Santa Claus, The Truth! Inaccurate Histories.

Yes, he's done it again, but, this time, the police have video evidence and say they will charge him.

But meanwhile, professor Noah Ideas from North Dewsbury University has uncovered ground-breaking evidence about Santa Claus.

Many people have doubted that Santa was a real person. Some say he was a Turk who saved children from death, while others think he was a composite of a few eastern European saints. Some foolish people even think it's their own fathers leaving the presents!

But professor Noah, while doing extensive studies over a large latte and a dunking doughnut, stumbled across the truth: Santa was actually a door-to-door salesman from Chipping Sodbury!

He was called Steve Nicholas, and it was just a quirk of fate and cheap ink that led to the story that we now know about Santa.

It all started when the sod-berry harvest of seventy-six failed. The professor explains; the sod-berry, as the name suggests, was used as a powerful suppository, and was harvested each September. But the harvest of seventy-six suffered from the Haemorrhoidia blight, which wiped out the crop. So, rather than starve, Steve Nicholas bought a few cheap toys and sold them door to door.

This didn't go to well at first, until by chance he met a man called Virgil Arkwright, who owned a dog called Argos. Between them they came up with a new ground-breaking plan to sell toys by mail and have then delivered by Virgil's dog, Argos. But they soon ran into problems, as Argos turned out to be dyslexic and couldn't read the addresses. With lots of complaints about undelivered toys. the authorities were soon after the couple of entrepreneurs, so they fled to Poland. It was there that they met what would eventually become the rest of their team.

While they were eating out one night, a group of travelling performers entered the café looking for work. They were a bunch of chorus boys, Dancer, Prancer and a girl named Vixen, and were led by a husband and wife team. He was a Viking known as Rudolph the Red and his wife was called, 'Shut up or you'll get a slap!'

After they were all introduced, they swapped stories and Rudolph thought he may be of help to them. He explained that he had a friend called Randolph Scott who was working on a teleporting machine powered by hamsters, and they could send their toys to houses using this!

So they set up shop and all went into business together, with Steve at the helm.

The chorus lads would do the packing and Randolph, or Scottie as he was known, would to the teleporting; Steve would do the marketing, and Rudolph would be the PR man.

They built a warehouse and soon found that Virgils dog, Argos, though it couldn't read, recognised numbers. So using only little blue pens that they had bought as a cheap batch they wrote out numbers for the orders and Argos would go and fetch anything they wanted.

It wasn't long before competitors such as Walter Mart (known to his friends as Wal Mart) wanted to know the secret behind their success; they had to hide what they were doing and it was a returned package that gave Rudolph the idea.

They couldn't give away the secret of Scottie's teleporting machine and the Argos system, otherwise they would be out of business. But when, one day, a parcel had been returned, they noticed that the writing on the parcel with the cheap ink from the blue pens had run.

What had originally said;

Sent a Class.

From Steve Nicholas.

North Poland.

Now actually read;

Santa Class

From St Nicholas

North Pole.

People were baffled as to how the toys appeared and thought they were being sent by a saint in the North Pole. But who was this Santa Class Or Santa Claus as he was now being called? And how did he deliver the toys?

It was after an argument with his wife that Rudolph came up with his plan. They were arguing about the weather; his wife was saying that it was sleeting outside, while Rudolph argued that it was raining. This went on for over an hour until Rudolph, trying to keep his temper, blurted out , “It's not sleet trust me! Rudolph The Red knows rain dear!”

It was then he had a brain wave, they would tell people that they lived in the north pole and have a team of elves working for them packing and then the mysterious Santa Claus would deliver them on his sleigh pulled by reindeer. Led by none other than Rudolph the Red !

The plan worked so well that they soon found they could fulfil all their orders in just one day.

Steve later married Vixen, and still to this day their children carry on the tradition, and no one has ever found out their head office or the teleporting machine.

Some people have mocked this theory saying that it's all just made up by a cheap and puerile mind!

