Santa Claus, The Truth! Inaccurate Histories.

Yes, he's done it again, but, this time, the police have video evidence and say they will charge him.

But meanwhile, professor Noah Ideas from North Dewsbury University has uncovered ground-breaking evidence about Santa Claus.

Many people have doubted that Santa was a real person. Some say he was a Turk who saved children from death, while others think he was a composite of a few eastern European saints. Some foolish people even think it's their own fathers leaving the presents!

But professor Noah, while doing extensive studies over a large latte and a dunking doughnut, stumbled across the truth: Santa was actually a door-to-door salesman from Chipping Sodbury!

He was called Steve Nicholas, and it was just a quirk of fate and cheap ink that led to the story that we now know about Santa.

It all started when the sod-berry harvest of seventy-six failed. The professor explains; the sod-berry, as the name suggests, was used as a powerful suppository, and was harvested each September. But the harvest of seventy-six suffered from the Haemorrhoidia blight, which wiped out the crop. So, rather than starve, Steve Nicholas bought a few cheap toys and sold them door to door.

This didn't go to well at first, until by chance he met a man called Virgil Arkwright, who owned a dog called Argos. Between them they came up with a new ground-breaking plan to sell toys by mail and have then delivered by Virgil's dog, Argos. But they soon ran into problems, as Argos turned out to be dyslexic and couldn't read the addresses. With lots of complaints about undelivered toys. the authorities were soon after the couple of entrepreneurs, so they fled to Poland. It was there that they met what would eventually become the rest of their team.

While they were eating out one night, a group of travelling performers entered the café looking for work. They were a bunch of chorus boys, Dancer, Prancer and a girl named Vixen, and were led by a husband and wife team. He was a Viking known as Rudolph the Red and his wife was called, 'Shut up or you'll get a slap!'

After they were all introduced, they swapped stories and Rudolph thought he may be of help to them. He explained that he had a friend called Randolph Scott who was working on a teleporting machine powered by hamsters, and they could send their toys to houses using this!

So they set up shop and all went into business together, with Steve at the helm.

The chorus lads would do the packing and Randolph, or Scottie as he was known, would to the teleporting; Steve would do the marketing, and Rudolph would be the PR man.

They built a warehouse and soon found that Virgils dog, Argos, though it couldn't read, recognised numbers. So using only little blue pens that they had bought as a cheap batch they wrote out numbers for the orders and Argos would go and fetch anything they wanted.

It wasn't long before competitors such as Walter Mart (known to his friends as Wal Mart) wanted to know the secret behind their success; they had to hide what they were doing and it was a returned package that gave Rudolph the idea.

They couldn't give away the secret of Scottie's teleporting machine and the Argos system, otherwise they would be out of business. But when, one day, a parcel had been returned, they noticed that the writing on the parcel with the cheap ink from the blue pens had run.

What had originally said;

Sent a Class.

From Steve Nicholas.

North Poland.

Now actually read;

Santa Class

From St Nicholas

North Pole.

People were baffled as to how the toys appeared and thought they were being sent by a saint in the North Pole. But who was this Santa Class Or Santa Claus as he was now being called? And how did he deliver the toys?

It was after an argument with his wife that Rudolph came up with his plan. They were arguing about the weather; his wife was saying that it was sleeting outside, while Rudolph argued that it was raining. This went on for over an hour until Rudolph, trying to keep his temper, blurted out , “It's not sleet trust me! Rudolph The Red knows rain dear!”

It was then he had a brain wave, they would tell people that they lived in the north pole and have a team of elves working for them packing and then the mysterious Santa Claus would deliver them on his sleigh pulled by reindeer. Led by none other than Rudolph the Red !

The plan worked so well that they soon found they could fulfil all their orders in just one day.

Steve later married Vixen, and still to this day their children carry on the tradition, and no one has ever found out their head office or the teleporting machine.

Some people have mocked this theory saying that it's all just made up by a cheap and puerile mind!

But the professor responded that he would stake his doctorate, which he bought on e bay, that it's true, saying, “The Argos system is still the best; why there are no more shops using this is beyond me? If only people knew about Argos, it would be the end of shopping as we know it. He then added "The evidence is all there on the internet”.

Happy Negative Nativity!

So, here it is again; the festival of over-indulgence. It is supposed to be a happy time of year, although for lots of people it's one of the loneliest and unhappiest times of the year, but what is it all about?

I know the nativity story of ickle baby cheeses and all that. Which is a story that is far older than the Christian belief, and attributed to lots of other mythical people (see previous blogs). The festival itself is a mixture of Christian and pagan beliefs, and the Christmas we now know is of German descent, brought to us by Queen Victoria.

So although we claim it's about the birth of the son of God, it isn't really!

Talking of the big 'G' I watched a programme on TV the other night where pseudo-intellectuals discussed the evidence and the meaning of God. They called themselves thing like 'Spiritual Thinkers' Theologians' and my favourite, 'The Movement for Enlightenment?'

Most of these people have moved away from the religious aspect of God, as they have realised that it is becoming more and more impossible to defend the notion of religion. They know you can't claim to be a supreme intelligence if you punish people for not worshipping you. Some still hold on to the idea of a personal God while others have realised that even this is impossible to defend intellectually, so they now have moved to arguing for the concept of a God.

