Descending Into A Semi-Skimmed, Fat-Free Hell!

I have been married for so long now, that if my wife and I were buildings, we would surely qualify for listed status! I have noticed over the years that the food we buy is becoming more and more toxic to me. Don't get me wrong: as far as I know, my wife isn't trying to cash in the insurance policy yet, though you never know! It's just that our fridge and cupboards are becoming stocked with more and more semi-skimmed or fat-free products!

The phrase 'semi-skimmed' is another way of saying 'flavour removed'. Fat-free means 'added sugar'. They are all a con, trust me. If you buy Weight Watchers bread, it states that it has fewer calories in than other loaves. This is, of course, true, but do you know what little bit of magic they do to make the bread less calorific? They make smaller slices! Not only do they give you less bread but they charge you more for the luxury of being conned.

Since my wife decided that we should buy over-priced, second rate food, she has started to frown about my liking for cooked breakfasts and pies! She has even gone as far as to suggest that we buy vegetarian bacon! This is like suggesting to Nigel Kennedy that he should pack in the violin and take up the stylophone! The only man that was famous for playing the stylophone is now in prison. It started with a harmless tune on an electric instrument, and led to paedophilia! So can you imagine to what depravities I could sink if I were to be force-fed 'VEGETARIAN BACON?' She also thinks that pies are the work of the devil! If there were a devil, then surely he would be trying to stop people from enjoying the splendour and beauty of a pork or steak pie? I do admit that there are some dodgy pies out there, some that have unidentifiable meat products in them, or others that are... FAT FREE!

I only eat pies a couple of times a month, so to stop me from this little bit of enjoyment is tantamount to cruelty! To leave me devoid of pies surely is against the Human Rights Act? But we must ask why my wife is so keen that I substitute one type of unhealthy food for another? It's because she's under the mistaken belief that by following health fads that are usually promoted by unscrupulous multi nationals, this will somehow make me live longer, though the reason she wants me to live longer is open to suggestions!

I don't want to bore you any more about my sports: suffice to say that I have been a semi-professional athlete in the past. I still train regularly and I'm quite knowledgable about all types of diets. The only way to keep healthy is to eat a varied diet, eat little and often, and work out: that's it! I don't care who said what diet does what, it is just a short-term fix. Lots of veg, a little white meat and plenty of fish is the best diet. You need fat, and carbs to live a healthy life. I don't care who says this is not, it is true! You don't need any processed food, and eating things such as a full English breakfast or a pie from time to time is fine, just don't make them the focal point of your diet.

The problem with lots of people is that they will do anything to lose weight, and I mean anything, from consuming poisons to eating tape worms. They will take tablets bought off the internet, yes they will do anything... except eat properly and exercise. The study of foods and their effects is a relatively new science, and new things are discovered all the time. Having said this, people in the Mediterranean and Japan have always lived long lives, there is a reason for this - their food and lifestyles.

Olive oil has been proven to be very beneficial to people's health. It was thought that it was because it is a mono saturated fat, but when trials were performed using rapeseed oil, another mono saturated fat, it had no benefits at all. So scientists are still none the wiser about just what it is in olive oil that is so good for us. Trials have proven that taking just a tablespoon of olive oil a day is enough to help you lose weight. But you still have to eat healthily, and this doesn't mean living off raw veg, or salads! Eat what you want, just in small portions. Remember that you need fat in your diet - it's actually very important.

We all have a taste for things that are our downfall, mine is salted peanuts, I'm sure they put heroin in them! Once I start eating them, I just can't stop! Luckily for me I don't have a sweet tooth, but I do like a lot of the Italian desserts. I just don't eat them that often.

So, to my wife and others who try to convince me of their fad diets, in the words of Bart Simpson, “eat my shorts!”

On Your Marx!

Because I write comedy for a living, I'm often asked who my favourite comedians are. There are certain comedians who I find funny now such as Lee Mack, and Sean Locke. You can't mention comedy without naming Billy Connolly, who is a comedy genius.

You see that is another problem, the title 'genius' is banded about and given to lots of people who don't deserve it. Spike Milligan is often given this label, and to some extent he was, but he was just mad and said whatever came into his head, even though some of it was excruciatingly embarrassing, yet some of it was funny. People don't realise that Eric Sykes wrote quite a lot of the Goons material but never received the credit for it. Tommy Cooper wasn't funny, neither was Bruce Forsythe and all the other music hall comedians that only had ten minutes' worth of material that they used for all their careers. Honest, they did the same act, that's why most of them wouldn't go on TV, because everyone would see their act and they would be ruined.

I know that this is neither political or correct but Benny Hill was funny! He was sexist and racist, but everyone was back then. I'm not justifying either racism or sexism, but Benny thought out his gags and they weren't as blatant as people think they were, most were quite clever. The problem is that the PC brigade show his most dodgy stuff over and over. Read Spike Milligan's war memoirs if you really want to see racism used in comedy, but he is part of the institution. Another comedian of that time who was a comedy genius was Dave Allen; his stuff still stands the test of time and is still funny. He was an Irish comedian who didn't tell Irish jokes but laid into the Catholic church, this at a time when it was unheard of, to mock religion.

It's hard now for people to appreciate the pioneers of comedy such as Buster Keaton or Charlie Chaplin, who I have to say I didn't ever find funny. Keaton was a deadpan comic and very funny whereas Chaplin seemed to repeat the same gag in each movie. Laurel and Hardy were geniuses, well at least Stan Laurel was. Stan was also British, coming from Ulverston in Cumbria. He wrote nearly all their material, but it wouldn't have worked without Oliver Hardy. Hardy, by the way, was related to Lord Nelson's Hardy - you know, the one to whom Nelson uttered the famous line, “Kiss Me Hardy”? There was also a double act that most people have forgotten from the forties called Abbott and Costello. When I was a kid I used to watch reruns of their movies and I have to say that if they were cartoons they would have been the Warner Brothers to Laurel and Hardy's Disney. They were quite cutting edge at the time and very funny. You may have heard the sketch, 'Who's on first base?' That was their most famous sketch.