But the professor responded that he would stake his doctorate, which he bought on e bay, that it's true, saying, “The Argos system is still the best; why there are no more shops using this is beyond me? If only people knew about Argos, it would be the end of shopping as we know it. He then added "The evidence is all there on the internet”.

Happy Negative Nativity!

So, here it is again; the festival of over-indulgence. It is supposed to be a happy time of year, although for lots of people it's one of the loneliest and unhappiest times of the year, but what is it all about?

I know the nativity story of ickle baby cheeses and all that. Which is a story that is far older than the Christian belief, and attributed to lots of other mythical people (see previous blogs). The festival itself is a mixture of Christian and pagan beliefs, and the Christmas we now know is of German descent, brought to us by Queen Victoria.

So although we claim it's about the birth of the son of God, it isn't really!

Talking of the big 'G' I watched a programme on TV the other night where pseudo-intellectuals discussed the evidence and the meaning of God. They called themselves thing like 'Spiritual Thinkers' Theologians' and my favourite, 'The Movement for Enlightenment?'

Most of these people have moved away from the religious aspect of God, as they have realised that it is becoming more and more impossible to defend the notion of religion. They know you can't claim to be a supreme intelligence if you punish people for not worshipping you. Some still hold on to the idea of a personal God while others have realised that even this is impossible to defend intellectually, so they now have moved to arguing for the concept of a God.

What is spirituality? Is it awareness of one's self with the environment? With the universe? Or getting closer to a mythical being? Why are they "enlightened" because they believe in an unproven theory that would be thrown out of any court as nothing more than hearsay and conjuncture!

If we hadn't had these "enlightened" thinkers throughout history, man would have landed on the moon hundreds of years before he did. Without God, we wouldn't have had so many wars and persecution and famines that we have suffered throughout the ages.

As for a personal God that hears your prayers, a friend of mine told me about this only this week. Her nephew was involved in an horrific accident which left him with a serious head injury. It was touch and go whether he lived or not, for a while.

The medics put him in an induced coma to give his brain time to heal while they operated on him. He was then placed into intensive care where he received round the clock medical care. My friend is a Catholic and they all prayed daily for him to be returned to them safely.

She told me of the joy of the miracle when he opened his eyes and spoke going against all the odds. She told me that even the surgeons had gone to the chapel to pray for him after the operation (I find that a worry).

So there you have it! Proof that God listens and answers your prayers, there it is. Excepts for the millions of people in the third world who he turns a deaf ear to. The ones that pray each day for him to save their children that are dying for want of a sachet of rehydration salts worth no more than a couple of pence. What about the people with cancer who are dying a slow and painful death? Why does anyone need to die? If this young man had had his accident in Africa, the outcome would have been very different. The miracle that was performed was the miracle of modern medicine.

But that is, for the enlightened ones, too mundane an explanation, and of course I would say that, as I'm not on their level of understanding. And that science is backing up their beliefs with things such as 'intelligent design'. If anyone tries to explain this theory to you, you have my permission to smack them, hard! It's even worse than believing in God! 

While I'm on this subject, why do the Spiritual brigade describe people like me as cynical? Not that it's a bad thing, to question everything and accept nothing that can't be proven. I go along with this, and agree that yes I am cynical about their juvenile beliefs: they don't like to be described as 'gullible' but I'm afraid if you look up the word in a dictionary, that's what they are! 

I know that this blog is not an in-depth look at religion or God. I know that some of the 'Enlightened Ones' are very eloquent and put across very important views on life and philosophy, but true awe and wonder surely goes to the ideas of physicists! These people are taking the human race out into space, and helping mankind to develop at a faster rate than has ever been possible. But I digress.

I think that Christmas now is all about commercialism, and I'm supposed now, at this point, to say this is a bad thing, but it's not.

Anything that gets the economy going is good, People who borrow money and get into debt for Christmas are very foolish, but if everyone just bought just one thing extra, this is I think good, it helps to stimulate growth, then we all benefit.