What is spirituality? Is it awareness of one's self with the environment? With the universe? Or getting closer to a mythical being? Why are they "enlightened" because they believe in an unproven theory that would be thrown out of any court as nothing more than hearsay and conjuncture!

If we hadn't had these "enlightened" thinkers throughout history, man would have landed on the moon hundreds of years before he did. Without God, we wouldn't have had so many wars and persecution and famines that we have suffered throughout the ages.

As for a personal God that hears your prayers, a friend of mine told me about this only this week. Her nephew was involved in an horrific accident which left him with a serious head injury. It was touch and go whether he lived or not, for a while.

The medics put him in an induced coma to give his brain time to heal while they operated on him. He was then placed into intensive care where he received round the clock medical care. My friend is a Catholic and they all prayed daily for him to be returned to them safely.

She told me of the joy of the miracle when he opened his eyes and spoke going against all the odds. She told me that even the surgeons had gone to the chapel to pray for him after the operation (I find that a worry).

So there you have it! Proof that God listens and answers your prayers, there it is. Excepts for the millions of people in the third world who he turns a deaf ear to. The ones that pray each day for him to save their children that are dying for want of a sachet of rehydration salts worth no more than a couple of pence. What about the people with cancer who are dying a slow and painful death? Why does anyone need to die? If this young man had had his accident in Africa, the outcome would have been very different. The miracle that was performed was the miracle of modern medicine.

But that is, for the enlightened ones, too mundane an explanation, and of course I would say that, as I'm not on their level of understanding. And that science is backing up their beliefs with things such as 'intelligent design'. If anyone tries to explain this theory to you, you have my permission to smack them, hard! It's even worse than believing in God! 

While I'm on this subject, why do the Spiritual brigade describe people like me as cynical? Not that it's a bad thing, to question everything and accept nothing that can't be proven. I go along with this, and agree that yes I am cynical about their juvenile beliefs: they don't like to be described as 'gullible' but I'm afraid if you look up the word in a dictionary, that's what they are! 

I know that this blog is not an in-depth look at religion or God. I know that some of the 'Enlightened Ones' are very eloquent and put across very important views on life and philosophy, but true awe and wonder surely goes to the ideas of physicists! These people are taking the human race out into space, and helping mankind to develop at a faster rate than has ever been possible. But I digress.

I think that Christmas now is all about commercialism, and I'm supposed now, at this point, to say this is a bad thing, but it's not.

Anything that gets the economy going is good, People who borrow money and get into debt for Christmas are very foolish, but if everyone just bought just one thing extra, this is I think good, it helps to stimulate growth, then we all benefit.

For me, this time of year is a children's festival, a time to celebrate youth and innocence and catch up with friends. The story about the young man who had the unfortunate accident was told to me by a friend over lunch a couple of days ago. We hadn't seen much of each other over this year but we caught up for Christmas. I have had drinks with and conversations with lots of people who I really should spend more time with, and all this just because it's Christmas!

So who ever your God is, whether you believe or not I would like to wish you a happy Christmas and a very peaceful, prosperous but most of all happy new year!

Video of World Record Attempt by Gez Walsh

See the full version here!

or watch it on Youtube!

 

I'm Les Miserables!

I have recently been watching a documentary on staging musicals in the West End. The programme was a fascinating insight into just how much work goes into staging these theatrical spectaculars. It also shows you just how much money is spent on the production.

I have, in the past, staged productions in the theatre, but nothing on the scale of these musicals. As the man in charge, I can tell you that it's a lot of hassle and pressure, especially when things go wrong.

I remember one incident when Elaine, my co-producer, and myself walked into the theatre on the day of the production and within two minutes of walking through the door of the auditorium, Elaine received a phone call from one of the main acts, saying they were unable to make the show! Trust me when I say I developed instant Tourette's!

When so many people depend on you and so much money is at stake, I can't imagine what sort of pressure some of these producers are under.

But having said all this, I just don't get it! None of it! Musicals are, for me, tuneless, camp and dull. I know millions of people love them; my brother and his wife visit London regularly to go to see the latest musical extravaganza. I know lots of people who would love to be able to see one of these camp-fests but don't have the finances. I have the finances, but not the slightest interest.

I do have to confess that when I was very young I saw the film musical, `Singing in The Rain ' on TV and really enjoyed the 'Make 'em Laugh' routine with Donald O’Connor - and that was only because he ran up a wall. But that's about it for me.

Andrew Lloyd-Webber's stuff, leaves me feeling cold. I find the production of the pieces that I've seen extremely over the top and camp and I find the music tedious.

I also watched a documentary on the history of the musical, 'Les Miserables' and though this was really interesting, the musical wasn't. Which is a shame, because the book by Victor Hugo, who was the French equivalent of Charles Dickens, was a masterpiece.

So why don't I like the musicals? I love a good story, I love music, I even like a few operas, but I just don't get musicals.

While I'm on the subject of operas, many years ago I went to watch a production of Puccini's `Madame Butterfly'. During the performance, the lead female character, Cio-Cio San asks the lead male character, Pinkerton, to guess her age. He starts off at twenty years old and works down to seventeen. Cio-Cio replies, “No I'm fifteen”. It was then that someone from the audience shouted out, `lying cow!'

