise that I answer to a higher force, my wife! He should wise up and come out quietly with his hands up because if she decides to take matters into her own hands, there will only be one winner, and it won't be him!

I know why we have him though; we invited him in a way. We started to put bird seed out for the birds so Harleigh my Granddaughter can see all the wild life, She loves the squirrels, the badgers, and all the birds. She's not keen on spiders, or 'piders' as she calls them, or 'ARGH kill it!' as my wife calls them.

I don't know how she will react if she accidentally bumps into our new lodger. She's strange about certain animals, while she loves others. She will run from a small spider, but happily hold a lizard or a snake. I know if my wife bumps into it, it will be a case of mouse meets pan!

I have tried to placate my wife by telling her that we are lucky only to have little mice and foxes going through our bins. In other countries, they have venomous snakes, polar bears, black bears, raccoons and monkeys invading their living spaces, but hopefully not all at the same house! She told me she doesn't give a toss, that's their problem not hers! I told you, this mouse has met its nemesis in my wife. During the day she's a gentle, caring pillar of society, but by night she's a pan-wielding vermin killer. She wants me to set traps that will kill my little nightly intruder, but I just want to relocate him to somewhere he will be more appreciated. My argument is that there's space for us all and he's just trying to get by, just like us. Only he seems to be better at it than me!

So, if anyone has any ideas, that don't involved decapitating my little adversary, on how to get rid of him, I shall be more than interested to hear them. I have taken to cleaning up his droppings so my wife thinks he's gone. See what I mean? See how clever he is? The little bugger now has me cleaning up his crap for him!