But for me, the true comedy genius was Groucho Marx. I know he was famous for chasing very young women, and his older brother Chico was an ardent gambler and frequently lost all his money, forcing his brothers to make films they didn't want to make just to pay off his debts. Harpo, the manic one on screen, was a quiet, studious family man off screen. I have the complete collection of all their films, and as with all works of art, you see something different every time you watch them. Groucho is so fast with the quips that you miss most of them first time round. I have to say, though, that most of the films don't stand the test of time. But Groucho went on to make a living on TV in America with a show called 'You Bet Your Life'. Look it up on Youtube  - it is still as funny today as it was back then. Look out for the 'Gonzalez, Gonzalez' episode. Most of the out-takes were as funny as the late night comedy shows that are aired today.

Groucho was a genius of comedy, who knew how to work an audience. Most of his comedy came from his deep insecurity about life. He was famously prudent with money and had a deep fear of being left penniless. While away on holiday this year one of the books that I read was his autobiography, which he wrote in 1959. Someone bought me this book years ago and I just never got round to reading it. I have to say it was an eye-opener to how tough it was for the brothers, who all could look after themselves. They came from a rough neighbourhood and often carried weapons, if you owed them money they didn't send in the bailiffs they turned up, tooled-up, and always left with what they were owed. Having said all this the book was very funny, and a very enjoyable read about a true comedy genius!

'Cameron Builders' We Out-Cowboy Buffalo Bill!

Whenever there's a disaster anywhere in the world, it is the job of all insincere politicians to turn up and look shocked, before being flown off for a buffet lunch somewhere warm.

The problem with all disasters the world over is that they are only newsworthy for a few days, if you are lucky, you may get a week's coverage from them. Politicians know this, that's why they are keen to get there for their photo opportunity before the story goes cold. They make a few very vague promises, before moving on to the next photo opportunity. The people in the area where the disaster has taken place usually feel abandoned and alone, which they usually are. New Orleans in America is a prime example of this. Lots of media cover when the levees broke. There were cameras from all over the world filming the disaster. There were lots of vague promises made by the "suits" but the city is still suffering years after. The people, like all people in these situations, are resilient and carry on the best they can. The worst affected are always the poor, as they lose everything they have, sometimes thinking they have insurance, only to find what the large print giveth, the small print taketh away!

I live in Yorkshire. If you're from London, you may not know where this area is. It is the largest county in Britain, but it might as well be in Narnia, from the response of the government. No matter how much the Cameron protests about the north-south divide, it's true. Look at any research, be it on education, employment, health, infrastructure - all fare far worse in the north than the south. This is an indisputable fact! All the people who work in these industries in the north are good at what they do but have to do it on a shoestring budget, while money is pumped into the south east!

We have had terrible floods here in north, and the Calder Valley, near to where I live, has been hit particularity badly. Cameron arrived as usual in his green wellies and pseudo-farmer's clothing, looking all concerned. When asked by local newsmen what he was going to do about this disaster he answered, “Of course our thoughts go out to the people affected by this terrible disaster at this time.” When pressed again about what he was going to do he replied, “We know it's important to get things up and running as soon as possible, I have spoken to a family who were completely flooded out, they have been taken to a centre for warm food at this moment. I would like to praise our services who are working around the clock in adverse conditions to help people at this time.” What? When he was again pressed about what he was going to do, he declared that they were going to spend another thirty million on flood defences, The newsman, for some reason didn't ask him if this money was already earmarked in the budget to be spent this way because it's such a small amount of money to be spent on such an important project. There has been £200 million already spent on revamping St Pancras station and hotel in London, yet he can only spend £30 million on stopping people's lives from being blighted in the north! He was also not asked just where the £30 million was to be spent, was this just in Calderdale near where I live, or York which is famous for flooding, or in Cumbria, Northumbria or is the £30 million for all of the north, which I suspect is the case.

How much money did they find to bail out the banks? How much money do they have to bomb innocent people abroad? If there was something in this for his cronies, he would bend over backwards to see there was money pumped into it. Just how hard have the Tories campaigned for the new HS2 train line? Who is going to benefit from this? Working class people who won't use it or won't be able to afford it, or rich investors who will get land for free and government backing for their investments? Yet all they are planning to spend to help the very people they are in power to serve is a measly £30 million.

Because lots of the people that have been affected here in Calderdale have been flooded before, they cannot get any insurance, so they are now faced with clean-up bills they can't afford. I can't imagine just what these people must feel at this moment in time. Having to watch the weather forecast each day, hoping for a break. Bridges have been ripped apart by the torrents, schools have been closed, and now the cameras have gone. Having said all this, wherever there is misery, light often shines. People have come together to help those affected. Concerts, donations, schools, pubs, businesses have all gathered together to try do what the government should be doing, helping the people in need. I shall take off my cynical head for now as people really do need a helping hand so they need to take help from wherever it comes. I too would like to help: I am after all the poet laureate for Calderdale so along with Joel Duncan the young Poet laureate for Calderdale I hope to go into schools that have been affected by the flooding and get young people to write about their experience. My publishers have kindly agreed to publish the work of the students and we shall sell the book, all profits going to the flood appeal.

The book, hopefully, will be called 'Floods Of Tears And Laughter' So please, if you can afford it, when it comes out in March, buy a copy because, unlike Cameron's promises, this is a small gesture that we hope can make a big difference.