Can you imagine my shock on discovering that it was me that had shouted it out? I thought it but didn't realise that I had said it. I was quite pleased to hear it get a big laugh though more than can be said for the fifty-seven year old Cio-Cio, who flicked me the finger!

Why don't these operas try to get someone that could at least pass for ten years older than the character they are trying to play. And putting on a black wig and a kimono and painting the side of your eyes, doesn't hide the fact that you are a sixteen-stone granny from Russia!

Another thing about operas is that when someone gets knifed, they sing as they die. I have had the misfortune to witness quite a lot of violence in my time, but never once have I seen anyone sing as they die!

But for me some operas have some fantastic tunes, you can enjoy them even if you don't understand what they are saying. 

Lots of people know tunes from operas such as Carmen without realising it, and I love the chorus of the Hebrew Slaves from Verdi's `Nabucco'. But I don't think I could tell you one song from a musical - I'm sure if someone mentioned one, I would know it but they don't stand out.

One last thing before I go and pour myself a drink. If Giuseppe Verdi lived in England he would be called Joe Green; doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?

China: The Waking Dragon

When we here in Britain think of China, most of us don't think of a powerful country, steeped in history and culture. Unfortunately, most people only think about China as take-away food and kung fu!

What people don't realise is that this very diverse country has always been way ahead of the rest of the world.

In 7500 BC they had domesticated pigs and by 4000 BC they had writing, in the form of the 'Banpo script'. The country was unified by the warring emperor Qin Shi Haung in 2500 BC while we here in Britain were still living in caves. The country took its name from this emperor.

We in the west still think of China as a third world backwater, but it is now one of the biggest economies in the world, if not the biggest; even America is in debt to China! The world is changing and changing fast; it won't be long before countries like India, China and once again Russia will call the shots, while we here in Britain revert to being the tiny little island that we are.

The problem that China has and will have for years to come is its outdated ideology about human rights. It's safe to say they won't win any Nobel peace prizes for this any day soon. Life there is still regarded as cheap and can be short and brutal. But lots of the people know nothing about this.

But then we here in the west think we are well informed and we are, but we, too, are only informed about what the powers that be want us to know.

Of course the country is still going through lots of reforms and will have to do this for decades to come, but once the dragon has woken it will not sleep again! We in the west will have to get used to paying more for our goods, but technology will leap forward and of course they will enter the space race and once again benefits will come to us all from this.

In the seventies, while I was learning martial arts, I lived with a Chinese family here in Britain for quite a while. They taught me lots of things, but the one thing I really wanted to learn was the language - it is so alien to my ears that I found it very difficult. I would still love to learn the language, but I think I would have to spend time there and I can't see that happening for a while.

The reason that I'm telling you this is because a friend of mine who is a head teacher worked out there in the education system for a while. She was at times shocked and at times fascinated by their system, she said the students were respectful and keen to learn, but the discipline was scary at times. But they got the desired results- so who has the best system?

Teachers here are not teaching students a subject, they are just training them to pass an exam! This is not education, just training for an event. League tables and OFSTED have stripped teachers of their right to instil a love of a subject into keen young minds.

Britain is falling further and further behind the rest of the world in education, but we still carry on with this mind-numbing view that education can only be measured by exams! People learn in different ways and at different times of their lives I'm a testament to that. I was an 'A' grade student at primary school and an 'A' grade arsehole at secondary school. But, later, I went on to get an education in my twenties, having been written off by everyone!

I now write comedy for a living and I also visit school all over Britain and aboard to use comedy to help encourage young people to see the value of education. 

 

And I would love to visit schools in China to see what their system is like -  and maybe they can teach me to speak their language while I'm there! Any offers?

Inaccurate Histories 3: Mythology

Once again, radical professor Noah Ideas from Dewsbury University has uncovered previously unknown startling evidence.

While reading about the one true god, Zeus, he was startled to find that Zeus had a brother! His brother was a god of cleanliness and frozen foods, and he was called Zanussi.

It is known that Zanussi’s followers wore white robes and were known to do good deeds; this is why he became known as the god of white goods.

Also uncovered were two gods who became lovers, and have given of themselves to lovers the world over ever since.

Herpes was the god of embarrassing conditions; he had thought that he could never find true love until one night out alone he caught Chlamydia. She was the Goddess of undetected illness and fell from a bridge but was caught by the passing Herpes. They made love that night, and it’s safe to say that they gave each other a night neither would ever forget! They wanted to pass on their happiness to the mortals, and it’s safe to say that, ever since, devotees who have embraced the gods Herpes and Chlamydia have all had nights they can’t forget.

Other gods were jealous of the young lovers and tried to split them up. Verruca, the goddess of bathing and her lover Viagra (who was a builder, and became famous for his unexpected erections) decided to do away with the young lovers. They hired the winged assassin Anitbioticos to kill them. He succeeded in killing Chlamydia, but his poison darts had no effect on Herpes. It is said that to get his revenge, Herpes now waits for Viagra’s erections to appear so he can strike and leave his mark.