For me, this time of year is a children's festival, a time to celebrate youth and innocence and catch up with friends. The story about the young man who had the unfortunate accident was told to me by a friend over lunch a couple of days ago. We hadn't seen much of each other over this year but we caught up for Christmas. I have had drinks with and conversations with lots of people who I really should spend more time with, and all this just because it's Christmas!

So who ever your God is, whether you believe or not I would like to wish you a happy Christmas and a very peaceful, prosperous but most of all happy new year!

Video of World Record Attempt by Gez Walsh

See the full version here!

or watch it on Youtube!

 

I'm Les Miserables!

I have recently been watching a documentary on staging musicals in the West End. The programme was a fascinating insight into just how much work goes into staging these theatrical spectaculars. It also shows you just how much money is spent on the production.

I have, in the past, staged productions in the theatre, but nothing on the scale of these musicals. As the man in charge, I can tell you that it's a lot of hassle and pressure, especially when things go wrong.

I remember one incident when Elaine, my co-producer, and myself walked into the theatre on the day of the production and within two minutes of walking through the door of the auditorium, Elaine received a phone call from one of the main acts, saying they were unable to make the show! Trust me when I say I developed instant Tourette's!

When so many people depend on you and so much money is at stake, I can't imagine what sort of pressure some of these producers are under.

But having said all this, I just don't get it! None of it! Musicals are, for me, tuneless, camp and dull. I know millions of people love them; my brother and his wife visit London regularly to go to see the latest musical extravaganza. I know lots of people who would love to be able to see one of these camp-fests but don't have the finances. I have the finances, but not the slightest interest.

I do have to confess that when I was very young I saw the film musical, `Singing in The Rain ' on TV and really enjoyed the 'Make 'em Laugh' routine with Donald O’Connor - and that was only because he ran up a wall. But that's about it for me.

Andrew Lloyd-Webber's stuff, leaves me feeling cold. I find the production of the pieces that I've seen extremely over the top and camp and I find the music tedious.

I also watched a documentary on the history of the musical, 'Les Miserables' and though this was really interesting, the musical wasn't. Which is a shame, because the book by Victor Hugo, who was the French equivalent of Charles Dickens, was a masterpiece.

So why don't I like the musicals? I love a good story, I love music, I even like a few operas, but I just don't get musicals.

While I'm on the subject of operas, many years ago I went to watch a production of Puccini's `Madame Butterfly'. During the performance, the lead female character, Cio-Cio San asks the lead male character, Pinkerton, to guess her age. He starts off at twenty years old and works down to seventeen. Cio-Cio replies, “No I'm fifteen”. It was then that someone from the audience shouted out, `lying cow!'

Can you imagine my shock on discovering that it was me that had shouted it out? I thought it but didn't realise that I had said it. I was quite pleased to hear it get a big laugh though more than can be said for the fifty-seven year old Cio-Cio, who flicked me the finger!

Why don't these operas try to get someone that could at least pass for ten years older than the character they are trying to play. And putting on a black wig and a kimono and painting the side of your eyes, doesn't hide the fact that you are a sixteen-stone granny from Russia!

Another thing about operas is that when someone gets knifed, they sing as they die. I have had the misfortune to witness quite a lot of violence in my time, but never once have I seen anyone sing as they die!

But for me some operas have some fantastic tunes, you can enjoy them even if you don't understand what they are saying. 

Lots of people know tunes from operas such as Carmen without realising it, and I love the chorus of the Hebrew Slaves from Verdi's `Nabucco'. But I don't think I could tell you one song from a musical - I'm sure if someone mentioned one, I would know it but they don't stand out.

One last thing before I go and pour myself a drink. If Giuseppe Verdi lived in England he would be called Joe Green; doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?

China: The Waking Dragon

When we here in Britain think of China, most of us don't think of a powerful country, steeped in history and culture. Unfortunately, most people only think about China as take-away food and kung fu!

What people don't realise is that this very diverse country has always been way ahead of the rest of the world.

