UKIP Are Just all Xanadu?

UKIP are lots of things, but they are mainly a so-called political party representing "little Britain", that focuses on one issue, while ignoring the important issues. I am beginning to think that they are employed by the Tories to whip the great unwashed up into a frenzy over one single issue, and keeping them amused, while leaving the Tories to systematically dismantle the country piece by piece. That's enough about them!

I only mention this because the above title was shouted out this week by a wonderful old woman. She had taken to the streets of Halifax, a small Yorkshire town, to start her own political party. She had a microphone which wasn't turned on or plugged into anything. She was wrapped against the cold, biting Northern weather, with many layers of clothing. She wasn't a glossy politician type with many spin doctors. To be honest the only spin doctor I think she used was cider! But even though she was as mad as a box of frogs and people laughed at her malapropisms and her conspiracy theories, I think I fell in love with her. She had passion (most of it drink-induced) but it was a passion that at one time, I think, had reason behind it.

But the thing that I couldn't work out was the line about UKIP? What did she mean, 'Xanadu'? I checked to make sure that she wasn't actually Olivia Newton John, fallen on hard times, then I did something I really should stop doing, I went over to talk to the mad woman.

She must have been in her seventies, but drink and cigarettes have a habit of doing makeovers on the face, leaving the victim looking many years older than their true age. When I approached her, people stopped to look on and see just what I was going to do, I think they were hoping that I would do something cruel to her for their own amusement. Before I could open my mouth the old lady turned on me, accusing me of killing innocent children in Africa! I wasn't aware that I had done this. Before she could accuse me of the Holocaust as well, I quickly said, “Why do you think UKIP are Xanadu?” This threw her at first then she blurted out, “You a fucking UKIP supporter then?”

I assured her that was as far from the truth as you could get, so she seemed to physically mellow in front of my eyes, and asked me if I had any cigarettes. I seem to spend my life buying homeless types cigarettes. I promise you, I'm not trying to kill off the homeless, we already have a government that does that for us! I told her that I didn't smoke, and she looked rather peeved at this, so I nipped into a nearby shop and bought her ten cigs.

She then went on to explain her views on life and politics. Some I have to say, were not as mad as you would think. Having a northern Parliament, lowering the voting age, and re-nationalising certain industries were for me all quite good ideas. Building alien landing strips on the north Yorkshire moors and banning curry were not! The curry thing wasn't a racist slur by the way, quite the opposite. She thought it altered our view of the Asian continent. “We don't see it as a wide and diverse culture, but only as a Vindaloo!” is what she said. The thing I loved about her was her obvious intelligence coupled with her use of malapropisms. She told me that when she was going through the menopause her doctor had refused to give her HIV patches! And that politics was 'fucked up' when Lionel Blair got into power. I wish Lionel Blair had got into power: he might have done a better job!

I love malapropisms. As I get older, because of my dependence on 'spell check' and my lack of interest in checking the pieces of work that I send people, I seem to have fallen into this trap. I don't use them (that much) when speaking, but also my failure to admit my need of wearing glasses as I get older, means that my written work is often littered with many an unintentional 'malapropism'.

While doing my radio show one day, (Radio Phoenixfm 96.7fm, Wednesdays 2 till 4 pm) I quickly tried to send my wife a text in-between tracks. I have to say that, with my failing eyesight, the radio studio is the worst place for me. There is something about the lighting in there which leaves me unable to read things. My wife works shifts, so I had sent her a text asking if she had had a good shift. I received a text back saying that I was, “one sick bunny!?” I didn't understand why my wife would reply in this way so I re-read the text that I had sent her. It read, “Have you had a good shit?”

I had missed out a crucial 'F' (story of my life).

My wife is also prone to the odd malapropism herself. We were once on holiday and a young local woman started up a conversation with us. This young woman was very pleasant and quite informative about the attractions on offer locally. But no matter what she said, we couldn't help but notice that she was sporting a beard that any Imam would be proud of. We saw the same woman again just before we were due to fly back home and couldn't help but notice that the beard had gone. Her face was red and there were tiny dots along her chin so she hadn't shaved but had work done to remove the offending chin covering. We chatted with the lovely person then said our goodbyes. As we walked away, my wife whispered to me, “She's had that Electrolux treatment!” I did explain to my wife that unless she had booked an electrical appliance company specifically to come along and give the poor woman a facial, the lady may have had electrolysis treatment!

I do urge readers of this blog to stop and chat to people that you would normally run away from, the mad and the sad. As a writer, I find these people have a wonderful view of life coupled with, usually lots of pain and misery but you can learn a lot from them. If you are still wondering, by the way, why the old lady thought that UKIP were all Xanadu, well it turns out that she was trying to say "xenophobic"!