Professor Noah has also uncovered evidence that the Norse god of thunder had a speech impediment and that his real name was Eric! But it has been proven that he was very clumsy with his mighty hammer and would often hit his thumb!  While wincing in pain after the event he would show the injured digit to people and say ‘It’s Thor’ and people would fall about laughing asking him to say `sore' again, until eventually, the name stuck.

Also the Norse God of unfathomable puzzles, Ikea, was discovered last week by the professor.

This god built useful objects. but then would torment mortals by taking them to pieces and asking mere men to rebuild them. It has been known for men to go insane while trying to perform what looked to be one of these simple tasks.

The god Ikea was so fond of puzzles and tormenting mankind that he would also send them meat balls then drive men crazy when they tried to work out just what animal they had been made from.

People have argued that Zeus was not the one true god and that their god was the one true god and they can prove it because they read it in a book!

But the professor disagrees, saying `I think Zeus was a powerful god, but in time more and more people have become devotees of the god Ikea and temples to him have been erected all around the world. Every Sunday, which was the day of worship for some of the lesser gods, has now become the day of worship for Ikea. People turn up to the temples and return home with some of his more cruel puzzles such as the twenty-eight piece wardrobe.

Professor Noah says that he knows that his findings will be very controversial and that people wont believe him but he claims he has proof, “It’s all there on the internet!” he said.

Homer's Had It!

They say that humour doesn’t travel, and I guess this is more or less correct. There are a few exceptions where some shows have been rewritten to suit a market, such as ‘Steptoe and Son’ and the Office’

Some humour doesn’t need re working: like `Mr Bean’ or `Monty Python’ it appeals to lots of people. If writers knew what it was, or what the formula was, we would all be very rich. But we don’t - that’s why in the past here in Britain we have had the likes of ‘Allo, Allo’ and ‘Terry and June'! These sitcoms were as funny as herpes! But people watched them and laughed, so who am I to criticise?

The Americans also have a multitude of dire sitcoms, which for some reason end up here on British TV. This is a message to all American TV executives: canned laughter is not, and never has been, needed so stop using it, now!

To prove a point, watch the American version of the brilliant M.A.S.H from the seventies. In America, they used canned laughter over the show, while here in Britain we received it neat. Trust me, the show was three times funnier without the nauseating and distracting forced laughter.

Another problem for sitcoms on both sides of the pond is the quality of the writers. When a show is first launched it is usually staffed by writers who are hungry for success and enjoy the challenge. When a show becomes successful, other writers are drafted in and the show soon becomes stale and in most cases of classic American shows, moralising and preachy!

I’m sad to say that I have, over the last few weeks, been watching the latest episodes of what was once one of the greatest sitcoms ever written, ‘The Simpsons’ And the unthinkable has happened: they have fallen into this trap. The shows were once well-written, edgy, fast-paced and extremely funny. They got away with gags that no other show would have dared to even write. And most of the Homerisms have gone into everyday use, ‘Every time I learn something new, it pushes something I knew out of my brain!’

The old Simpsons would start with Bart missing school and end up with the mob trying to kill Homer, and all this happened seamlessly!

Now, the stories are slow, moralistic and unfunny, Homer has started to become wise; Bart has turned into the dull ‘Dennis the Menace’ - even Lisa has been ‘dumbed down' to a pony-loving little girl who likes pink. Where has the little irritating intellectual pedant gone? And they have turned Marge into a Lucile Ball type character. I never thought this day would come, but I can’t be bothered watching the programme anymore.

I know people claim, and with good reason, that ‘Family Guy' is a rip off of 'The Simpsons', but they are a rip off of the old Simpsons. The anarchic Simpsons. They don’t want to preach, they want to walk on quicksand. They push buttons and boundaries.

This is what comedy should be about - comedy has was proven in the past to be able to change societies by pointing out and ridiculing the accepted  `norm’. Good comedy is thought-provoking, while giving you a slap in the face. It’s daring to laugh at the unspeakable while prodding the pompous.

There are comedians out there who tread the line, while others jump over it and moon at you while they do it!

So, with a heavy heart, it’s RIP Homer Simpson and long live Peter Griffin!

I Want To Be A Celebrity, Get Me A Career!

I don’t understand "hate TV", or the public’s morbid fascination for it. What’s worse is that my wife buys into it and is an avid viewer. If you don’t know what I’m talking about see programmes such as ‘Come Dine With Me’ or, ‘Four In a Bed’ and a multitude of more tedious "spite shows", filled  with episodes of dull people wanting their fifteen minutes of fame.

The premise of these programs is the same, invite someone into your house and then let them be very rude and arrogant about you and your hospitality.

I would have got a smack about the head from my parents when I was a child if I were to be so rude when a guest in someone’s house. If a person is kind enough to invite you into their inner sanctum then feed you, no matter how bad the food is, you should be gracious enough to thank them and be grateful.

But the worst thing about these programs is the people who appear on them! They seem to be talentless wannabe celebs. Having said this most of the entertainment industry seems to be staffed by these imbeciles.

Every program on prime time TV if it’s not "soap" seems to be some competition for cooking, singing, baking, sewing, or knitting! But rather than switch off and read or do something else more interesting, people watch in their millions, and even discuss them the next day! And then these people make a living on the back of being shown to be talentless!