In 7500 BC they had domesticated pigs and by 4000 BC they had writing, in the form of the 'Banpo script'. The country was unified by the warring emperor Qin Shi Haung in 2500 BC while we here in Britain were still living in caves. The country took its name from this emperor.

We in the west still think of China as a third world backwater, but it is now one of the biggest economies in the world, if not the biggest; even America is in debt to China! The world is changing and changing fast; it won't be long before countries like India, China and once again Russia will call the shots, while we here in Britain revert to being the tiny little island that we are.

The problem that China has and will have for years to come is its outdated ideology about human rights. It's safe to say they won't win any Nobel peace prizes for this any day soon. Life there is still regarded as cheap and can be short and brutal. But lots of the people know nothing about this.

But then we here in the west think we are well informed and we are, but we, too, are only informed about what the powers that be want us to know.

Of course the country is still going through lots of reforms and will have to do this for decades to come, but once the dragon has woken it will not sleep again! We in the west will have to get used to paying more for our goods, but technology will leap forward and of course they will enter the space race and once again benefits will come to us all from this.

In the seventies, while I was learning martial arts, I lived with a Chinese family here in Britain for quite a while. They taught me lots of things, but the one thing I really wanted to learn was the language - it is so alien to my ears that I found it very difficult. I would still love to learn the language, but I think I would have to spend time there and I can't see that happening for a while.

The reason that I'm telling you this is because a friend of mine who is a head teacher worked out there in the education system for a while. She was at times shocked and at times fascinated by their system, she said the students were respectful and keen to learn, but the discipline was scary at times. But they got the desired results- so who has the best system?

Teachers here are not teaching students a subject, they are just training them to pass an exam! This is not education, just training for an event. League tables and OFSTED have stripped teachers of their right to instil a love of a subject into keen young minds.

Britain is falling further and further behind the rest of the world in education, but we still carry on with this mind-numbing view that education can only be measured by exams! People learn in different ways and at different times of their lives I'm a testament to that. I was an 'A' grade student at primary school and an 'A' grade arsehole at secondary school. But, later, I went on to get an education in my twenties, having been written off by everyone!

I now write comedy for a living and I also visit school all over Britain and aboard to use comedy to help encourage young people to see the value of education. 

 

And I would love to visit schools in China to see what their system is like -  and maybe they can teach me to speak their language while I'm there! Any offers?

Inaccurate Histories 3: Mythology

Once again, radical professor Noah Ideas from Dewsbury University has uncovered previously unknown startling evidence.

While reading about the one true god, Zeus, he was startled to find that Zeus had a brother! His brother was a god of cleanliness and frozen foods, and he was called Zanussi.

It is known that Zanussi’s followers wore white robes and were known to do good deeds; this is why he became known as the god of white goods.

Also uncovered were two gods who became lovers, and have given of themselves to lovers the world over ever since.

Herpes was the god of embarrassing conditions; he had thought that he could never find true love until one night out alone he caught Chlamydia. She was the Goddess of undetected illness and fell from a bridge but was caught by the passing Herpes. They made love that night, and it’s safe to say that they gave each other a night neither would ever forget! They wanted to pass on their happiness to the mortals, and it’s safe to say that, ever since, devotees who have embraced the gods Herpes and Chlamydia have all had nights they can’t forget.

Other gods were jealous of the young lovers and tried to split them up. Verruca, the goddess of bathing and her lover Viagra (who was a builder, and became famous for his unexpected erections) decided to do away with the young lovers. They hired the winged assassin Anitbioticos to kill them. He succeeded in killing Chlamydia, but his poison darts had no effect on Herpes. It is said that to get his revenge, Herpes now waits for Viagra’s erections to appear so he can strike and leave his mark.

Professor Noah has also uncovered evidence that the Norse god of thunder had a speech impediment and that his real name was Eric! But it has been proven that he was very clumsy with his mighty hammer and would often hit his thumb!  While wincing in pain after the event he would show the injured digit to people and say ‘It’s Thor’ and people would fall about laughing asking him to say `sore' again, until eventually, the name stuck.