The prize for the most tedious of these programmes goes to ’Big Brother’ where dull people do dull things to entertain dull people. I know I’m sounding more than a little like the world's greatest snob, but really?

I watched a programme last night just to appease my wife, who quite rightly said that I should watch these programmes before passing judgement. I watched `I’m a Celebrity Get Me out Of Here!’  I have watched it before, a few years ago, and it seems to be still the same episode! They had the so-called celebrities doing the same things, and they in turn behaved in the same way.

If you are not sure what this show is about, then you are lucky! But to save you having to watch an episode, what happens is the TV company gathers a load of needy celebrities together, then flies them out to Australia and puts them in a jungle. Which turns out to be a small clearing a few hundred yards from the hotel. Then  gives them a series of tasks to humiliate them. 

And while I’m on the subject, surely they contravene the trading standards rules on goods fit for purpose. They title says ‘I’m a celebrity’, but who the hell are these people? Of the current bunch, I knew Matthew Wright because I’ve seen his programme on TV and I know Steve Davis the snooker player and I once met Rebecca the swimmer (I can’t remember her surname and can’t be bothered to look it up) but I haven’t a clue who the rest of them are!

Besides having to eat the parts of animals that crows leave behind on the road, I can’t see why the teams are so worried. I’m good with spiders and snakes. I love obstacle courses and I would love to visit Australia, although I don’t think I could last a week stuck in a camp with these people.

I’m told that this programme can save people's careers, which came as a bit of a shock to me as I didn’t know they had careers in the first place.

Christopher Biggins, who I think only works at Christmas as ‘Widow Twanky’, was supposed to have made a fortune after appearing on it. I’m still not sure what he does for a living, though.

Katie Price, who is surely one of life’s great mysteries, has also made a bundle out of being on this programme. I think she marries people, then divorces them, then sells lurid stories about these hapless saps to the tabloids! Pure class.

I was told that she was a singer so I looked up her greatest hits and was amused at her attempts to start a pop career. When I sing, I sound like someone dragging a wardrobe - but I can still hold a tune better than her. Then I saw her name on the cover of a book, I was quite surprised that she would turn out to be a best selling author. But when I looked at the book, it soon became obvious that it had been ghost-written. But this woman has to be one of the best hype artists in the business, for that I’ll give her credit.

I have also found out that these people get between £75,000 to £120,000 for the two weeks they are there! So where do I go to sign up for next year? I’m perfect for the show. I have a miniscule amount of fame and I’m talentless, and no one has heard of me: what more do they want?

The only problem is that if they put me with this bunch of desperadoes the show would get a lot of publicity,  but for all the wrong reasons. But still, the money would come in handy.

So, ‘I’M NOT A CELEBRITY, GET ME IN THERE!’

Heroes or Villains?

History is littered with myths that we have come to believe as facts. This is because the truth belongs to the victor!

I have to be biased over which history to write about, because I was born and raised in Britain, so I tend to know more about British history than other histories. This of course comes from the British slant on what was taught to me when I was a child. I have had a life-long interest in history and why people lived the way they did.

The Battle of Hastings (which wasn’t at Hastings) could have, and should have, had a different ending. If you don’t know about this battle it’s something that all children of Britain are taught about. We might not know our pin numbers for the bank but we all know 1066, the year of the battle.

To cut a long story short, William ’The Bastard’ (honest, that was his name) was the Duke of Normandy who claimed that the throne of England was promised to him. But Harold, the current owner of the pointy head-piece, disagreed - and, as with all disagreements between boys, they decided to have a fight about it!

But Harold and his brother had also fallen out, so his brother had gone to the Danes to ask if he could borrow an army and attack Harold.

Harold marched his men to Stamford Bridge, near York, where the battle with his brother took place, and Harold won.

One fact about this battle I loved as a young boy was that one of the Viking invaders stood on the bridge armed with an axe and held the whole of Harold’s army at bay by himself.

When the battle was over Harold, marched his men back down to the south coast to fight off the Norman invasion - this in itself was a colossal feat.

Wave after wave of attack by the Norman cavalry could not break the Anglo-Saxon shield wall until the Normans feigned a retreat and Harold’s men broke rank and chased after them: this altered the whole course of British history.

Another myth that we relish here in Britain is the great Francis Drake and the defeat of the terrible Spanish Armada!

Francis Drake did not defeat the Spanish Armada; he had little to do with the battle, and actually sailed back in to dock with a Spanish ship to claim salvage on it while the rest of the British fleet was engaged in the battle. The British weather, a bit of luck, and a few fire-boats defeated the Armada.

Drake was a low-life pirate, who, for some unknown reason, has gone down in British history as a hero. This was a quality that he never ever demonstrated. He even left his cousin, the man that took him in and set him up with a life at sea, to die in battle. Can you imagine his surprise when Hawkins (his cousin) later sailed back into port alive and well?

The battle of Agincourt was another myth, though the battle did of course take place. But the overwhelming odds were rubbish. Both armies were more or less evenly matched. What won the battle was not the longbowmen, as we have been led to believe, but the choice of venue for the battle and the French retarded view of chivalry. The commanders led from the front on horseback into what can only be described as a swamp. With their heavy armour they were soon bogged down and were in many cases clubbed to death!

But of course all this doesn’t really matter to anyone except a few pedants like me. But what about history that’s in the making, what about now?

What will future generations think of our governments, that are still run by the ’old school tie’ brigade? What will they think about us as a nation, that have built up a welfare state in such a short space, then idly stood back and watched as it is dismembered before our eyes? What will they think about us accepting big business controlling our every move, where we give up more and more rights because of some deep seated fear of media-hyped terrorism, or xenophobia.

People are now marking the 50^th anniversary of the death of JFK. Much is now being made about his philandering and his drug dependency. Personally I don’t care who or what he slept with as long as he did his job. I would have had more concerns with his links to the Mafia than I would about his sex life. But none of this matters any more, as he has taken his place in history.

All men in power have secrets in their closets, in fact we all have secrets. You do not climb the greasy pole to get into a position of power without treading on a few heads along the way. And when in power, you find you have to talk to and deal with people you both loath and despise. But still you have to deal with them. As long as it’s in your country's interest, then it’s fine, but it seems more and more that only the politicians and their kind benefit from their deals.

You see the problem is that one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter. And what can be seen to the world as a great statesman can be seen as a corrupt despot to his/her people. It all depends on your social, religious economical and geographical background on who is a hero and who is a villain.

We are all part hero and part villain, but sometimes in history it seems the villains always win!  

Children in Need = Greed?

We have just had the annual fun-fest which is ‘Children in Need’. This is where ordinary, sane people do something completely mad, to raise money for children’s charities. These people are warm, caring individuals having fun along with children: who can criticise that?

Well it’s quite easy to be cynical about it all ,and I am very cynical when it comes to charity.

Firstly, charity is a way for governments to relinquish their responsibilities for the people who they were set up to serve. It is not the responsibility of Doris from Morecambe to bake buns in the shape of bottoms to raise money so that the children of this country can be safe!

Why, in the 21^st century do we have a charity that exists for the safeguarding of our children ( the NSPCC)? Surely, as a civilised society, it is our job to ensure that we have a government that is held responsible for this?

‘The Thatcher’ - I’m sure that was a Marvel comics super-villain? Whereas, here in Britain, she was a real life super-villain. She started this rubbish about turning back to Victorian family values. Are these the values where we sell our children, or our wives? The same values where children climb chimneys or work down mines? The same values that see 2% of the country having all the wealth? What a load of rubbish.

As citizens of this nation we should not have to go cap in hand for something that is by rights ours to demand. We pay the taxes; we vote in the governments so we have the right to a safe, free existence.

Now, Children in Need is becoming something more than just a fundraising event.

I have to hold my hand up here, and admit that I’m part of this cynical little deception.

Now it is really wonderful of celebrities to give up their precious expensive time to come along and raise money for a good cause. Forget that this event is held in the main buying time just before Christmas. Forget that they have a new album, book, film, or programme out. Forget that some of them are no longer in the soap and are out of work, they are just doing it for the children.

Also, what about those oversized comedy cheques that are shown on prime time TV, you know the ones where the woman dressed as a clown stands up and says, “Yes, Terry, we at Billy Buggins printers of Preston have raised £100 by selling badges with our new print range!”

The price of that advert on prime time TV at peak time would bankrupt ‘Billy Buggins’.

I was part of Children in Need yesterday; I do have a new book out (Diva Dave and Fat Sue).  I worked at a school in Elland in West Yorkshire.

I know the head teacher at the school and I have to say that it was a pleasure and a privilege to work with both the staff and the children (I have a new book out).

I not only worked with the children on the day but gave up the whole week to sort out and organise the event but I didn’t mind, because, after all, I have a new book out.

The children were tasked to write, publish and print a commercial book in a day.

On the day in question the children arrived in their bed clothes with teddies in hands all chattering and excited, the staff too were excited and I was excited, because I have a new book out.

We set off writing at nine AM: at ten, the whole text and art work was finished. We quickly e-mailed them over to my publishers (who have published my new book). The publishers then sent the laid out book over to the printers. I’m pleased to say that, after a long day with lots of twists and turns, we eventually claimed the world record for a commercially-produced book, 4 hours 24 minutes.

The kids were ecstatic, the teachers were tired but happy, and I was banjaxed, having driven around Yorkshire, with a phone glued to my head begging favours from good people that I know, and surviving a mugging attempt during the day.

But for me the day was slightly ruined by the BBC, who were told on many occasions that our event was taking place in Elland. The Beeb turned up to film a couple of women standing in a shop window in their underwear for ‘Children in Need’ - they were not promoting the shop of course. But we at the school had hundreds of little faces all waiting in anticipation for the cameras to turn up and film just for a few moments, so they could see themselves on TV. But no-one came, even though the school is no more than a few hundred yards from the near naked women promoting a shop.

Now, I hope that I have proven I do have something to sell and all the publicity will not do me or my new book any harm. But, having said all that, I do spend all my working life trying to get young people into the habit of reading and writing, as I have said many times in my blogs, 'education is a basic fundamental right for all people’. I worry about the amount of young people in our country that can neither read nor write.