Also the Norse God of unfathomable puzzles, Ikea, was discovered last week by the professor.

This god built useful objects. but then would torment mortals by taking them to pieces and asking mere men to rebuild them. It has been known for men to go insane while trying to perform what looked to be one of these simple tasks.

The god Ikea was so fond of puzzles and tormenting mankind that he would also send them meat balls then drive men crazy when they tried to work out just what animal they had been made from.

People have argued that Zeus was not the one true god and that their god was the one true god and they can prove it because they read it in a book!

But the professor disagrees, saying `I think Zeus was a powerful god, but in time more and more people have become devotees of the god Ikea and temples to him have been erected all around the world. Every Sunday, which was the day of worship for some of the lesser gods, has now become the day of worship for Ikea. People turn up to the temples and return home with some of his more cruel puzzles such as the twenty-eight piece wardrobe.

Professor Noah says that he knows that his findings will be very controversial and that people wont believe him but he claims he has proof, “It’s all there on the internet!” he said.

Homer's Had It!

They say that humour doesn’t travel, and I guess this is more or less correct. There are a few exceptions where some shows have been rewritten to suit a market, such as ‘Steptoe and Son’ and the Office’

Some humour doesn’t need re working: like `Mr Bean’ or `Monty Python’ it appeals to lots of people. If writers knew what it was, or what the formula was, we would all be very rich. But we don’t - that’s why in the past here in Britain we have had the likes of ‘Allo, Allo’ and ‘Terry and June'! These sitcoms were as funny as herpes! But people watched them and laughed, so who am I to criticise?

The Americans also have a multitude of dire sitcoms, which for some reason end up here on British TV. This is a message to all American TV executives: canned laughter is not, and never has been, needed so stop using it, now!

To prove a point, watch the American version of the brilliant M.A.S.H from the seventies. In America, they used canned laughter over the show, while here in Britain we received it neat. Trust me, the show was three times funnier without the nauseating and distracting forced laughter.

Another problem for sitcoms on both sides of the pond is the quality of the writers. When a show is first launched it is usually staffed by writers who are hungry for success and enjoy the challenge. When a show becomes successful, other writers are drafted in and the show soon becomes stale and in most cases of classic American shows, moralising and preachy!

I’m sad to say that I have, over the last few weeks, been watching the latest episodes of what was once one of the greatest sitcoms ever written, ‘The Simpsons’ And the unthinkable has happened: they have fallen into this trap. The shows were once well-written, edgy, fast-paced and extremely funny. They got away with gags that no other show would have dared to even write. And most of the Homerisms have gone into everyday use, ‘Every time I learn something new, it pushes something I knew out of my brain!’

The old Simpsons would start with Bart missing school and end up with the mob trying to kill Homer, and all this happened seamlessly!

Now, the stories are slow, moralistic and unfunny, Homer has started to become wise; Bart has turned into the dull ‘Dennis the Menace’ - even Lisa has been ‘dumbed down' to a pony-loving little girl who likes pink. Where has the little irritating intellectual pedant gone? And they have turned Marge into a Lucile Ball type character. I never thought this day would come, but I can’t be bothered watching the programme anymore.

I know people claim, and with good reason, that ‘Family Guy' is a rip off of 'The Simpsons', but they are a rip off of the old Simpsons. The anarchic Simpsons. They don’t want to preach, they want to walk on quicksand. They push buttons and boundaries.

This is what comedy should be about - comedy has was proven in the past to be able to change societies by pointing out and ridiculing the accepted  `norm’. Good comedy is thought-provoking, while giving you a slap in the face. It’s daring to laugh at the unspeakable while prodding the pompous.

There are comedians out there who tread the line, while others jump over it and moon at you while they do it!

So, with a heavy heart, it’s RIP Homer Simpson and long live Peter Griffin!