Having said this, people like Howard Priestley, who is a very gifted and talented artist, also gave up some time for us on the day. This time I know could have been used for other things for him, on the day, which were very important, but he still gave his talent and time for free without any reward what so ever. Chantelle Davis who was, on the day, very ill, still managed to get to the school to film the event for me, again she has nothing to sell, or to gain from her actions.

I think what we can deduce from all this is that we are a nation of caring people, and cynics in business and government know this, and abuse it. Those that should serve, and we that sell, should hang our heads in shame for manipulating what is and should always be a day of celebration of innocence and fun. Where families can get together and laugh and act silly and raise some money, that should be used to give young people a chance in a life time. 

I think this day of celebration of youth and families is a wonderful event. I love to see the faces of the children when they are able to do something different from the ‘norm’. Not only are they able to act stupid for a day but also their parents and teachers joining in!

So to all you good honest people out there, thank you for all your support. And I do apologise for my cynicism; I did enjoy the day, even though I had a new book to sell.

Hooligans, Thugs, Vandals and Tories!

All of the people above, in the title of this post, were real people, who were famed as heartless murders and robbers, but three of the above reformed and stopped their evil ways many years ago, while one of the group carries on regardless.

The Hooligans or Houlihans were a notorious nineteenth-centaury Irish family living in London. So bad was their reputation for drunken violent behaviour that songs and stories were told of them in the music halls of the time. The most famous of the family was Patrick, who robbed and murdered at will but died soon after he was caught and goaled.

The Thugs or Thuggee were a bunch of professional Hindu assassins, whose lineage can be traced back to seven tribes. The word Thuggee or ‘Thag’ derives from Hindi, and means "thief". They were followers of the Goddess Kali, the Goddess of destruction, and were reputed to have murdered over a million people.

They were eventually tracked down and wiped out by another bunch of thugs at the time. known as the British.

The Vandals Were a Germanic tribe that sacked Rome in 455. It’s ironic that a tribe were so reviled for damaging a city that had itself ransacked half of the known world: methinks a little  bit of, pot, kettle, black is going on here. The name derives from the Germanic ’Wanal’ meaning wanderer.

The Tories Were Irish outlaws.  Have you noticed how many derogatory terms in use in the English language are associated with the Irish? The Tories were robbers and outlaws the word derives from the Irish "Tooruighe" meaning "plunderer". The British political party adopted the name the ’Yorkist Tories’ in 1680 but the term was superseded by "The Conservative Party" in 1830.

The word "Tory" has now come to mean "Bandit", "Plunderer" and "Robber", the only difference being that they are no longer outside the law as they do this.

There are lots of words which we use on a daily basis without ever knowing where they came from or what the original terms were. Often the terms that were used are not very "PC" and were used against people who were often themselves being persecuted. But some arrive through popular culture such as, "Zits", "Nerd", "Wedgies" and "Dude".

My favourite story of how a word came into use is the word, "Quiz".

The story goes that a Dublin theatre owner, James Daly, who was down on his luck and in need of some cash, made a bet that he could introduce a word into the language within twenty four hours.

He hired a group of street urchins to rush around Dublin painting the word "Quiz" on walls as they went. People were "puzzled" by the word and what it meant, and it soon became the talk of the town and the word was born.

But unfortunately, like a lot of these urban myths, with a little searching it’s quite easy to find that there was no evidence to back up this story: the word actually derives, like lots of our words, from Latin, but it’s still a good story.

I would like to introduce a word into the English language, "Gezzy" 

Doing a Gezzy:  to deceive others, pointlessly, for your own amusement, (see previous posts). 

What Is Love?

Since the dawn of civilisation it has been sung about, talked about, written about, practised and suffered, but just what is love?

Is it a definable entity? Is it an emotion, a state of mind or a physical affliction? All three can be applied. It can make you ecstatically happy, suicidally miserable and has even been known to render people physically incapable, so just what is it?

Many years ago I decided to tackle this question and write about it. I first decided to try the approach of one of my heroes, Socrates. No, not the Brazilian footballer, but the Greek philosopher. 

His approach to tackling conundrums was to stop people in the street and ask them the question; then he would mull over the many answers he received. He was probably the first market researcher.

Often, he would stand for hours talking over the subject with anyone and everyone, as he believed all opinions were valid, from the highest ranking official to the men who cleaned up the roads, (David Cameron, take note!). He would stop someone going about their business and ask the oddest of things, such as, “Why is the sky blue? Then he would cross-examine any responses. It’s the fact that blue light from the sun doesn’t penetrate the atmosphere and disperses, by the way, if you really want to know!

So I did just this. I asked everyone I knew the question, “what is love?” And guess what, I have never received a definite answer, only to say that it different for all of us.

While you are reading this, just think about your own situation. If you are in a long-term relationship, or if you are just starting out in a relationship (two different states) why did you choose that person? What is it about the person that you settled down with, that, for you, makes them stand out from the rest? This is of course presuming that you have had relationships with other people.

Other people could offer you all the things your partner does. Others might say that previous partners of yours were more attractive. So why have you settled with this person?

You often see people who, on the surface, seem to be total opposites, especially when it comes to physical attributes. The obvious ones are the seaside postcard types of the big dominating woman and the little skinny man. Or the supermodel type and the old millionaire… OK, we know about that attraction.

But think about how often you hear people say, “Have you seen her/his wife/husband, they weren’t what you thought they would settle with? This probably applies to my marriage. If you were to take a dating agency’s computer and type in all the information about both my wife and myself, it would melt in fear if our names were mentioned in the same sentence. Honest, we are total opposites. I would even go as far to say that when seeing the both of us together people would say, ”What the hell is she doing with him?” She is small, tolerant, gentle and very attractive. I’m none of these, though I do qualify for all their total opposites. But for whatever reason, for us, it works. We do drive each other mad, of that there’s no doubt, but it wouldn’t be love if we didn’t.

The very thing that you think is so cute about your partner when you first meet is the very thing that annoys you the most about them when you settle down. If you’re just starting out on a long-term relationship, trust me on this point!

The other thing about love is that it’s not one size fits all. I love my wife, I love my son, and I love my grand daughter, but none of them in the same way. I, of course, also love other members of my family, and I care deeply about my friends. But they are all different types of love and emotion.

For your family, it’s a love that starts with dependence, though often it ends in hatred for people. But it doesn’t ever really go away. Unfortunately, for lots of people, they don’t often realise just how much they love their parents and siblings until it’s much to late to tell them.

The love for your friends is another strange one, as I have written about it before; that even the most gregarious of people, no matter what they think ,will really only have four or five true friends, and if they have that many they are very lucky people. Most of your true life-long friendships start in childhood. But there is a limit to your love of friends, and they are easier to walk away from.

The love that you have for your partner is both the most rewarding and the most infuriating type of love. A true love affair, no matter how long it lasts, and releases in you a euphoria that is impossible to get elsewhere. It causes you to act and think in the most strangest of ways. It has given us the most beautiful poems and tales and music, it elevates you from the humdrum, and, when it ends, it leaves you with a sadness you think is incurable - as is often said, they take a little piece of you with them.

The love you have for your children is probably the truest of loves. It’s totally devotional, and unquestionable. When they are young, you suffer with them when they are ill, are happy when they laugh, you work for them, cry about them and would die for them. Often, you don’t receive anything back for all your emotional investment, but when they are young, a smile from them can spur you on; and when they are older, the unexpected, ‘Thank you’ can reduce you to tears; now that is love!

So whatever it is, whatever it does to us, I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you all get a chance to feel love sometime. 

As the Beatles said, ’All You Need is Love!’

Sex in the City?

It is fair to say that I’ve been out of the dating game for more years than I care to remember.When I was dating, young people went to discos and the hardest date rape drug available was six pints of larger and lime! Most girls wanted a proposal of marriage before you were allowed anywhere near undergarments, and John Travolta was a sexy teen idol pin up!

But it seems that as you get older, the dating game becomes more difficult. Gone are the reckless days of young abandonment and in are families, property, and "bitter ex" relationships.

I had a conversation with a female friend of mine this week, she is single at the moment and wants a relationship without ties. I don’t think she meant the neck-covering type of tie! I told her that this is possibly a man's dream, a woman that just wants a good time without any commitment. But she said it’s quite difficult, because when men get to a certain age and are still single, they either have a drink problem, have always lived with Mummy, or have had a string of relationships which they have wrecked - or sometimes, they might have all three!

I told her that surely you can work out if they're suitable on the first date. She pointed out that people usually think I’m OK, when they first meet me! I’m not sure what she means by that. I told her that it would be far easier for her to find someone than it would be for me, but she disagreed.

My argument is this. If she wanted just to have a good night and sex with a man without any ties all she has to do is walk into the nearest local pub (bar) and make it known that she is up for a night of fun and sex. She would have no problem making her choice. Whereas if I were to walk into a pub, as cute as I am, and let it be known that I wanted sex, the police would be called.

Her defence is that going into a pub by yourself can be quite dangerous, even if you’re not looking for sex, and she certainly wouldn’t want sex with a stranger, or to take a stranger back to her house.

Is it me, or is this beginning to sound a lot less like sex without strings, and more like commitment?

A male friend of mine has been single for many years and is a good bloke (that’s his problem, he’s a bloke) He has old-fashioned ideas about romance, though he doesn’t fit any of the above categories. He’s financially secure and he says that he doesn’t want a full time relationship, as it gets in the way of his blokiness, riding and fixing motorbikes and fishing. 

But he would like a female friend to go out with sometimes, and go on holiday with. He said that he knows it’s impossible to find a woman like this so he’s decided to remain single.

I told my female friend about him, and she said he sounds selfish!

So as far as I can workout this is what she wants:

A man that has all his own hair and teeth, financially secure. He doesn’t fall in love with her after two weeks and doesn’t sleep at her house. She doesn’t want to see him during the week, only at weekends, and then she doesn’t want to be pestered for sex. He can have that when she is ready, and on her terms. No talk of ex-partners or problems with children that have gone off the rails.

She wants romantic nights out, with him picking up the bill, and also a few holidays away would be nice. She will not do any washing cleaning or cooking for anyone except herself. He must be clean and presentable and wash more than once a week: NO MUMMY'S BOYS! He must not have an ex that he hasn’t got over. or any strange fetishes that involve implements or unpleasant bending! He must not have a criminal record, or be very religious, believe in corn circles, aliens or vampires.

Any offers?